ETS, IBR, and SBL Humorous Observations

Okay, I’m in the process of renewing my memberships with some learned scholarly societies about biblical and theological studies so I thought I would make some humorous observations about each one, namely, ETS, IBR, and SBL. Now Australians tend to have a very deprecatory sense of humour and we like to make fun of some of the eccentricities of our friends. Let me add, different though ETS, IBR, and SBL each are, I believe in all three organizations, but that shouldn’t stop anyone  from laughing at ourselves especially if we are open to our own oddities. Think of this as a traditional “roasting.”

So if you are easily offended, read no further. But if you go ahead and read and you are offended, please feel no compulsion to tell me!

Also, make sure you understand why things are funny, comic devices, such as “hyperbole.”

ETS

African-American observations on ETS: “I haven’t seen this many cocky and stuck-up white dudes since Eminem played Duke.”

LGBTQ observations on ETS: “Well how was I supposed to know that all these guys were straight? I’ve seen more women in a gay bar.”

Hispanic observation on ETS: “While I was walking through the hallways of the Hilton on the way to give my paper, a gringo prof stopped me and asked if I could get him some more clean towels for his hotel room.”

Systematician’s question about ETS: “Where is the Barth studies section?” Response: “Are you looking for ‘Ehrman’ or ‘Simpson’?”

ETS Diversity: Diversity means SBC and PCA!

ETS Women Pro: “There was no line for the ladies bathroom.”

ETS Women Con: “Several men asked me if my name was Jezebel and requested that I do not make eye contact with them less they be tempted into sin.”

ETS Irony: Most conservative theological organization in the country, yet confession of faith is so vacuous that members can reject penal substitution, the second coming, and salvation by faith alone!

IBR

IBR purpose: place of refuge from ETS conservatives and SBL liberals.

Reason for IBR popularity: the papers can be dull, but you get a free book if you can put up with listening to at least one of them.

IBR worship: the place where evangelicals go to experience a bit liturgy without worrying that anyone from back home saw them enjoying it.

IBR worship: the place where mainline Christians to go worship God without worrying that anyone from back home saw that they really believed it.

SBL

SBL Irony: The only organization in the world where they think more of you for the less you think of the subject that you’re studying.

SBL Women Pro: During the sessions, male professors listen to you, treat you as an equal, and value your input.

SBL Women Con: During the receptions, drunken male professors leer at you, make crude comments about you, and offer you $200 to go back to their hotel room with them.

SBL worship: “Wor … ship? Is that like a boat or something?”

SBL diversity: Everyone without exception is welcomed … as long as you’re a Democrat-voting, Tea Party-hating, anti-capitalist, with a NYT subscription, a picture of Jon Stewart in your wallet, and you live north of the Mason Dixie line.

SBL confession of faith: “Faith is tolerated, but not necessarily encouraged.”

SBL Evangelical Hermeneutics Group: Cancelled due to violent protest at front of allocated seminar room by mob of Ph.D students from Portland holding banners saying, “Get your Rosaries off my Ovaries,” “Bible means Hate Crime,” and “Indict Bush for War Crimes Now.”