So when you go to your next family gathering, see if you can look at each of your close family members and ask yourself two questions: 1) What do these people show me about myself? What do I have in common with them? And 2) What do they teach me about how to live? Ann tried this with her family last year. Here is some of what she saw:
Like her, most of the people in her generation are seekers, looking for transcendence and meaning in some sort of practice tradition. There was clearly a shared interest in transformation. Her parents' were generally absent parents, and all their children—Ann's siblings and cousins—are deeply engaged with their kids. So they had all learned a new way to live, by committing themselves to changing one of the family patterns.
Ann's parents have a kind of gallantry and style that she still unconsciously emulates—making light of troubles in front of others, and doing their best to make other people comfortable. And the whole family, everyone in it, cares deeply about the earth.
There was more, of course. Ann and her sister still giggle about their starchy sister-in-law who can't stop criticizing Ann's more laissez-faire style of child-rearing. They still roll their eyes when their brother makes remarks that reveal his political sympathies. But Ann also recognizes that she is as intolerant of her siblings' political positions as they are of hers (the common quality being intolerance) and that her sister-in-law's attitude challenges her to stand up for her own way of living.
Training Ground
What I often tell students who have problems with their family members is to think of their next visit as a training opportunity. This works even better if you make a specific decision about what you want to train for. Maybe you're training for freedom, freedom to be with your family without getting emotionally bent out of shape. Maybe you're training yourself to notice your own emotional triggers. Maybe you're training in compassion, or in letting go of resentment. Maybe, as one of my Facebook friends shared, you're being given the opportunity to be loving, without caring about how your family responds. In fact, one of the best ways to approach a family gathering is to see it as a special opportunity for practice. Rather than going into it with expectations or dread, wanting to be recognized or loved by family members, or counting the minutes until you can leave, decide that you'll approach your family gathering as a practice experiment, an unparalleled opportunity to put your yoga to the test. What follows are some practices for turning a family gathering into a practice of internal yoga. All the suggestions here are traditional practices, and any one of them can change your experience of a family gathering.
Service with a Smile
Seva—selfless service or karma yoga, is one of the fast track practices of yoga—offered in every tradition for its power to cleanse the heart, kindle compassion, and turn your karmic challenges into enlightened activity. What better arena for practice then with your family?
Randall is known among his siblings and cousins as the family saint. This tag is only partly ironic. He spends family gatherings doing his best to make other people comfortable. He talks to the kids, spends time with the deaf aunts, clears the table, refills people's glasses. Years ago, Randall realized that he needed a coping strategy for dealing with the intense feelings of alienation that he often experienced around his family. Seva is what saved him. "When I'm doing my best to serve the situation, I feel positive, they feel positive. It just works," he says.
I understand what he means. Years ago, during a time when I felt estranged from my father, my guru invited him to visit his ashram. After I introduced the two of them, my guru turned to me and said, "Remember, he's my guest." Taking care of honored guests was one of my jobs around my teacher, and it was immediately clear to me that I was being shown the way through the difficulties between my father and myself. Looking at him as an honored guest, trying to make him comfortable, serving him in different ways made our relationship far less personal, so that instead of feeling resentful or hurt because he wasn't more emotionally present, I could interact kindly with him and enjoy him for who he was.
Beauty and the Beast
In the yogic practice of inquiry, you ask questions aimed at taking you past your surface viewpoint, and into the heart of a person or situation.
What is unique and beautiful about weird Uncle Al? Where do you think his wounds are? What might be the good intention behind your aunt's nosy behavior? Where does she hurt? Your work at this family gathering is to find a way to open your heart to that one relative you've never been able to stand. Sometimes what you need to do is look for that person's great qualities. But you might also find that your heart opens to someone when you recognize brokenness. Experiment. Look generously, acknowledging these people's greatness. Look lovingly, acknowledging their hurt. Notice how either viewpoint can change your attitude toward them.
Ad-Free & Subscriber Log-In