Petitionary prayer, which is the kind of prayer most people are accustomed to, is perhaps the one which raises the most questions. The first, which we have mentioned a few times already, is the one which asks why God doesn’t just act, that is, why does God wait for our prayer to act? Others ask, why should I have to repeat a prayer, that is, why do I have to keep praying for the same thing before I get a response from God? Similarly, many ask, why don’t I always get what I pray for, since I see nothing wrong with what I ask and it would benefit me if I got it? And finally, like C.S. Lewis, we must wonder at the role of faith in relation to our prayer. On the one hand, we are told to pray for God’s will be done, and to ask for God to do something if it is within his will, on the other hand, we are told if we don’t believe God will give what we ask, our lack of faith itself might result in God not providing what we pray for — how exactly are we to reconcile the two? How are we believe we will get what we ask for, if we know it will only be done if God wills it, and if God wills it, then, once again, we return to the question, why exactly do we have to ask for it?
To begin, we must remember what has already been said about prayer. It is a dialogue with God, granted to us by his love. Prayer must always be seen within the sphere of God’s love for us, and our loving response back to God. Our love is capable of being of different kinds, and so it is capable of bringing different kinds of responses to God. Petitions are one such kind of response we can bring to God, and indeed, it is one of the first kinds we give to God. It is even used by people who normally do not pray when they find themselves in a time of great need and desperation.[1]This shows how rooted it is in us, that when we find ourselves in a fix, we immediately feel the need to cry out to God for help.
It is because God loves us that he has given us free will, but it is also because God loves us that he does not require us to act entirely on our own. We can, and do, need help from others — especially God. He gives us the possibility to interact with him, to ask for that help, and with it, we find his grace not only perfects nature, but allows us to transcend it, to do more than what we could have done if we did things entirely on our own. But his love for humanity and our freedom creates a self-imposed limit upon him; he does not want to force us to act, to turn us into puppets. He wants us to act freely, and to choose for ourselves how we will act and what it is we should like to accomplish. In this way, we see how God treats us as a loving father treats their children. Jesus’ revelation of God as father gives to us a way to understand his generous nature as well as why he does not do everything for us. He wants the best for us, but he knows that for our best to be achieved, we need some room to do things ourselves, even to make mistakes, and then to be there when we fall and help lift us up so we can do better in the future.
Our prayers should be seen under the light of our filial relationship with God. This is so beautifully expressed by Jesus in the prayer he gave to us to use: “Pray then like this: Our Father who art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name” (Matt. 6:9 RSV). It is not that we should just call God father, but Jesus reveals to us how God sees us as his children, and he will respond to us like a loving father:
And I tell you, Ask, and it will be given you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For every one who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened. What father among you, if his son asks for a fish, will instead of a fish give him a serpent; or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will the heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him! (Lk 11: 9-13 RSV)
To understand what is being revealed by Jesus, we should consider the way a loving parent will take care of their children. As infants, parents give to them their every need. As infants grow, their parents will begin to ease off in what they give to their children, and will let them act and do things for themselves. Children begin to move about as they wish, with a freedom to explore the world, to learn about it, and to creatively interact with it, all under the gaze of their parents, who watch out and make sure their inquisitive natures does not lead them into any grave dangers. Nonetheless, they still cannot do all things on their own. Their parents continue to give them the food, shelter, love, and attention they need.
While it would be possible for a parent to tie up a child, and give everything they think the child should need without giving the child freedom, the child would come to realize their lack of freedom and suffer as a consequence to it. It is for this reason a parent will back away and give the child room to grow, to mature, to develop their own likes and interests. The child will begin to ask for what they would like, and not just take what is given to them. They will reveal themselves and their character. If what they want is good, their parents will help them achieve their goals. If what they want isn’t so good, their parents will try to encourage some other interest, sometimes by suggesting something else, sometimes by entirely forbidding the child from getting what they want.[2] A good parent will take into consideration their children’s desires, and give to them what they think the child is ready for, especially if it would benefit them, or at least, if they see no harm in giving it and they are able to give it. But children need guidance — a child should not be doing only what they wish, when they wish, and how they wish. If a child wants to eat twenty chocolate cakes in a given day, a good parent will deny it to them, even if the child asks for it. A good parent might give a piece of cake one day, when asked, and might give a piece of cake another day, even if the child does not ask, but he or she is unlikely to keep giving pieces of cake just because their child should ask for it. A parent wants what is good for their children, but also wants their children to develop themselves, their own interests, their own way of being. They want their children to enjoy their life, so we must think of this development as not just one for “mechanical necessity,” but of establishing a real sense of value and meaning to life and how that is achieved. Thus, while many things might appear to be useless on a purely pragmatic sense, such as the arts, they are extraordinarily needed for one’s spirit to feel fulfilled, and so many such things should be among the gifts parents give to their children.
Parenting, therefore, requires a parent to make a space for their child to develop, to find themselves, while nonetheless not abandoning the child, not making the child do all things for themselves without help. The young child will first learn about the world through the opportunities their parents open up to them. They will come to understand what their parents believe to be good. They will learn how to ask for those things from their parents, and they will come to understand when it is more likely than not that they will receive them. Initially they might ask for things at the wrong time, such as asking for a piece of cake right before supper, or they might ask for something they have no ability to use, such as a motorcycle at the age of six, and at those times, they will be denied what they ask for, not because they will always be denied them, but that they will be denied them so long as those things are being asked for at inappropriate times. Later, possibly through repetition, they might finally get what they ask for, but if they stopped asking, if they stopped showing an interest in something they once desired, their parents may or may not give it to them later. After all, one might be interested in motorbikes at six, and by ten be entirely bored by them. Indeed, if a parent offers it later, the child might even refuse it, which is why a parent does not always give to their child what their child had asked for when they believe their child is ready for it. On the other hand, they might still try, if nothing else, to show their love.
A good parent will learn when to offer something to their children, and how to offer it, especially as they get to know their child and their child’s interests. A parent and child will learn these together — and so a child might, at one time, think it wants something, ask for it, and find out they do not like it. A parent will give them such objects ( to the best of their ability to provide for them), and let the child determine if it is what they want or not; thus a parent will provide many opportunities to their children, to let their children explore and find out for themselves what exactly motivates them and their lives for themselves. They will seek to give a wide variety of gifts, some their children asked for, some which they did not but they think their children would like if exposed to it, and then back off and let their children to develop their own particular interests and to explore the gifts given to them as they should like.
Not everything will always go smoothly. There are times a parent will require a child to learn or do something for their own good, whether or not the child wants to, but the child will then learn through interaction with their parent the necessity of such activities (even if it means the child will first pout and cry and shout and complain when being told to do something they do not want to do). In such socialization, the parent will try to install ideals in their children, hoping such ideals will help shape their children’s development so that, when they are mature, they will have gained from them even if they did not appreciate the learning experience itself. Thus we see the interaction between two types of free will, with the parents determining, in part, the space in which their children develop, and yet within that realm of interplay, the children are free to come into their own, to become unique persons with unique interests and personalities. Children will ask of their parents for things, sometimes get it, sometimes not; they will also sometimes be required to do things they do not want to do, and complain when asked to do it, but find out that their complaints and not heeded. The fact that their parents do not heed complaints in one given instance does not diminish their trust in their parents, and so they will continue to relate to their parents, in a loving, filial relationship, asking their parents for their own desires to be met, revealing to their parents (and, often, to themselves) what those desires actually are. If they were not required to ask, and just had everything given to them before they asked, they would not develop a proper understanding, not only of their parents, but of themselves.[3] Parenting is a difficult task, and parents are not, of course, perfect at doing it. Yet, it is important for them to find the proper harmony between discipline and freedom, between giving and not giving, for any fault in the harmony will hinder the proper development of their children.
Footnotes
[1] Hence the expression, “there are no atheists in a foxhole.”
[2] While it can necessary, it must be remembered, many parents have found out that when they forbid something to their children, it often reinforces their children’s desire for what is forbidden. They must strive to explain why it is forbidden and to help encourage something else if they do not want their children to turn against their wishes, especially if the parent is really looking after the welfare of their children.
[3] Not only does one appreciate more what one has to struggle to get, one finds out more about oneself when one sees the things one is willing to struggle for and those things for which one is not willing to struggle. Thus, parents also find out about their children and their desires; is what the child ask just a whimsy they have which will quickly go away (as is often the case), or are they truly asking for something which they will use once they get it? Of course, some things are worth getting as quick gifts, whether or not they hold their value, but some things — some of the most important things — are best not to be given out so quickly.
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