Disordered Eating & the First 10 days of Dhul-Hijjah

I’m admitting to myself I have a real problem with food. I’ve been on a binge cycle for a while now. I’m not sure what triggered it this time. But I think it’s a combination of things. I’m under a lot of stress in my personal life, and in the wake of everything that’s happening in our country. I’m also on a new medication for my bipolar issues. And finally, I’ve been sick most of the summer. Between constant migraines and a recent bout with strep throat and an ear infection, my physical state has taken a serious toll on my emotional well-being.

Usually to halt a binge cycle, I simply stop eating. I’ll do this until I feel safe around food again. Or until someone convinces me to start eating. Last summer I started starving myself right after Ramadan. Fasting for a few days gave me such a rush, and I wanted to continue not eating altogether. As a result, I lost 20 pounds in a short amount of time. I needed to lose the weight, but obviously starving myself wasn’t the right way to do it. It took a lot of effort to begin eating again. Even when my friends convinced me to eat in a healthy manner and stop what I was doing, I kept thinking about how good I felt when I didn’t eat. And about how easily I shed the weight. It’s hard for me not to fall back into the behavior whenever I remember that time.

Thanks to the prompting of a close friend, I finally told my doctor about my food issues. He suggested a few options to get me back on track. We talked about getting a nutritionist to help me plan regular, healthy meals, and if need be, going to the hospital where they would treat me specifically for this problem. I didn’t do either of those things. And so, I’m still struggling.

I’m worried about how I will tackle this binge cycle and I’m already noticing that I want to starve myself in response to what I’ve done. To make things more complicated, the next ten days are a special time for Muslims. It’s the start of dhul-hijjah, the twelfth month in the Islamic calendar. This is the month in which Muslims make the sacred pilgrimage to Makkah for the Hajj. The 1^st ten days bring the opportunity for blessings and self-reform. We fast and do good deeds to bring us closer to Allah.

My initial instinct when I thought about these ten days and the way I’ve been bingeing was to plan to fast along with my fellow Muslims. I was hoping that the brief respite from having to think about food in an unhealthy way would result in a change in my eating habits. But it’s not likely that I’ll completely adjust my relationship to food and my emotional issues attached to eating in only 10 days. It’s more probable that I’ll just start a cycle of not eating again. In other words, starving myself in a dangerous attempt to control my habits.

I wish I didn’t feel so conflicted in this manner. I keep going back and forth, wondering if I can fast any of these days without falling into a disordered pattern. Usually my fear with fasting is that it will bring about a manic episode. This circumstance is a bit different however, because the time is shorter. My mind keeps telling me that things will be alright and I can handle fasting for 10 days without anything bad happening. I don’t know if that’s my illness talking or if it’s just wishful thinking.

Fasting in Islam is for spiritual benefit. I wish I could purify my intention and only think of getting closer to God by choosing to fast during these days. But right now, I’m not healthy enough to separate religious fasting from my serious food issues and mental illness. Reluctantly, I know I shouldn’t fast. Even if not for the food issues, there is still the danger of mania and hypomania. At some point, I will be ready to talk to a nutritionist about my problem. And maybe I do need inpatient help to jumpstart a healthy lifestyle. I’m not yet ready to initiate those options, however. My first step was to help myself understand what disordered eating has done to my life. I hope that in the future I can tackle my problems with food as aggressively as I do my other illnesses. If nothing else, during these 10 days while I’m increasing my prayers and connection with Allah, I can pray for steadfastness with which to overcome my disordered eating patterns.