Myths About Religious Deconstruction

Do you wonder why people leave church?  Just ask them. Do NOT rely on the assumptions that those who are still in church make about those who have left church.

Anger and Freedom

When I meet someone who has left their church, I always ask if they are still angry. Invariably, they either say, “Of course, I’m still angry.” Or “Well, I used to be angry, but I’m almost over it.” No one has ever said (as you might have expected) “No, of course, I’m not angry. Why would I be angry?!”

In The Way, I wrote, “The loss of a belief is like the loss of a friend, and the stages of grief are similar: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.” I continued to write about anger:

“Once I began to see that some of my beliefs were not supportable, I became angry with those who presented these beliefs to me as facts, without doing the homework to know if they were supportable or not and without presenting any caveats or contexts. Finally, I became angry that many contemporary Christian beliefs had strayed far from the words and works of Jesus. In doing so, many Christian churches had been unkind to divorced people, LGBTQ people, and non-Christian people, to name a few—and they had done it in the name of religion.”

Also, deconstructing Christians who are angry are often responding to Christians who are angry.  You might have heard the expression, “There is no hate like Christian love.” This is NOT a belief that love is stronger than hate, but a belief that those on the receiving end of well-intended, but often very hurtful, challenges may perceive this “Christian love” as hate, not as love.

Some Christians brandish the Bible as a club, not a staff, when they address people who are leaving church.

I believe that it is helpful for people leaving religion to manage their anger and to find other outlets for finding community and for maintaining spiritual practice. I wrote about that here and here. For those who have done so, many people report that they have a sense of confidence, control and freedom.

Myths About Religious Deconstruction

There are a lot of myths about people leaving religion. For example, Eric Sentell, a writer at Medium, addresses seven myths about deconstructing Christians, including:

1) They want to deconstruct,

2) They have weak faith,

3) They will go to Hell,

4) They will embrace heresy,

5) They don’t read or respect the Bible,

6) They don’t know theology, and

7) They don’t know Church history and tradition.

I agree with Sentell that, generally speaking, these are myths. Here are a few more myths about deconstructing Christians that I hear often:

1) They are self-centered or undisciplined,

2) They are susceptible to fads or fashions or secular influences,

3) They are angry at God or religion, when they should be angry at particular churches or people,

4) They will never find spirituality apart from religion,  and

5) They want to sin.

In my experience, these are the kinds of things that people in church say about people who are not in church. I talk to a lot of people who left church, and none of them cite any of these reasons. Author Olivia Jackson discussed her book and her numerous interviews with deconstructing Christians on the Nomad Podcast here. She handily addresses these and other myths.

Once they manage their anger (or resign themselves to it) many deconstructing Christians are doing very well. In fact, many are doing better than they were doing in church. Contrary to the myths, many used to be fervent believers. Their loss of belief was not a lack or resolve, but a surplus of resolve, to follow the truth wherever it might lead.

Do You Wonder Why People Leave Church? Just Ask Them.

Many deconstructing Christians report that they are better people now. They are more compassionate and wise, no longer attached to supernatural beliefs or theological speculation that requires them to accept ancient doctrine, to believe unbelievable things or to marginalize LGBTQ+ people, immigrants, poor people, women, or anyone else.

Many “high-control” churches do NOT tolerate any deviation (or even any questions.) But, if we do NOT ask questions, then we do not learn, and we do NOT fully understand others.

Do you wonder why people leave church? Just ask them. Do NOT rely on the assumptions that those who are still in church make about those who have left church.

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