A member of my family has recently been a victim of a violent crime. All of a sudden the ground opens up and everything I have ever believed or thought I knew comes into the sharpest focus. The theoretical debates on the Catholic blogosphere about just violence versus pacifism are no longer theory to me. As my family attempts to comprehend what has happened, and sift through the overwhelming emotions that occurs when an innocent person suffers from someone else’s evil choice, my Faith is no longer intellectual. It is a Faith that calls me to embody the very words of Scripture.
I believe that the reason most of us have yearned for a path of “just violence” is for one reason only. We hate pain. Pain can come from being the innocent receiver of violence, or for me and most of my family members, the pain comes from watching an innocent suffer. Both types of pain are excruciating. The pain can so overwhelm that one finds that breathing, eating, sleeping, living a full life utterly impossible. Emotional and spiritual pain causes physical pain. I find that my body can barely move because of weeks of tight, clenched muscles.
I decided early on not to dull the pain with any medicine or alcohol because the member who suffered violence didn’t have that chance. If she couldn’t have it, neither could I. It was a choice of solidarity. But I was drowning. I was drowning in my hatred. Hatred for the person who caused such pain. My desire for vengeance I could taste. Vengeance and hatred have a flavor. It is a bitter, vomit, bile type flavor. It was in this state that I turned to Scripture for my relief, any relief. A promise of Justice is what I wanted. I yearned for the Divine Justice.
But night after night, I continued upon this passage and it clashed against my despair (Mt 5:43-48):
“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’
But I say to you, love your enemies, and pray for those who persecute you,
that you may be children of your heavenly Father, for he makes his sun rise on the bad and the good, and causes rain to fall on the just and the unjust.
For if you love those who love you, what recompense will you have? Do not the tax collectors do the same?
And if you greet your brothers only, what is unusual about that? Do not the pagans do the same?
So be perfect, just as your heavenly Father is perfect.
My God. How on earth can I love a person who has hurt us so badly? I searched in vain for the exception clause; the clause that would give me a way out of this terrible edict. Must I? Do I have to? Jesus, it is NOT fair!
My Spiritual Director told me the only way to fight despair and hatred is through love. I had to pray to God that I could love the victimizer has HE loves the victimizer. I told him, “I can’t.” He said, “you are quite right. YOU can’t. But God CAN. Begin where you are at and pray that God gives you the desire to love this person who has caused so much pain to all of you.” So I obeyed him. And I did it. THE minute I started to pray in this manner, I felt a weight lift off of me. The visual I have is one of a demon literally being repulsed by God’s grace. He could no longer be ON me. He had to shift weight a bit as God’s grace began to work in my heart.
I am learning painfully, and slowly that God’s way is liberating. We are enslaving ourselves to our human passions when we yearn for OUR way over GOD’S way. True liberation is when we can suffer the vilest things and STILL love God and our fellow human beings. Love. It is not the path of the weak. It is painful. It hurts. It takes every ounce of strength and rigorous prayer life to attempt. When we choose to let go of OUR wants, OUR desires and say “God, I cannot do this. You have to do it in me because I am completely and utterly incapable” we begin to imitate the process Jesus experienced who “emptied Himself.”
I could have never understood this Truth without the violence interfering in our lives. Ironically, it is through the community of Violence that my family is being baptized into the Truth.
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