The Worst Father Ever Imagined

The Worst Father Ever Imagined June 21, 2009

I had a pretty terrible father growing up. He was a violent drunk who treated my mom badly and made me feel miserable.

I hated him.

Some people have worse fathers. But none of them can hold a candle the “Heavenly Father” in the Bible.

That is the father who put his children in a garden, and set them up to fail. Then, he punished them for falling into his trap, cursing them with death and hard work. After a time they turned away from their cruel father, so he drowned them all — except for one family. Then, in his great kindness, he promised to never do such a thing again. What a guy.

Later the holocaust survivors banded together and built a skyscraper. This made God furious, so he confused their language so they couldn’t talk to one another and conspire together to make tall buildings.

Eventually God decided to create a “chosen people,” and when they didn’t live up to his expectations, he let them be enslaved by the Egyptians. After a long period of pain and suffering, he decided to listen to the cries of his people. He chose a leader, Moses, to get them out of slavery. Moses succeeded, but the people rebelled, so God made them wander around in a desert for 40 years, until everyone of that generation died, including Moses (because Moses struck a rock with a rod instead of just speaking to it).

He told his people to capture the towns of other nations, to kill them all and their animals, but keep the virgins for themselves to rape. He would command them to make slaves of other nations. He even let them sell their own daughters into sexual slavery.

He made an entire book full of laws of things they were not allowed to do. They couldn’t touch menstruating women, they couldn’t eat shrimp or pigs, they couldn’t mix fibers for garments, they couldn’t kill their slaves — only beat them until they’re almost dead, and thousands of other things. It was an impossible list to follow, and he knew it. He was just making a point that they were worthless scum and couldn’t match his wonderfulness.

Later he decided it was time to shake things up, so he impregnated a young women named Mary. He did this so he could have a demigod son that he could kill horribly, in order that a small group of people called RealChristians™ could escape hell, a place he created to torture those damned rebellious angels he screwed up on.

The people, as planned, rejected his demigod son and killed him. The Heavenly Father watched with excitement and forsook his son as he died, but to make it up he raised him from the dead a few days later.

And now he’s chilling in heaven with Jesus, until he decides it’s time for Jesus to come back. That’s when he’ll send plagues and famine to kill most of the earth’s inhabitants, and then Jesus will come down “with a sword coming out of his mouth” to “strike down the nations” and fill the earth with blood “up to a horses bridle.”

In the meantime, he only appears to crazy people, yet demands everyone believe in him. He doesn’t protect the orphans and widows that he commanded his followers to care for. He watches as innocent people are starved, raped and murdered. He sits back as his followers starts wars, molest children, and kill “witches” in the name of Jesus.

If that’s not the worst, most abusive father ever imagined, I don’t know who is.

Thankfully, it’s very unlikely he actually exists.

And that’s what I’m thankful for on this Father’s Day.

(Thanks to Sisyphus Fragment for the idea for this post.)

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