In Defense of Liturgy the First

We've all been there before; still high from the joy of the Mass when, in what can only be termed as a sabbatical buzz-kill, we are approached by the Christian who demands our attention and asks, "Why all the rules, rites and rituals, papist? Why all the custom and tradition? Surely God wants us to love him freely, to approach him personally, authentically, from our hearts: So why the pews, the candles, the kneeling and crossing of thyself?" Or perhaps the question was put to us a little more … [Read more...]

Why I Wrote…

...A Crazy Tale, and thus submitted you to a post far longer than the internet's attention span can handle. (Hey look! Something shiny!) If you have not read A Crazy Tale, then don't read this until you do, you uncool ignoramus.I was having a great conversation with a girl interested in Catholicism, while we busted suds during an evening shift. She had attended her boyfriend's Confirmation mass, and was letting me in on her experience, which had been wonderful. She didn't have any clue what was … [Read more...]

A Crazy Tale

I was sitting in the bar, a little miserable and bored, idly flicking peanuts at the bartender, when the door burst open and a man, breathing heavily, soaked and tousled from the storm outside took the seat beside me, ordered a rather inappropriate amount of whiskey and began to weep, snort, and otherwise express disbelief in some event that had - assumedly - just occurred. Thinking his mother must have died, and, wishing to do him some kindness, I asked "Rough night?" with what I … [Read more...]

Flogging a Dead Philosopher

Never trust the philosophy of a man with amustache wider than his face.The submissions flew in witty and quick after I left you to respond to the Nietzsche quote: "After coming into contact with a religious man I always feel I must wash my hands." They were all brilliant, but I narrowed it down to a few of my my favorites. Thus, I present to you an Exuberant and Witty Dance Upon the Grave of the Ubermensch:"After coming into contact with an atheist man, I always feel I must … [Read more...]

Get Religion

It was Mr. Hitchens who recently wrote that the greatest weapon of the atheist was the "ironic mind" against the literal, and I, after briefly and in passing asking myself "what the hell is the man talking about?" and stubbornly continuing the practice of what he would later term as the "cult of death and human sacrifice", have decided that I agree, but for all sorts of reasons Mr. Hitchens would be annoyed with.Not to isolate all you science majors out there -  I trust that whatever it is … [Read more...]

First Person Balogney

"By the way, the King James Bible is the only reliable English Bible that hasn't been corrupted by Satan." - some fundamentalist dudeI was driving down an awfully boring strip of road, or up it, I suppose, depending on whether you are happily waiting me approach the capital of the south, Richmond, or despondently watching me recede into the distance from Ruckersville, the capital of incredibly large portions of meat at Jinya's infamous Pig n' Steak. In one shape or form, I was moving, … [Read more...]

The Afterthought II

...in which I say all I wanted to say in Loneliness Sucks.I have very little tolerance for idolatry. I would have smashed the desert's porcelain gods along with Muhammad and torn down the golden calf with Moses. I took down my Jimi Hendrix poster because it was in line with my crucifix, and the whole line-of-vision situation was getting awkward. I make sure to not get too excited about coffee, for fear of undue praise to the inanimate, but despite such awe-inspiring intolerance, I can f … [Read more...]

Loneliness Sucks

There is nothing, for instance, particularly undemocratic about kicking your butler downstairs. It may be wrong, but it is not unfraternal. - G.K ChestertonThere are two ways of being by yourself. One is to be alone - a fantastic and human desire - and the other is to be lonely. If you want to be alone, the answer is simple - find solitude, and impose upon thyself hermitage, for however brief a time. If, however, the weather is too beautiful, joy begins to bore, Holden Caulfield seems … [Read more...]

On Gardens

in which I take a slight detour from How To Be Human...What Matt touches upon is what was being gently revealed to me, last night, as I watched The Passion of the Christ: Our God loves gardens. There's a part in that unapologetically awesome movie I used to think was a mere overuse of artistic license; when Satan sends a snake from under his robes to the Christ laying prostrate in prayer in the dark blue of Gethsemane. But last night, feeling particularly slow for not … [Read more...]

The Afterthought

...in which I say all that I wanted to say in Beauty-Addicts.Besides the really long name, another funny thing about the Holy Roman Catholic Church - may she live long and prosper - is this: While she struggles to unite her own children into some form of agreement with her teachings, she maintains the extraordinary habit - it might even be called the extraordinary knack - of uniting mortal enemies in common disagreement with those very same teachings. Thus a lesbian activist and a Southern Ba … [Read more...]


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