Traditionally it was believed that sex before (and after?!) marriage undermined the sanctity of the marital union. Is this in fact necessarily the case? I am not certain that sex between singles has any more to do with the sanctity or special-ness or stability of marital unions and the sexual acts that take place within them than committed unions between members of the same sex has an impact on heterosexual unions.
It is certainly possible that learning how to practice deep honesty, equality, respect, and discernment in sexual relationships as a single person in fact prepares one to make good decisions about a life-long partner and to practice these same spiritual practices within a marriage at another period of life.
On the other hand, all of the basic principles of spiritually-guided sexuality (seeing it as an expression of love, practicing truthfulness and openness, acting free from addiction, seeking the guidance of the Spirit in decisions) apply equally to sex between singles as between those in a marital relationship.
#14 Fidelity in Sexual Relationships
God longs for us to love our life partner with all our heart.
Monogamy remains one of the cornerstones of the traditional Christian sexual ethic. What is this about? After reflecting on this question for over 40 years, I've decided that it is the same issue as monotheism. The traditional words for monogamy (fidelity and faithfulness) are rooted in this connection between giving one's whole undivided heart to a partner and doing the same with God. As Friends, we may not vow to "forsake all others," but we do vow to be a "loving and faithful husband (or wife)." What this meant, at least in the past, was promising not to be romantically or sexually involved with anyone other than our spouse.
Why is monotheism such a big deal in the Judeo-Christian-Islamic tradition? This is because God wants to have us turn our whole being toward our relationship with Her/Him, rather than being divided in our loyalty. In the Book of Hosea, the prophet Hosea says that God asked him to take a wife who was sexually promiscuous and to forgive her and take her back again and again in spite of her sexual liaisons with men other than her husband. Gomer's lack of marital fidelity was symbolic of the Hebrew people's attraction to and liaisons with other gods besides Yahweh.
Jesus addressed the same issue of single-heartedness when he said that you cannot love both God and money. Many loyalties and addictions compete with our capacity to give our whole heart in a faithful manner to the Spirit at the center of our lives -- substances, work, sexual addictions, pride, attachment to our own ideas, and desire for material security are just a few. An addiction is a rigid attachment to a behavior that we are unable to let go of even if it gets in the way of the things -- and people -- that are most precious to us. If we have pledged our heart to God as our foremost loyalty above everything else, addictions may interfere with our capacity to keep that pledge consistently. Fortunately, God continually forgives us and invites back into intimacy with Her/Himself!
The same pulls away from faithfulness with God also pull us away from putting our life partner first. Sometimes the competing loyalty may be in itself very admirable. I lived in the 60s with a dedicated Quaker peace activist who traveled around the country organizing nonviolent actions. His wife seemed to me to be miserable. She appeared to feel that her husband's heart was much more dedicated to world peace than it was to her. Both Gandhi and Martin Luther King, Jr., also seemed to have significant competition with their marital faithfulness (of a very different sort in each case).
Our life partner longs to know that she or he comes first in our heart. She or he can tell intuitively if I am divided in my loyalty, whether this is because of a romantic or sexual attraction to another person or to projects or addictions. My dividedness may stimulate anxiety and need for reassurance in my partner. When this happens God can help me to love better and use this information as a spur to more single-hearted commitment to my loved one. If I am caught in a more wounded place, however, I may be scared or turned off by my partner's expression of disappointment and longing, leading to a vicious circle of disappointment and retreat.
Is there a conflict between giving my whole heart to God and giving my whole heart to my human partner? Jesus says that the two great commandments are to love God with all your heart and all your soul and to love your neighbor as yourself. This certainly implies that these two commandments are not in competition. In loving my partner I give bodily expression to my love for the infinite Spirit. My faithfulness to God will continually guide me in new ways to love my partner without limits. I suspect if I experience a conflict between love of God and love of my partner, then I have not gone deep enough in discovering how to love in either or both of these core relationships in my life.
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