The Catholic Church has lost its most proficient soldier in the war against demons:
Father Gabriele Amorth, the Catholic Church’s top exorcist who claimed to have sent 160,000 demons back to hell, has died in a Rome hospital at the age of 91.
160,000? That’s quite a lot. Especially when you consider recent numbers. In March, 2010 Amorth claimed to have performed 70,000 exorcisms. Demons everywhere! Then, by May 31, 2013, the number had gone up to 160,00 exorcisms. That’s 90,000 exorcisms in about 1,153 days! That’s an average of over 78 exorcisms every day! That’s 3.25 exorcisms every hour assuming he has never slept or taken a day off. One can only wonder when he eats or visits the little boys room.
And we know he can’t be lying because the Church is the world’s moral beacon and having Jesus in your heart makes you better.
Amorth, who headed the International Association of Exorcists, said in 2013 he would ask Pope Francis to allow all priests the right to do exorcisms without the church’s approval. He explained that he was inspired to make the request after watching the pope perform what he insisted was an exorcism on a man “possessed by four demons” in St. Peter’s Square.
Whoa! Four demons? That’s like, the basis for a kick ass anime. Considering people carry video cameras in their pockets nowadays in the form of smart phones, surely somebody got a video that shows these four demons.
Because surely a battle to destroy four demons looks different from and old man in a robe putting his hands on a dude.
An 84-page update of exorcism rites compiled in 1614 and drawn up in 1998 stipulates how Catholic priests trained as exorcists should operate. According to the guidelines established by the church, they have to follow a ritual known as “De exorcismis et supplicationibus quibusdam,” or “Of exorcisms and certain supplications.”
I trust this process takes no more time than 18 minutes and 28 seconds, because that’s the rate at which Amorth was supposedly performing abortions from March 2010 to May 2013 (assuming he never slept and never traveled to find the demon-infested — they must’ve all come to him).
Amorth was also an outspoken critic of yoga and Harry Potter books and dismissed them as ungodly hobbies.
“Practicing yoga brings evil as does reading Harry Potter. They may both seem innocuous but they both deal with magic and that leads to evil,” he once said.
During the “3.25 exorcisms every hour” period, the Catholic Church was shuffling around and protecting child molesters. But that “evil” eluded Amorth, who was too occupied saving the world from the evils of children’s fiction and exercise.
And exorcist against exercise. Now that’s funny.
Referring to Harry Potter, he also said, “People think it is an innocuous book for children but it’s about magic and that leads to evil. In Harry Potter the Devil is at work in a cunning and crafty way, he is using his extraordinary powers of magic and evil… Satan is always hidden and the thing he desires more than anything is for people to believe he does not exist… He studies each and every one of us and our tendencies towards good and evil and then he tempts us.”
Yes, using your imagination to indulge stories you know are untrue can have a serious impact on your ability to actually believe tales of devils and men rising from the dead.
Reading about Voldemort is an affront to the organization who actually wants you to believe in Satan.
During the papacy of Benedict XVI, Amorth said that the sex abuse scandals which engulfed the Catholic Church were proof that the Antichrist was waging a war against the Holy See. “The Devil resides in the Vatican and you can see the consequences,” he said, according to The Telegraph. “He can remain hidden, or speak in different languages, or even appear to be sympathetic. At times he makes fun of me. But I’m a man who is happy in his work.”
Wait, the Church protecting child-rapists is proof of the devil? Why isn’t that proof that the Church doesn’t guarantee morality and was run by shitty people? Doesn’t that seem a lot more likely?
Describing people possessed by evil, Father Amorth once said, “From their mouths, anything can come out – pieces of iron as long as a finger, but also rose petals…
Did Amorth ever think to video tape this? Silly me, I don’t know why I even ask.
When the possessed dribble and slobber, and need cleaning up, I do that too.
Battling demons sounds a lot like finding sick people and doing a bunch of shit that doesn’t help, aside from wiping their mouths.
Rest well, Father Amorth. The world has lost a fierce warrior who nearly, not really, got the best of Harry Potter.