Two Friends Who Both Want to See You Fail

I see two men walking down the street, each on opposite sides of the road. Both individually and completely convinced that he is traveling on the correct side. One man is frail and skinny and the other man is so large he occupies the entire sidewalk on his own. Not only is one of these men is my confidant, at times I have bad mouthed the other in his defense. This friendship was born from my own experiences and insecurities, and the fragile man and I have been close for quite some time. But, before I talk about my friendship, I will explain my gripe about the other man.

The man I have at times ridiculed, is a friend to many leaders inside and outside of the church. Those with close relational ties to this figure never ask for input or critique and surround themselves with hordes of “yes-men”. He influences those closest to him to overreach and insert their opinions where they have no business commenting. Those who are friends with him may have a grand following, but their destination is anywhere but maturity and refinement. Continuing to find more and more people who agree, only leaves these leaders never being challenged to worth through conflict with someone unlike themselves. It creates rooms full of people who look the same, talk the same, dress the same, and unfortunately think the same about EVERYTHING. I’ll admit, it is easy for me to point my finger at him in disapproval. In fact, I have made conscious efforts not to be like him so much so that I have become the very opposite and thus I became friends with the other man.

My friend, the anorexic man, makes it easy to lead from a place of neglect. He tells me it is okay when I want to self sacrifice and self sabotage and I end up agreeing with him because it looks so good on the outside. Convinced that it doesn’t matter that it is coming from a place where all I really want is for others to like and accept me. He cheers me on when I fall on my own sword, sacrifice my time, and refuse to ask anyone else to do it. The skinny man knows that fear of failure is stalking my life and he reassures me that it is perfectly normal to get frustrated with those closest to me when they are not performing the way I need them to. At first I didn’t realize how toxic my new friend was, but the signs were steadily becoming harder to miss as time went on. I was waffling as a leader because I was focusing on my inadequacies. Feeling so unqualified in what I was doing, my behavior was affecting my team. They were beginning to lead ineffectively and even raise up other leaders who were not strong or confident. Something had to change. I had to get past my towering insecurities and realize that if I wanted to grow, I needed to get as far away from those habits as possible.

Lately I have been keeping my distance from the anorexic man and from my new vantage point, I can see how it isn’t fair to only be critical of the gluttonous man. In the beginning, it was so easy for me to point out his every flaw, but after being burned buy the very antithesis of his nature, experience has taught me that neither friend is beneficial to leadership. Both figures cause those who befriend them to lead out of idolatrous places. Certainly being friends with either will be marked with insecure leadership and a deep desire to win the affections of those who follow said leadership. While I can not relate to those in the large man’s sphere of influence, I think there is mutual understanding at the bottom level.

What I am doing now is learning to be okay with tension. I am striving to be confient in who I am as a leader, and to embrace the discomfort that comes when I challenge people with the sacrifice. What I learned the hard way is that if I am not healthy emotionally, physically, and spirituality my church and those I am leading are ultimately the ones who suffer the consequences. The mentality of today’s culture is not a healthy one in light of leadership. Growing, thriving, life-giving leadership requires a healthy dose of godly confidence, meaningful awareness, and assurance in the things I do well, along with an essential serving of ability to challenge others in the areas they are good at. To be healthy as a leader, I must also prepare for people to no longer like me and for me to actually, for real be okay with that.

My desire is for us all to be balanced, healthy leaders. I think the first step would be to ask yourself the “WHY” behind the decisions you make. Not the easy “why” but the one that is hard to identify and at times, painful to unearth. Why you have chosen the people around you, why this staff, why these friends? Are they people who can speak truth to you and you ACTUALLY listen to them? Examine your decisions over a certain period of time and weigh the results. At my church, we always say “numbers don’t lie”; the outcome of your decisions will tell you if you are over confident and over-reaching. This will ultimately highlight you dangerous friendship with the gluttonous man. On the other side, are you the one losing sleep, running around like a crazy person because in reality you don’t trust the team you have chosen? This is tell-tale that the anorexic man if your BFF. We must not let our insecurities define our leadership. I see two men walking down the street, each on opposite sides of the road and I must choose to walk away from both.