#PatheosMirth Needs #Pagan Funny

I get a kick out of Christian jokes as much as anyone who attended Vacation Bible School, but there’s seriously too much monotheism in the jokes over in the Patheos Book Club right now. So as much as I was raring to write something heartfelt and reflective today, I think it’s time to unleash the funny on these folks.

*pretends to crack knuckles*

Why is it great having Pagan friends? They literally worship the ground you walk on!

What would Zeus drive? Whatever would get him chicks.

What would Odysseus drive? A Honda Odyssey minivan full of people asking “Are we there yet?”

What would Freya drive? A vintage Mercury Cougar. With a real cougar riding shotgun.

That was Zen. This is Tao.

What would Pan do? Seriously? What wouldn’t Pan do?!?

Jews, Muslims and Wiccans don’t eat pork: “Chew what you will, but ham? None!

Are you angry, disturbed, and offended by that spontaneous eclectic Pagan ritual? Don’t worry. They won’t do it again!

I will admit to being a Devil-worshipper, but I’m not very good at it. Thanks to a typo I sold my soul to Santa.

What’s the difference between New Age and Pagan? Hmm… $500? James Arthur Ray? Lots of punchlines for this one…

How many white light Witches will it take to change a light bulb? None. The light bulb will change itself if and when it’s ready.

How many Dianics does it take to change a light bulb? That is not funny.

How many Discordians will it take to change a lightbulb? Tuna.

How many Asatruar does it take to change a light bulb? Not necessary. The light from the burning monastery is sufficient for the feast.

How many Druids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Don’t be ridiculous. That’s what stone circles are for.

How many Ceremonial Magicians does it take to change a light bulb? Just one standing still. The Universe revolves around them.

How can you tell a Geek Pagan? They ask to get their car’s alignment set to chaotic neutral.

How many Trad Craft Witches does it take to change a light bulb? Until you are initiated we can neither confirm nor deny light bulb changing takes place.

How many Aries does it take to change a light bulb? Only one but better have extra light bulbs handy.

How many New-Agers does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They just join self-help groups to learn to live with darkness in their lives.

I just joined a Wiccan dating club. It’s called Craft Singles.

Obama tells his wife Michelle that he’s been initiated into a Gardnerian coven. She looks at him in disbelief and asks “You mean, like, Wiccan?” And Obama replies “Yes Wiccan!”

One night I had a wondrous dream

One set of footprints there was seen

The footprints of the Goddess they were

But mine were not along the shore.

But then some stranger prints appeared

And I asked her, “What have we here?

These prints are large and round and neat

But much to big to be from feet.

“My child,” she said in sombre tones

“For miles I carried you alone

I challenged you to walk in faith

But you refused and made me wait.

You would not learn, you would not grow

The walk of faith, you would not know

So I got tired, I got fed up

And there I dropped you on your butt.

Because in this life, there comes a time

When one must fight, and one must climb

When one must rise and take a stand

Or leave their butt prints in the sand.”

What are your favorite Pagan Jokes?

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About Star Foster

Polytheistic Wiccan initiated into the Ravenwood tradition, she has many opinions. Some of them are actually useful.


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