How to shove atheism down people’s throats in 10 easy steps.

How to shove atheism down people’s throats in 10 easy steps. November 1, 2012

Christina here…

We’ve all heard the phrase, “Stop shoving atheism down my throat!” from non-atheists. We’ve also heard, “Stop shoving your religion down my throat!” from others.

This is a figurative phrase. I means something like, “stop imposing your beliefs on me in a way that is threatening, hostile, oppressive, or inescapable!”

Well, what if we want to shove atheism down some throats?

Here’s a few suggestions, formatted in 10 easy steps.

1. Go after your family: It’s easy to shove atheism down the throats of family members.  Make your family a captive audience, especially children. Don’t let your children question atheism. Ban them from going to church or playing with religious children. Hinge important privileges like computer time or time with friends on them going to atheist meetups with you. Let them know that no theist is part of your family. Teach them that all theists lack morals. Withhold your love and affection from your theistic child. Punish them severely and physically if you catch them reading any theistic material or engaging in anything theistic.

2. Go after the children in schools: Children in schools are another captive audience. Make sure your school recites The Atheist Mantra during the morning announcements, daily. Make the children pledge allegiance to godlessness. Invite atheist speakers to give presentations during school assemblies about the virtues of godlessness and the vice of theism. Hang quotes about the evils of the Christian god in the hallways.

3. Go after language: Use language to marginalize theism. Tell people that theism is a slap in the face to this great nation. Define theism and atheism in moral terms: atheists are moral, theists are immoral. If theists try to work toward having more rights, say that giving them rights will take away your religious freedom.

4. Go after public buildings or objects:  Carve the atheist manifesto in marble on public buildings, especially buildings of law such as courthouses. Print “There are no gods” on all of the currency in your country.

5. Go after laws. Make sure the laws of your country reflect only atheist ideals. Example: atheist marriage is traditional marriage. Make sure your government does not recognize marriage between two Christians. In fact, ban theistic marriage.

6. Go after inclusiveness: Don’t let children form theistic clubs at schools. Loudly proclaim that atheism is the only right choice and the only way. Rip the Jesus fish off of people’s cars. Don’t allow theist’s children in the boy scouts.  This is a rather passive-aggressive tactic, but it works.

7. Straight up make atheism the only legal choice: This one sounds simple, but you have to be willing to grossly violate human rights. Make theism illegal. Punish people who engage in theism with death or imprisonment. While you’re at it, make it illegal to worship people or governments. Make it illegal to make fun of Christopher Hitchens.

8. Atheistmas:  Make sure that the cultural trappings of your favorite Atheist Holidays are all but inescapable.  If you own a business, play the same 20 Atheistmas songs over their loudspeakers for at least a month, preferably two. Call it persecution and anti-atheist bigotry if even private businesses and individuals who aren’t atheist decline to loudly recognize your atheist holidays. If some businesses choose to advertise with the words “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Atheistmas”, or some public spaces include holiday displays from non-atheist positions or even religious displays, call this the “War on Atheistmas”. Organize boycotts until businesses place exclusive emphasis on Atheistmas.  After all, atheism is the reason for the season.

9. Consistently confuse the line between neutrality and persecution. Claim that any act of neutrality toward atheism is actually an act of theism. If theists want our atheist manifesto removed from the courthouse, claim they are making our courthouse theistic. If theists want us to stop making children recite the Atheist Mantra in schools, claim they are making our schools theistic.

10. Go door to door: Canvass neighborhoods, knocking on doors, so you can tell people the good news about godlessness while they stand awkwardly in the doorway.

Have fun!

Learn more about Christina and follow her @ziztur.

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