Things to Do at ETS, IBR, and SBL in 2016

As this year’s convention season approaches I have my annual list of tips of things to do, see, and look out for!

ETS

Bring  your Donald Trump hat, sweater, and badges and get a 20% discount at the B&H book exhibit.

Attend the book review session on Two Views on Homosexuality, the Bible, and the Church wearing a rainbow sash and a Bernie Sanders badge and I will give you a free copy of one of my books.

It is Michael Bird’s birthday at ETS, so buy him some buffalo wings and a bottle of Sonoma Valley pinot noir.

Attend the session on Analytic Theology and applaud loudly whenever Michael mentions Oliver Crisp.

Stand at the entrance of the book exhibits with a sign saying: “Mariam Kamell for ETS President.”

Do everything you can to encourage all women presenters! FYI, calling them “Jezebel” or asking them where their husband teaches, is not what I’d go for.

Purchase What Christians Ought To Believe from Zondervan and An Anomalous Jew from Eerdmans.

Bring a kevlar helmet and bullet-proof vest to the session on Trinity and Gender, it will be like the Hunger Games of theology.

Ask Denny Burk how the chin-up contest went!

To foreign visitors, remember, America is now known as Trumpopolis!

SBL and IBR

If you are a thrill seeker, try walking around the book exhibits wearing a Donald Trump hat, sweater, and badge.

Give everyone at IVP a big hug for at least three Mississippi’s and say, “So glad to see you guys!”

Enjoy the Mexican food in San Antonio, it is so good, President-elect Trump might try to build a wall around it.

Ask CUP to give Michael Bird a $150 gift voucher for his birthday on Friday.

Attend all the Texts and Traditions in the Second Century sessions, esp. the one about Judith Lieu’s book on Marcion by CUP.

Ask Bruce Longenecker if he knows of any good books about Pompeii.

Sit in a bar next to some Ivy League professors, pretend to cry, mumble, “Oh Hillary, it would have been beautiful,” and you’ll get free drinks.

For the love of Martha, find a way to get invited to the Wipf & Stock reception!

Give Michael tickets to Hamilton for his birthday.

Tell the protestors at the IVP booth that Yale Uni just announced a tenure track opening for the first applicant who self-identifies as a transabled, metrosexual, Eurasian, Rafastarian … and watch them run!

Purchase Michael Bird’s Romans from Zondervan and pre-order Jesus the Eternal Son from Eerdmans.

If you find yourself in a crowded elevator with Michael Bird, ask him to sing the opening song of Hamilton, everyone will appreciate it.

Attend the Australian College of Theology reception and enjoy the vegemite sandwiches and Aussie wine.

Remember the Alamo!

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