Jesus Was A Cowboy?

… or Re:Hashing #MarkDriscoll

Okay. Mark Driscoll hasn’t actually said, “Jesus was a cowboy” (yet), but let’s face it, that’s what he thinks. Or, at least, he might as well.

Let me back up. If you don’t know who Mark Driscoll is, I’ll help you. I will try to be nice. It will be difficult. Of course, Driscoll would tell me not to worry about it, to go ahead and slug him in the chopper, because that’s what it takes to be a minister. (I told you this was going to be hard).

Mark Driscoll is the lead minister of the largest church in Washington state (where men are manly and ministers are manly-er-er…. I told you this was going to be hard). He has devoted followers across the US and probably around the world watching his YouTube videos, reading his books, Tweeting about him (#MarkDriscoll) and going to his conventions (“re:tool and re:load, “reGeneration,” etc.). He believes that we’ve got this whole Christianity thing wrong. That we have gone astray and that our misguided teachings are, in large part, to blame for the slow death of the institutionalized Christian church.

Now at this point, you may be thinking to yourself, “Hmmmm, I like the sound of that!”

No. You don’t.

Remember? “Jesus was a cowboy!” True, that’s not exactly what he said, but he did say this:

and this:

If he believes that about Jesus, you just know he believes that Jesus would have been a cowboy. The hyper-masculating of Jesus (and, it would seem in his mind, by extension ministers… who, I suppose by the same argument, must be male) is a product of the same over-masculated mythological storytelling that gives us the manly-men type cowboys of the silver screen.Once, at a conference he was doing in Huston, Driscoll invited five ministers up to the stage, put his hands behind his back, and told them to slug him in the chin. “I won’t hit back,” he said. Following what I can only assume they saw as the teachings of Jesus, not one of them hit him. Driscoll kicked them out of the conference and preceded to pound his own face. Go ahead, re-read that last sentence. I’ll wait. (Okay, admit it, you completely believed that right? So did I. But it’s from a spoof site. But it just shows how crazy the guy is that it sounds completely plausible that he’d do something like that).Driscoll seems to think Jesus was a macho man, tough guy, testosterone freak… a gun slinging cowboy.

Can’t you just see it now? Jesus riding into the sunset on a donkey, whipping his hat in the air, yelling out, “yippee ki yay!” Or delivering the sermon on the mount saying, “Blessed are the meek, for they will be able to see just how badass I am!” Or Jesus kneeling before Pilate and saying, “Go ahead punk – Make. My. Day.” No? Me neither. But that’s Mark Driscoll’s Jesus.Here’s his God:

Thank goodness we have Cowboy Jesus! According to Driscoll, it’s all thanks to Cowboy Jesus that God can even stand to peek out of the corner of His divine eye to spy us at all. (I usually don’t use pronouns for God, but I got all Discolled, testosterone and what-not, and so you got “His”… with a capital “H.”)So, why am I picking on poor Pastor Driscoll when so many have done it so well before me? Why am I Re:Hashing (shameless, insiders joke to those who follow Driscoll) the trash about Driscoll ? It started with a post on a private Facebook group where a few folks were talking about him. Then a number of friends were sharing links about him. Then I heard he had a new book. About Sex. Cowboy-Jesus-Preacher-Man wrote a book about sex?!? OMG! (Please excuse my, less than masculine outburst).I wasn’t sure whether to “1-Click” buy it on Amazon or to throw up a little bit in my mouth. In the end, I did neither. Instead, I wrote this piece. Why? To show how absolutely nutty-cuckoo the guy is about things religious, so that I could then say this, “Why mess up something as good as sex by listening to what Cowboy-Jesus-Preacher-Man has to say about it?”You’re not sure he’s as nutty-cuckoo as I say? No?

Try this one on for size:

Do you really want to trust sex advise from a guy who says something like this?

Or this:

Oh, and he sees visions, which he interprets as real events, in his head like watching TV:

Bottom line, Mark Driscoll has more that just a few issues around gender, he’s more than just a bit of a bully and his biblical scholarship is… let’s just say more than a bit off-kilter. Yes, he is an engaging speaker and yes, the certitude of his convictions can be somewhat enticing and attractive, but c’mon folks, let’s face the fact that the guy is Christianity’s Glenn Beck or maybe our Ron Paul. Sure he says some great things from time to time, “The distance between us and God is repentance,” but most of the time he’s punching himself in the chin, watching God TV in his head and telling women that they have to look a certain way to be loved.You’re going to listen to that guy? Cowboy-Jesus-Preacher-Man who wrote a book about sex?!?No. Of course you are not.(Author’s note: I’ll be starting a hashtag related to this article: #JesusWasACowboy. Ex. “Jesus’ first miracle? Water into whiskey. #JesusWasACowboy.” Share this article with your friends and invite them to play along. If there’s room on your tweet add #MarkDriscoll to your post wo he will know we are thinking about him. Post your #JesusWasACowboy thoughts on The God Article FB page’s Wall and in a few weeks I’ll pick a winner and post it here).

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