A Trump Attorney General

A Trump Attorney General May 24, 2019

One of the most famous songs in the Gilbert and Sullivan repertory of operettas is from “Pirates of Penzance.” It is titled “I Am the Very Model of a Modern Major General.” Most people have heard this and gotten a laugh out of it. If you haven’t, turn on your speakers, go here and enjoy.


My brother is a very talented guy who loves to take things like this and repurpose them in a modern context. He has written hundreds of limericks that require a substantial vocabulary to understand. He decided to use this piece to describe…not a modern major general, but a Trump Attorney General. Here is one of several versions that he has written:

A Trump Attorney General

I am the very model of a Trump attorney general

I’ve information you can’t know, and all of it incredible!

(none of it presentable?)


I spurn the House attorneys and insist on question brevity

I read the Constitution with Napoleonic levity.


I like to dodge a question with a brazen hypothetical

Creating fuzzy concepts makes my rhetoric unvettable.


I love to read the music of the twitters ungrammatical

And crave to hum along with every sanity sabbatical.


I’ve always chosen arrogance in favor of humility

In this administration self-respect would lack utility.


To try to have integrity would greet us with futility

I wouldn’t want my office to assert responsibility.


I’m very well acquainted, too, with being quite compatible

I’m pure accommodation when he waxes autocratical.


In short, with my connivance and demeanor hypocritical

I am the very model of a Trump attorney general.


(Ooomp pah ooomp pah ooomp pah oomph…)


I know the mighty presidents and quote their plights historical

From Pentagon to Watergate to Cheney’s secret oracle.


I like to hide emoluments when laundered bank offshorable

Tax return concealment is a trivial ignorable.


I vow to use this office with my fullest ingenuity

To stall investigation of the Trumps in perpetuity.


The Donald makes appointments that the Clintons think deplorable

But I’m a keen subscriber and consider them adorable.

I negotiated pardons for the Reagan reprehensibles

And found a rapprochement with Trump’s appointed indefensibles.


His nepotist selections show that something is congenital

Could being in this White House have effects environmentical?


I’ll testify in every case beclouding perspicuity

And choose my words with special care to heighten ambiguity.


I watch the House committees and am diligent in keeping score

With token recognition for infernal justice metaphor.


I know about the musings of all beings animalculous

I have a well-schooled eye to read judicial branchers’ calculus.


I’ve searched the lengthy record finding no obstruction I can see.

I’ve been at bar a while and know collusion from conspiracy.


Service to this White House can for no one be regrettable

The seal on all its documents shall ever be hermetical.


My ears are always open and I listen to the White House muse

I’d like to be inside the loop: a presidential circuit fuse.


Forgetting legal precedents, I seek originality

The Donald’s whimsic mentagrams are my sublime totality.


I’ve been asked to show I know what’s meant by commissariat

I know I can distinguish a subpoena from a lariat.


If we have a problem with a time-related bind we’re in

I emulate the mode of an emasculated terrapin.


I know about the highest court, disdaining legal precedent

I might aspire to going there if there’s a handy decedent.


In short, in matters legal, economic and political

I am the very model of a Trump attorney general.

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