Things To Do at ETS/IBR/SBL (2015)

Time for my annual “to do list” for ETS/IBR/SBL.

For a start, weep, mourn, and wail for me as I won’t be there. Sadly, I won’t be able to hear all the good papers, see the latest books, catch up with editors, hang out with all of my friends, and consume food with enough corn syrup to kill an elephant.

At ETS, make sure you go to hear Myro Theocharous’s plenary paper. First female plenary at ETS for a long, long time. Congrats to the ETS Council for inviting her!

For the love of Martha and all that is good in the universe, make sure you go to Buckner’s Family Restaurant, bit of trek to get there, but boy it is worth it!

If you see women at ETS, try not to scare them, and tell them to come back next year with some friends.

If someone wants to walk around the book exhibits with a headcam and live stream it to me, I’d be very appreciative.

Stand outside of the entrance to ETS with a sign saying, “Bernie Sanders & Elizabeth Warren for 2016.” Do not expect to be doing it for long!

Make a life size statue of me out of papier mache and set it up at the entrance to the book exhibits and tell publishers they are religiously obligated to leave an offering of books at its feet for good fortune on their sales and author recruitment. Then mail the books to me!

If you are British or Aussie, when you ask for tea in Atlanta, make sure you say “hot tea.”

Be sure to ask Joel Willitts if he is sleeping well without his special SBL snuggle buddy.

Go to the Texts and Traditions in the Second Century section at SBL, the papers are awesome this year!

Find a way, by any means possible, to get to the Wipf & Stock reception – that is the partay of partee! I hear Snoop Dogg is performing this year or was it Chris Sprinks doing a Snoop Dogg impersonation, either way it will be fun!!!

Tell IVP you will not write for them unless you get a Starbucks Cup autographed by Liz Klassen and a boat ride from Dan Reid.

I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again: Mariam Kamell for ETS President, Dictator Perpetuo!!

Tell Con Campbell that it is up to him to film this year’s funny video.

If you see one of my PhD students, assuming they are willing to admit it, give them a hug and say, “It’s okay, Michael won’t be coming to heckle your paper this year.”

Tell the Zondervan folks that Mike Bird deserves his own press division called “Zonderbird” complete with private jet and entourage.

Stand outside the SBL book exhibits with a sign saying “Ben Carson and Carly Fiorina for 2016”. Again, do not expect to be doing it for long.

If you see any Southern Baptists at the IBR worship service, tell them their secret is safe with you.

Ask the Eerdmans folks that on a scale between Hugh Jackman and Russell Crowe, what is it like to work with Mike Bird?

If you see Chris Tilling, tell him his Pauline christology is so high it got mistaken for a Russian athlete.

Say hello to the Krazy Korean folks with the funny charts about the Bible.

Remember, it has been proven that holding hands with Joel  Willitts and speaking with a Canadian accent will enable you to get past security and get into the invite only Vanderbilt University reception.

If you see Nijay Gupta in one of the hotels, please don’t ask him to get you more towels, I know he looks foreign, but he doesn’t work there.

Check out the galleys for my forthcoming Romans commentary that should be on display at the Zondervan stall.

Go to the Coke Museum, it is great fun.

Please mail me some Chik-Fil-A, Almond M’n’M’s, and some “Vote Bernie Sanders” election stickers.