10 Things You Miss About Christian Fundamentalism

10 Things You Miss About Christian Fundamentalism December 15, 2011

So you used to be a Christian fundamentalist, but now you’ve been born again in the fires of hell and baptized in the cold water of atheism. Congratulations.

And while you appreciate all your new free time and ability to think through a situation without superstitiously invoking a deity or fleeing to church, there are also some things you miss about your old faith…

10) Carrying Your Bible

Also known as your “sword,” you were never a moment without that precious cargo. It might have even had a handy carrying case (mine did).  In a moment’s notice you could whip it out and get daily insight from anonymous authors or set your friend straight about the theology of predestination.

Now you just have the internet and the LOLCat Bible.

9) “Free” Weekly Concerts

It was so nice to relax, praise your precious beautiful cutsy-wootsy invisible Jesus, and listen to a band play repetitive, simplistic, sappy praise songs. There was never a better time to let your mind wander and think about all the other things you could be doing right now.

And remember that one girl who shouldn’t have been singing? Everyone felt too bad to say anything about it. At least she was hot.

But even though there wasn’t a cover charge, they always passed that pesky basket around asking for 10% of your income… and you sure don’t miss that.

8) The Superiority Complex

There’s something wonderful about feeling like you’re better than everyone else around you.

Whether being too good to watch a certain movie (“they take my precious Savior’s name in vain!”), go to a concert (“is it Christian music?”), or just being weird (“sorry, I have to go to soul crushing witness training class tonight!”), it’s really a shame to feel like you’re just a regular person who doesn’t really know what the hell is going on. :(

7) Potluck

Holy fuck, just that word alone got your mouth watering, didn’t it?

Remember the long tables filled with pot roast, mashed potatoes, sweet potato casserole, cornbread, fried chicken, cookies, cake, cupcakes… ok I’m a believer again! Sign me up and pass me the food!

6) Community

I mean it’s cool and all to sit at home in your underwear and talk to other enlightened atheists on the internets, but there’s something nice about meeting regularly in a sacred place with people who think similarly.

Plus, chicks in dresses.

5) Free Daycare

Admit it — sometimes church was worth it just because they took care of your damn kids.

4) Being Told What To Think

Thinking is hard. Remember when a guy in a suit got up on a stage and told you what to think? Life was so much simpler back then.

3) Christian Cosplay

Who doesn’t love dressing up in a costume and pretending to be something you aren’t? Putting on some nice clothes, smiling, and spouting memorized Bible verses is a nice change for a lot of people.

Unfortunately, too often things went back to normal on Monday and you found yourself sniffing coke off a hooker’s ass (like Ted).

2) Christian Bookstores

…because where else can you get the latest PRAIZIN’ GOD VOL 23 CD, a “God’s Gym” t-shirt, a framed naked baby angel, and testamints?!

1) Jesus

Yeah, you miss the 2,000 year old mythical man-god. He was your make believe friend — he always listened to you (though never talked back), never judgmental (except when you ate too many M&M’s), and best of all, he was always on your side (mostly because he was a figment of your imagination).

Yet even though these are all things you might miss…

Reality is better.

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