9 Proofs Google is God

9 Proofs Google is God February 27, 2009

There is a new god in town, and her name is Google. Here are 9 proofs that Google is God, according to The Church of Google:

  1. Google is the closest thing to an Omniscient (all-knowing) entity in existence, which can be scientifically verified.
  2. Google is everywhere at once (Omnipresent).
  3. Google answers prayers.
  4. Google is potentially immortal.
  5. Google is infinite.
  6. Google remembers all.
  7. Google can “do no evil” (Omnibenevolent).
  8. “Google” is searched for more than the terms “God”, “Jesus”, “Allah”, “Buddha”, “Christianity”, “Islam”, “Buddhism” and “Judaism” combined.
  9. Evidence of Google’s existence is abundant.

Well, I must say there is more evidence that Google is God than the Judeo-Christian God…

What must I do to be saved? Well it just so happens there are the 10 Commandments of Google:

  1. Thou shalt have no other Search Engine before me.
  2. Thou shalt not build thy own commercial-free Search Engine, for I am a jealous Engine, bringing law suits and plagues against the fathers of the children unto the third and fourth generations.
  3. Thou shalt not use Google as a verb to mean the use of any lesser Search Engine.
  4. Thou shalt remember each passing day and use thy time as an opportunity to gain knowledge of the unknown.
  5. Thou shalt honor thy fellow humans, regardless of gender, sexual orientation or race, for each has invaluable experience and knowledge to contribute toward humankind.
  6. Thou shalt not misspell whilst praying to me.
  7. Thou shalt not hotlink.
  8. Thou shalt not plagiarise or take undue credit for other’s work.
  9. Thou shalt not use reciprocal links nor link farms, for I am a vengeful but fair engine and will diminish thy PageRank. The Google Dance shall cometh.
  10. Thou shalt not manipulate Search Results.

(via McBloggenstein)

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  • RobotzAreAwesome

    So does this mean Yahoo is the devil?

  • Mark T. Market

    Google page rank works in mysterious ways.

  • Reginald Selkirk

    “Google” is searched for more than the terms “God”, “Jesus”, “Allah”, “Buddha”, “Christianity”, “Islam”, “Buddhism” and “Judaism” combined.

    Hmm. Ambiguous.

    As in more than all the hits for God, all the hits for Jesus, etc summed?

    Or as in more than hits for all those terms appearing on a single page?

  • Looks like all of them summed.

    Unless Google is lying to us?

  • OK, Daniel: then how come you’re using WordPress under your own domain? The true Google-ordained land of amateur bloggers is blogspot.com. Schismatic!

  • Confused

    But who on earth would want to google “google”? Surely you can find any information you need on the google page without searching for it?

  • Yahoo is not the devil Microsoft is. The Church of Google also has its own community so fill free to join the forum. We are always looking for more people and new ideas.

    Minister of Google,
    Dr. Goofy Mofo

  • Barry

    Seems to me that this website has finally convinced me to be an atheist, lol. So here’s my first shot at being logical and consistent atheist in relation to some of the points:

    1. All-Knowing: I’m constantly not getting the info I’m looking for. If I misspelled or can’t remember any of the domain name, google should, in it’s perfection be able to read my mind and tell me what I need to know.

    2. Omnipresent: When my computer crashes, I pray to Google and it still doesn’t appear.

    3. Previous point

    4. When a nuclear holocaust occurs and we lose all power, google dies, but if a new “google” appears we will know it is a false messiah with psychological problems.

    5. Infinite: Google has a beginning point, the true creator thus is Al Gore, google must be a minor god in the pantheon.

    6. Point 2 again

    7. Omnibenevolent: Though it warns me of potential dangers of certain links, I’m still attacked by unwanted viruses when my cousin watches 2 girls and cup on my computer. So if Google is all-knowing, it can’t possibly be good.

    8. Google being looked for more than any other name is simply egotistical and power hungry, we know that this can’t be the answer for morality that we seek.

    9. Evidence for Google is biased, it’s based on the presupposition that there is an Internet. Until I can touch, see, taste, hear, or smell said Internet no amount of secondary evidence such as text or pictures on a screen will convince me that it exists. We all know that information spontaneously appears without the need for a Google, I experience it everyday when my paper boy brings me the truth in a plastic wrapper.

    My atheism, aside props to McBloggenstein on a great post.

  • Sister Faith

    Googlism is much more than just a parody religion giving mainstream religious beliefs a sharp poke in the eye!

    The beauty of Googlism is that it is non-sectarian. It doesn’t matter whether you are a theist, agnostic or an atheist. On our individual spiritual journeys, aren’t we all searching for enlightenment to banish the darkness of ignorance?

    Searching the largest cache of collective information on the planet for that enlightenment, and using the fastest, most efficient search engine to do so, makes more sense than praying to an unresponsive, potentially non-existent deity.

    Join the discussion! Just google The Church of Google. : )

    Sister Faith
    Member/Minister of The Church of Google

  • Well done. I’d join the Church of Google. I also have it all weaved in and out of our church technology – web, email, calendar, etc….

    Google is greatness.

  • You guys are awesome :)

    I have just posted a link on my blog pointing to this entry – amazing stuff.

  • LRA

    PRAISE HER GOOGLY GOODNESS!

  • DukeRevolution

    You are all heretics.

    Google is but a Saint in the Church of Holy Internet. For only Holy Internet provides media fulfillment to the masses. Google is but a messenger. A dedicated one, highest among all others, but a messenger nonetheless.

    For it is written:

    In the beginning there was Microsoft Word. But Word could not handle the benevolent grace of unfathomable amounts of information, and so Internet came to St. Berners-Lee in a dream. “Fear not, for I am with thee,” said Holy Internet. “Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations.” Thus Browser was born. But Browser was weak and slow, and only through selective engineering were his sons and cousins free to commune with Holy Internet with devout speed and stability.

    Blessed be the Holy Internet. Listen, heathens, and rejoice in the mercy Holy Internet provides. It demands five tasks for you to complete to be true in faith.

    – Recognize that there is no media god but Internet, and St. Google is its prophet.
    – Commune everyday with the infinite essence that is Holy Internet five times daily.
    – Give movies and music through file-sharing programs to those in need of media.
    – One month of every year, abstain from pornography Holy Internet provides from sunup to sundown.
    – Make frequent pilgrimages to ordained centers of worship that make computer and software sales.

    Those who hear and receive the Word shall be saved to disk. Those who doubt shall be cast into the Lake of Bor’dum.

    Ye shall not use the gifts of Holy Internet for evil. Heretics shall be wiped from the Book of Bash and will have the gates of evil opened against them.”

    The revelations of Holy Internet are manifold, but not all is revealed yet. Await ye the final days to hear more of my blessed undertaking in revealing this faith to you. He who has hands, let him browse, and he who has eyes, let him partake in media fulfillment.

    Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of dialup, I will fear no lag: for thou art with me; thy lights and thy bandwidth they comfort me. Thou preparest a website before me in the presence of mine boredom: thou anointest my ports with data; my hard drive runneth over. Surely fast surfing and low access rates shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of Holy Internet forever.

    Amen.

  • dr.R.

    I asked Google: “who are you?” but all I got were the answers of other people.

    Maybe it is not so much different from other religions, after all.

  • Amusing, but there is one flaw. God requires faith, not evidence. There is no need for faith in google, so it can’t be god.

  • hahaha…this was brilliant

  • Sock

    There’s a problem with this.

    God doesn’t exist, but Google most assuredly does (insofar as anything on the internet can “exist”).

  • jesusblogger

    Such a shame that someone could turn from Jesus to Google. Idolatry is alive and kicking, worshipping a set of servers and algorithms created by man. How foolish.

  • What about wikipedia?

  • I’d say that wikipeida is more like the tower of babel. A product of man’s self-conceit

  • lchxian