The Stanford Forgiveness Project, famous for training people to move beyond their grudges, has been particularly successful in initiating Level Two forgiveness in its participants. Not surprisingly, they recognize that we cannot leapfrog from injury to forgiveness. A process is necessary, and it starts with acknowledging your hurt.
Any effective forgiveness process will begin with the telling of the story. I often suggest writing the story out, making sure to say not only what happened, but how you felt about it.
Pay attention to the feeling words in the story. Then, summon up the feelings they refer to. Let yourself fully inhabit the feelings of hurt, anger, grief, or whatever else arises. Say out loud that what happened was wrong. Breathe as you do this, and remember that your aim is to feel the feelings, not to act them out.
Recognize that the hurtful event cannot be changed. Realize that it has already happened, and that there is no way to undo it.
Realize that the person who has hurt you may never apologize to your satisfaction. Accept that. Notice how you feel when you accept it.
Now recognize the price you pay for holding onto the grievance. Is it burning a hole in your heart? Making you feel victimized and powerless? Bringing up fantasies of revenge? How much space have you given to your anger and thoughts of punishment or revenge? How has your grievance influenced your feelings about yourself? About people in your life other that the person you are angry at? How has it influenced your expectations about the future?
Recognize the fact that you are the only person who can change your attitude. Ask for help from the universal power of love. Bring your attention to the heart, breathe in and out of the heart, and imagine that there is a door in your chest wall. Imagine it opening to receive grace. Ask to be shown what you need to do, think, or feel in order to forgive. Ask for grace to give you the power to forgive.
Write down any positive insights that arise from this practice.
Now, ask yourself, "Can I let go of my sense of grievance?"
Usually, at this point in the process, the answer will be "Yes."
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