Sky Williams is a League of Legends streamer (essentially he plays the game on the internet, people watch him, and he makes money) who also makes youtube videos about the game. I love his videos and have watched them all because he’s funny as hell. He literally makes me laugh out loud.
So you can imagine my surprise when I saw an upworthy post today titled “In Response To Robin Williams’ Death, The Most Powerful Description Of Depression I’ve Ever Heard” with an embedded video that had Sky’s face. It was strange to see him outside the context of this computer game we both enjoy.
I immediately watched the video. Through half of it I wept profusely. In my life I have written and spoken thousands upon thousands of words about mental health, about what it’s like, trying to give people who have never experienced a broken mind a glimpse into what it’s like. I have given more advice on how to help someone in that situation than I could ever quantify. And for all of it, I have never come close to doing what Sky Williams did in three minutes. It’s beautiful. It’s perfect.
My most watched talk on youtube is my Skepticon 4 talk about mental health, about my battles with anorexia. I am proud of the talk, and it resonated with lots of people. However, if I could go back and instead of giving my 40 minute talk instead say what Sky said in this video, I’d do it. No question.
Why did I cry watching this? He describes everything so well, but he also flawlessly explains why depression causes so much tension in everybody around it – and when he describes what he would now say to someone he knows with clinical depression…it’s so right, and it’s exactly what Michaelyn does for me. Jesus Christ, I’m so lucky. Just thinking about that…I literally went to my room to grab a handkerchief so I could wipe the tears off my keyboard.
I guess this is as good a time to talk about this as any. I’ve been assigned a therapist at a local clinic. My first appointment is on the 21st of this month. I’ve been wanting to write about it, but I just haven’t had it in me. I wish I had done it sooner. Most days I can’t eat more than 800 calories. I’ve lost five pounds. It’s hard for me to leave the house and so many things in my life that should make me happy have grown to a point where they have potential to send me into hysterics so severe I dry heave. Controlling my environment is getting harder and harder. As it does, my brain keeps whispering to me that Michaelyn and everybody else who loves me will get fed up with my struggles.
And they all stick by me. I’m so, so lucky. And some of you even donated money to me to help pay for my sessions. I don’t know what I would do without all the people in my life. I’m so, so lucky.