Genesis 16:1-6 Learning from Conflict

Genesis 16:1-6 Learning from Conflict (Learning the Tough Lessons – Part 3)

Abram had been dealing with a big problem that most people have as they get older. Abram asks:

But Abram said, “Lord GOD, what will You give me, seeing I go childless, and the heir of my house is Eliezer of Damascus?” Then Abram said, “Look, You have given me no offspring; indeed one born in my house is my heir!”
(Genesis 15:2-3 NKJV)

His essential question was: God, what good are your blessings when I don’t even have a son?

God promises a son (Genesis 15:4), and not only that, God promises a complete set of descendants (15:5). God’s promise was big – huge and amazing. Abram believed it and trusted God. God confirms this promise in a dream at the end of Genesis 15.

But something happened between Genesis 15 and 16. We don’t know what, but it appears that Sarai started having problems trusting God. She was Abram’s wife, but she had no children. So Sarai takes the initiative. She tries to make things happen. And this causes a complete mess.

Notice the scene: Sarai thinks that she cannot have children. So she tries to make up a solution that will satisfy everyone. She tells Abram to sleep with one of the maids of the house. Of course, Abram does it and Hagar gets pregnant. Sarai blames Abram. So Abram gives up to Sarai’s authority. He lets Sarai do what she wants.

Here is my question: Why didn’t Abram tell Sarai the promise that God had given him? Why didn’t Abram share with her the vision God gave Abram, even the dream?

WHERE DOES THE CONFLICT COME FROM?

1.CONFLICT COMES FROM NON-COMMUNICATION (16:1)

Now Sarai, Abram’s wife, had borne him no children. And she had an Egyptian maidservant whose name was Hagar.
(Genesis 16:1 NKJV)

This was Abram contribution to the conflict. Abram didn’t share with Sarai. So Sarai didn’t know what to do. This is the reason why couples need to keep talking. Most couples after they have married, stop talking. Of course, the excuse is that they don’t have time. Work, children, and responsibilities – these things all get in the way. But if you want to avoid conflict, or at least prevent lots of conflict, then start talking. Abram did not talk with Sarai, so she made a poor judgment that was not based on the facts. Instead, she made decisions without asking Abram. Since Abram did not tell her what he knew, Sarai was about to make big mistakes, that had she known what Abram knew, perhaps she would not have done.

2.CONFLICTS COME FROM UNMET EXPECTATIONS (16:1-2)

Now Sarai, Abram’s wife, had borne him no children. And she had an Egyptian maidservant whose name was Hagar. So Sarai said to Abram, “See now, the LORD has restrained me from bearing children. Please, go in to my maid; perhaps I shall obtain children by her.” And Abram heeded the voice of Sarai.
(Genesis 16:1-2 NKJV)

This was Sarai’s contribution to the conflict. She wanted a child. She was so desperate for a child that she was willing to do something really dumb. She gave her husband up to another woman.

Of course, I think she knew this was a dumb decision immediately. Abram actually did what she said. He should have said no. He should have said: Here is the promise; here is what God told me. I can’t do this. There is a better and proper way.

Notice that Hagar starts to despise Sarai after Hagar is pregnant. Why? Hagar has Abram’s child. Hagar is doing the work of bearing children. Sarai is Abram’s wife. Sarai receives the benefit of having children. Hagar knew that just because Abram slept with her and had sex with her, Abram would never love her like he loved Sarai. This brings us to another trait that causes conflict:

3.CONFLICTS HAPPEN BECAUSE OF COMPETITION (16:3-4)

Then Sarai, Abram’s wife, took Hagar her maid, the Egyptian, and gave her to her husband Abram to be his wife, after Abram had dwelt ten years in the land of Canaan. So he went in to Hagar, and she conceived. And when she saw that she had conceived, her mistress became despised in her eyes.
(Genesis 16:3-4 NKJV)

Notice the competition going on here. This was Eve’s problem in Genesis 3:17 and it is Sarai’s problem here. Sarai tries to compete with Abram in the decision-making process. She decides to not wait for Abram and his suggestions. Instead, perhaps without consulting him, she makes up her own mind what she thinks is best.

As a result of competing with her husband (which was a result of making decisions without consulting her husband), Sarai makes a big mistake. She thinks she is solving her own problem of having children, but in the end, she causes more problems.

Now sometimes women decide for a variety of reasons, I should make the decision. Perhaps it is because we live in a world where women can make decisions, work the same jobs as men, and can have an independent life. So when she gets married and has to deal with a man, and what he thinks, it becomes hard to give the decision-making process up. But if you don’t let your husband make the decisions, or of you don’t refer to your husband and give in to what he thinks is best, you are going to have conflict. It may be passive conflict. Passive is when one stops fighting and just leaves you – there is silence on the other end. Active conflict results in arguments, that can lead to fights, that can lead to trouble.

I think this was passive because Abram doesn’t argue with Sarai, he gives in. And I don’t think, this was a sit-around-the-table-and-talk-this-out solution to the problem. Instead, I do believe that this was a case of a wife nagging the husband. The fact that Abram “heeded” Sarai’s voice, that he listened to her instead of making the proper decision himself tells me that this was a conflict out of competition. Now, the Bible points to competition as a factor to conflict in marriage in the book of Proverbs. It says there:
It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife.
(Proverbs 21:9 ESV)

It is better to live in a desert land than with a quarrelsome and fretful woman.
(Proverbs 21:19 ESV)

A foolish son is ruin to his father, and a wife’s quarreling is a continual dripping of rain.
(Proverbs 19:13 ESV)

This leads us to the reason why competition happens. This leads us to the reason why we decide to compete and get involved in conflict.

4.CONFLICTS COME WHEN WE DON’T TRUST AND RESPECT THE OTHER PERSON (16:5)

Then Sarai said to Abram, “My wrong be upon you! I gave my maid into your embrace; and when she saw that she had conceived, I became despised in her eyes. The LORD judge between you and me.”
(Genesis 16:5 NKJV)

The reason why the competition happens is because the couple does not respect and trust each other. Now let me speak to the women here for a moment:

I am not saying women cannot work. I am not saying that women cannot study or have a business or live the same way as men. I am not saying that the job of the wife is to stay and only take care of the children. I was raised in a family where my mother worked and took care of us. So, I have personal view that is different than some people.

What I am saying here, and this is important for most couples here is this: You need to love and respect your husband – even when he’s out of work, or sick. You don’t nag at your husband that he does things wrong, you don’t treat him like a child because of his situation, and you don’t take over for him because you think he can’t do it. But you do help him. You ask how you can help and you help him. You have to trust that he knows some things and you respect him for that.

Sarai should have trusted Abram. But how can you trust when you don’t know what the other person is thinking? If Abram doesn’t tell Sarai what he’s thinking,

what he’s praying, and what he’s seeing, then it makes it very easy for Sarai not to trust him. Of course, when a man screws up in a big way in the relationship, then the woman trusts you less.

Abram didn’t respect Sarai. In respect I mean that he did not value and love Sarai as a person. He did not take into account how she would feel when he did what he did. He thought of the sexual pleasure without reminding himself of the promise of God. He should have said: “I love you and God showed me a promise. So I will wait for God’s promise with you.” But of course, Sarai was not thinking and trusting God – she thought that the solution was to let Abram sleep with a younger woman.

Abram of course, did not object. When his wife suggests for Abram to sleep with a younger woman, Abram didn’t let his love for his wife override his personal desire for satisfaction. Instead, he “heeded her voice.” Abram agreed to do what Sarai asked. The consequences of this misjudgment would be severe for everyone involved.

5.CONFLICTS COME FROM DEEP-ROOTED INSECURITIES (16:4-5)

So he went into Hagar, and she conceived. And when she saw that she had conceived, her mistress became despised in her eyes. Then Sarai said to Abram, “My wrong be upon you! I gave my maid into your embrace; and when she saw that she had conceived, I became despised in her eyes. The LORD judge between you and me.” So Abram said to Sarai, “Indeed your maid is in your hand; do to her as you please.” And when Sarai dealt harshly with her, she fled from her presence.
(Genesis 16:4-6 NKJV)

Sarai was insecure. She let Hagar’s insult get to her personally. Because Sarai did not build her trust with God, she was insecure. She was insecure because she saw that Abram gave what Hagar wanted – a child. However, she thought that Abram wouldn’t do the same with her. Sarai looked at Hagar and the promises that Hagar received, and Sarai got jealous. Sarai got jealous because she did not know all the facts. She did not know all the facts because she had not been listening and talking with her husband. She let the insults from Hagar get to her. Notice what Sara does: Sarai receives the insults from someone (16:4)
and reacts by throwing those insults onto her husband (16:5) . She further reacts to the insults by mistreating another person (16:6).

This is one of the problems insecure people face. Secure people relate to the situation. Insecure people react to the situation.

ILLUSTRATION: Sometimes when I have a problem with something and my wife tells me there is a problem with this something. She never says I have a problem. She only tells me there is a problem. Jim, there is a problem in the church with this…I jump to the conclusion that someone does not have a problem with the problem, but that someone has a problem with me. Have you ever felt that way? Have you ever had someone tell you they have a problem with a problem? Have you felt – “Gee, this person has a problem with me because of this problem?” When you think this way, you are being insecure. What do you do when you think this way? You immediately start to defend yourself. You say things like: “Why are they having a problem with me?” “What have I done?” “Is there something wrong with me?”

Of course, when you say these things, you are reacting. When you react, you start to attack verbally. The person who you say these things to will think you are getting upset and it will look like you are blaming the other person. Heike tells me something that someone else said about a problem. It could be a problem related to the church or some other thing. Especially, when I am not really paying attention, I will think it is a problem with me. At that moment, I am being insecure. I am reacting. When I react, it will be defensive for me, but it will be directed at my wife. She will take that in and want to defend herself. “Don’t blame me!” Bam! Pow! You now have conflict.

STOP

You have to learn to stop doing that. You learn to stop throwing your junk around when you get to know yourself better. You get to know yourself better when you get to know God better.

Insecurities happen because we don’t know ourselves well. Conflicts happen because we don’t listen and communicate well. Do you know how you can become a more secure person and prevent more conflicts? Start communicating with God. Start listening to Him.

START

Then start sharing this new stuff with your spouse. Spend time listening to your spouse. How much time do you spend talking, sharing and listening when your spouse or your friends? Take a watch and time it this week. Is it 5 minutes a day? Is it 15 minutes a day? Does anyone really spend an hour a day with their spouse listening and sharing?

This brings me to three easy ways to prevent conflict. Conflict is a function of miscommunication and mistrust. Miscommunication and mistrust lead to misunderstanding, and this leads to conflict. So here are three simple ways to prevent conflict.

THREE WAYS TO PREVENT CONFLICT

1.Listen

Many people talk so much that they don’t have time to listen. When you sit down together and your wife talk to you, turn off the TV. Put down the newspaper. Stop listening to something else and start listening to your wife. Wives: when your husband wants to you, sit down and pay attention. Stop thinking about the things you need to do. Focus your mind on what your husband is saying to you.

This is especially when you are coming from different cultures. You need to focus your mind on one language. If the language is not your mother-tongue, you will need to focus and concentrate.

Let both sides talk. Don’t let one person dominate the discussion. Take turns listening to one another.

2.Ask

This leads to the point of asking. When you don’t understand something – ask. When you want to know more about what this person is saying – ask. When you want something repeated in your own language – ask.

3.Share

Don’t hide stuff from your wife or husband. Husbands and wives are supposed to share everything – including their conversations. You will prevent lots of misunderstanding and from it lots of conflict when you share everything. You have to take the time share what is going on in your lives. Take time to sit down and talk about all kinds of things. You can romantic about it, or you can be practical with it, whatever is best for the two of you. But be consistent. Make it a priority in your life.