Franklin Graham has a master plan to defeat gay rights once and for all.

Franklin Graham has a master plan to defeat gay rights once and for all. June 10, 2015

Franklin Graham is calling on all true Christians to stop doing business with LGBT-friendly companies.  That’ll show them.

On Friday (June 5), Graham said it had “dawned” on him how to “fight the tide of moral decay that is being crammed down our throats by big business, the media, and the gay & lesbian community.”

His solution: Stop doing business with LGBT-friendly companies.

“Every day it is something else! Tiffany’s started advertising wedding rings for gay couples. Wells Fargo bank is using a same-sex couple in their advertising,” Franklin wrote on his Facebook page.

Beginning this week, the son of Billy Graham vowed: “Let’s just stop doing business with those who promote sin and stand against Almighty God’s laws and His standards. Maybe if enough of us do this, it will get their attention.”

Boom!  Just stop using gay-friendly companies (he announced on Facebook, a passionately pro-LGBT company).  There’s no way this won’t work or that people won’t be clamoring to climb on board with this protest!  I just threw away my last cup of Starbucks and I’m ready to go!

This will spread like wildfire!  I can email all my friends using gmail…wait, no, Google is pro-gay.  No problem!  Just sign up for an email address with yahoo…no.  Fuck.  I mean gosh-darnit (Jesus is watching).  Ok, ok.

So Google is pro-gay, so I can’t use my Android phone to blast this out.  I’ll just go pick up an iphone, no!  Apple is pro-gay as well.  Grrrr.  Maybe I’ll just head down to AT&T and see if they have any anti-gay phones.  Let me just pull up Internet Explorer (wait, no, Microsoft is pro gay), er, Chrome (wait, fucking Google again), er, Firefox (et tu, Mozilla)…can anybody just tell me if AT&T is pro-gay???

They are.  What is this world coming to?  Do you see how hard all this equality nonsense makes life for Christians like me?  To hell with them then (literally).  Ok Sprint, you just got yourself a smartphone customer.  Wait, never mind, I just saw that you don’t hate gay people either – in fact, you are pro-gay!  Sinner. I’ll just head down to Best Buy…they support gay sin too?

That’s fine!  I have a laptop I can use.  Thanks to Dell we’re going to take the fight right to these…Dell is pro-gay?  Whatever, time to bust out the ol’ Hewlett-Packard…nope.  Ok, have to think.  I can’t get a new laptop at Best Buy.  Maybe I can go somewhere else and just peruse every brand in existence until I find one that isn’t pro-gay.  But where else could I go?  Wal-mart sells shitty laptops but they’re pro-gay.  Maybe Office Depot?  Nope, they’re pro-gay too.  I think Target’s electronics section has a few crummy laptops…laptops of sin, apparently!  They’ll be sorry when they learn that Franklin Graham Ministries has painted a target on…Target.  Enjoy the loss of business…it’s coming, eventually, just like Jesus’ return.

Wait, I don’t need a store!  I can just order it online!  Oh Amazon, you’re a life-sav…you’ll have to answer to god, Amazon.  I’ll just hop on Ebay for convenience, low prices and…gay rights.  God dammit (literally).

I guess it doesn’t really matter what laptop I find since I can’t use Windows.  You’ll get yours in hell, Microsoft!  Hey, I see in my newspaper (not the online version, since I can’t access that) that there are some garage sales in my area.  Maybe some of them are selling a laptop that might possibly turn out to be made by a company that isn’t pro-gay.

But how to get there?  Ford Motor Company is pro-gay and so is Chrysler.  Welp, I’ll just hop in my American pick-up truck made by Toyota.  No way they’re pro-g…they’re pro-gay.  Ok, maybe I can rent a car, then I’m not giving money to one of those evil companies that treats all customers/employees the same.  Let me just pull up Orbitz.  Hey, what’s that on my TV?  Is that a pro-gay advertisement being run by Orbitz?  Do they actually run those?  Yes, yes they do.  Ok.   Expedia rents cars, right (even though I can’t contact them since it appears I can’t use electronic communication of any sort)?  But are they gay-loving cars?  Yes, yes they are.  That’s not an issue, I’ll walk.  The exercise will be good for me anyway.  Let me just lace up my Nikes…no!

Now what to wear?  Nothing hip, since Abercrombie & Fitch and the Gap are out.  Great.  Maybe I can just walk to the mall, barefoot, and hit up the JC Penny’s – wait, they had Ellen Degeneres as a spokesperson.  At least we still have blue jeans – good, wholesome American blue jeans because Levis would never…they did.  They support gay rights – which is impossible because our rights come from god and even though god loves gay people he just loves them in a way that looks an awful lot like hate and oppression.  Why don’t LGBT people get that?

Anyway, I’m not worried.  I’ll just stay in and think about what to do over dinner: a nice hot cup of Campbell’s soup.  It doesn’t get more American than that!  Wait, this can contains the broth of sin masquerading as two adults who give a shit about each other.  OK THEN COLD CEREAL IT IS!  What’s that?  General Mills is extremely pro-gay?  ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS????

No problem!  Mac and cheese for dinner, the kids will love it and it doesn’t taste of evil…yes it does!  Spit it out, quick!  Kraft, why?  FINE!  Oreos for dinner!  What’s with the rainbow frosting on this package….nevermind.

Well, there’s always Chick-Fil-A, and there’s one four miles from my house.  Easy walking distance, so at least I won’t starve.  I could really go for a chicken sandwich and a coke.  Wait, Coca-Cola is pro-gay too.  Who has the soda contract with Chick-Fil-A stores?  It’s Coca-Cola isn’t it?  It is.

Well, there’s a McDonald’s close.  A burger wouldn’t be so bad, and I’ll just skip the Coke (since McDonald’s has a contract with them as well).  We can pay for it with our American Express ca…really?  Them too?  Maybe I can get a card with Bank of America – they’ve got a really patriotic name, so surely they…for real?  It doesn’t even matter, because I’m remember that Americans for Truth (who’s position looks like nothing but lies when you compare it to what every major psychological organization says, but those scientists are clearly in cahoots against god) saying we should boycott McDonald’s for promoting youth homosexuality.

Calm down, Frank.  Have a beer.  Let’s see what’s in the fridge.  Budweiser, no; Coors, no; Miller, no – they’re all LGBT-lovers.  Ok, I’m super manly, but I would really like a drink to take the edge off right now.  I’ll just have a sip of this Smirnoff while nobody’s looki…no!  They did the “every pairing is perfect” ad campaign which specifically catered to LGBT people.  That’s fine, I’d never debase myself to imbibe that lady drink anyway.  Fuck it, I mean….no, I really mean fuck it.  What, does Big Gay have a trademark on that word now?  I’ll just drink Absolut straight from the bott…NOOOOOOO!  Um…water, I can drink water from the tap.  God gave us that water, which is why it’s tastier than every other drink ever invented and surely not purified with chemicals from some gay-loving company like Dow Chemical (wait, I remember the AFA putting them on their list of super pro-gay companies).  Ugh, I’ll just close my eyes and hope for the best.  Glub, glub, glub.  mmmMMMmmm, take that all you sin-happy companies!  Surely it’s you who is miserable now and not me and all my followers!  Ha ha!

Um, followers?  Guys?  We’re stopping the gay!  Sweetie, you’re not checking your email, are you?

Fine!  I don’t need people who aren’t committed to the cause.  Bunch of wishy-washy Christians who are all anti-gay until that means being cut off from the rest of the world, who needs ’em!  Come here, family.  We’re all going to gather in the living room with the lights off and watch TV.  God bless Time Warner.

Fuck.  Ok, we can just find something family-friendly right here.  Cinderella by Disney!  Good, wholesome, family…

Disney’s overtly pro-gay.  I thought they were a family company, but now I see they support families forming between adults I don’t like, so I can’t support them.  I’m too good for them, not the other way around!

Shut up, kids!  I don’t care if you’re hungry.  We’re going outside barefoot and naked to eat twigs and dirt.  God gave us those so we know they’re safe.  Isn’t being a true Christian great?  The bible says we’d be persecuted, and this is just proof that the bible’s true – not proof that we’re shitty human beings and that people tend to not want to associate with shitty human beings.


In other news, as part of Graham’s protest he pulled all his money out of Wells-Fargo, a gay-friendly bank, and moved it to another gay-friendly bank:

Unfortunately for Graham, the tendrils of the international homosexual conspiracy run too deep to ever truly escape: As CNN Money notes, the Billy Graham Association’s new bank, the North Carolina-based BB&T, doesn’t just depict gays in commercials but actively supports them as a sponsor of Miami Beach Gay Pride.

Good job, Frank.  You show ’em, slugger.


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