#PatheosMirth Needs #Pagan Funny

I get a kick out of Christian jokes as much as anyone who attended Vacation Bible School, but there’s seriously too much monotheism in the jokes over in the Patheos Book Club right now. So as much as I was raring to write something heartfelt and reflective today, I think it’s time to unleash the funny on these folks.

*pretends to crack knuckles*

Why is it great having Pagan friends? They literally worship the ground you walk on!

What would Zeus drive? Whatever would get him chicks.

What would Odysseus drive? A Honda Odyssey minivan full of people asking “Are we there yet?”

What would Freya drive? A vintage Mercury Cougar. With a real cougar riding shotgun.

That was Zen. This is Tao.

What would Pan do? Seriously? What wouldn’t Pan do?!?

Jews, Muslims and Wiccans don’t eat pork: “Chew what you will, but ham? None!

Are you angry, disturbed, and offended by that spontaneous eclectic Pagan ritual? Don’t worry. They won’t do it again!

I will admit to being a Devil-worshipper, but I’m not very good at it. Thanks to a typo I sold my soul to Santa.

What’s the difference between New Age and Pagan? Hmm… $500? James Arthur Ray? Lots of punchlines for this one…

How many white light Witches will it take to change a light bulb? None. The light bulb will change itself if and when it’s ready.

How many Dianics does it take to change a light bulb? That is not funny.

How many Discordians will it take to change a lightbulb? Tuna.

How many Asatruar does it take to change a light bulb? Not necessary. The light from the burning monastery is sufficient for the feast.

How many Druids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Don’t be ridiculous. That’s what stone circles are for.

How many Ceremonial Magicians does it take to change a light bulb? Just one standing still. The Universe revolves around them.

How can you tell a Geek Pagan? They ask to get their car’s alignment set to chaotic neutral.

How many Trad Craft Witches does it take to change a light bulb? Until you are initiated we can neither confirm nor deny light bulb changing takes place.

How many Aries does it take to change a light bulb? Only one but better have extra light bulbs handy.

How many New-Agers does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They just join self-help groups to learn to live with darkness in their lives.

I just joined a Wiccan dating club. It’s called Craft Singles.

Obama tells his wife Michelle that he’s been initiated into a Gardnerian coven. She looks at him in disbelief and asks “You mean, like, Wiccan?” And Obama replies “Yes Wiccan!”

One night I had a wondrous dream

One set of footprints there was seen

The footprints of the Goddess they were

But mine were not along the shore.

But then some stranger prints appeared

And I asked her, “What have we here?

These prints are large and round and neat

But much to big to be from feet.

“My child,” she said in sombre tones

“For miles I carried you alone

I challenged you to walk in faith

But you refused and made me wait.

You would not learn, you would not grow

The walk of faith, you would not know

So I got tired, I got fed up

And there I dropped you on your butt.

Because in this life, there comes a time

When one must fight, and one must climb

When one must rise and take a stand

Or leave their butt prints in the sand.”

What are your favorite Pagan Jokes?

Join me on Twitter. Just tag your jokes #PatheosMirth and #Pagan!

About Star Foster

Polytheistic Wiccan initiated into the Ravenwood tradition, she has many opinions. Some of them are actually useful.

  • http://twitter.com/FoolishWitch FoolishWitch

    thank you for a good laugh! they really put a smile on my face. *grin*

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=579027990 Allyson Szabo

    How do you get 10 Gardnerian Witches into a phone booth? Throw in a secret… How do you get 20 Alexandrian Wiccans in the phone booth? Tell them the Gardnerian witches just left…

    Why does baby dance at his first ritual? Because those coals are damn hot…
    What does baby wear at his first ritual? A light garlic sauce…
    What does baby say at his first ritual? Nothing; it’s hard to talk with an apple in your mouth…

    Oh let us worship Aphrodite,
    Though they say she’s kinda flightly…
    But she looks GOOD in her nighty!
    And that’s GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME!

    I got a million of ‘em…

    • http://www.patheos.com/ Star Foster

      Let us worship with the Druids
      Where we’ll drink fermented fluids
      Wandering naked through the woods
      And it’s good enough for me!

  • http://twitter.com/ashareem HRM

    How many hereditary witches does it take to change a lightbulb?

    Candles were good enough for granny, they’ll do for me.

  • http://about.me/mariadkins Mari Adkins

    Now, you may think it’s silly,
    And you may think it’s odd,
    But you NEVER have long download times
    When Hermes is your God!

    The Lord of Communication
    Holds court across the nation:
    And I pray that my little modem’s health
    Is his constant occupation!

    So whose name am I muttering
    When I’m down there on the floor,
    Seeking the bloody power plug
    And cursing by the score?

    You guessed it! Good ol’ Hermes!
    From sea to shining sea! (and beyond…)
    The Net, I’m sure, is his pride and joy:
    Good Surfing! So Mote It Be!

    …..

    Blame it all on my trad
    I showed up skyclad
    and ruined your full robe affair
    The full moon before
    I stood by the door
    only covered in my underwear
    and I saw the surprise
    by the look in your eyes
    when I pulled out my 10 inch …. athamé
    You may think I’m great
    Or that I’m just a flake
    But you’ll never hear me complain

    Cause I’m a friend of old Pagans
    Who dance in the nude in strange places
    Out in the night, I’ll be alright
    You can find us when the moon changes
    With no skivvies on open ranges
    I’m a friend … of old Pagans.

    ….

    Q. How many Gwyddons does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A. It takes four to direct, five to supervise, one to cast the Runes to see if it’s the best time for it, one (self-sacrificing sort) to settle disputes, five to chant the proper ritual, a committee of three to purchase the bulb (mustn’t overspend!), two to decide on the right wattage, and … My goodness! That doesn’t leave anyone to actually do it, does it?

    Q. Why did the Gwyddon form a circle?
    A. To get to the other plane!

    Q. What is black and blue and orange and white?
    A. Hare Krishna’s in a bowling alley.

    Q. What do you call a bear with a cross on?
    A. A Hairy Christian!

    Q. How may Hare Krishna’s does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A. They can’t do it, they keep breaking the bulb with their
    tambourines!

    Q. How many Gwyddons does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A. None! Are you afraid
    of the Dark??

    First Druid: Why does the chicken cross the road?
    Second Druid: Which road?
    First Druid: What do you mean, “which road”? … Okay, Okay! Any road will do!
    Second Druid: No way! There has to be a specific road and a specific chicken. OUCH that hurt! Why are you so violent?!

    Old Wizard: Why does a chicken cross the road?
    Young Wizard: To get to the other side, of course!
    Old Wizard: No, No, No! It’s because it can’t go around!

    What did one Gwyddon say to the other Gwyddon? – “I knew that!”

    Tortoise: How many Gwyddons does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    Hare: I don’t know. How many?
    Tortoise: It can’t be done!
    Hare: But why not?
    Tortoise: Because, first of all, they’ll discuss it endlessly, and then try to make someone take responsibility for it, and failing to do that, they’ll get angry and claim that everyone is being very negative, and that they don’t like the disharmony in the College – and that they are leaving to found a really nice College, and never come back!

    • http://www.patheos.com/ Star Foster

      The Garth Brooks parody is priceless!

      • http://about.me/mariadkins Mari Adkins

        i got that from somebody on podsnet back in 1996 LOL

      • LezlieKinyon

        What’s the link?

  • bibliophile1984

    “I just joined a Wiccan dating club. It’s called Craft Singles.”
    That’s got to be my favorite, but don’t you think it’s a little…cheesy? Haha I’m terrible at jokes :P

  • http://profiles.google.com/emkatcreations Kat Emralde

    “How can you tell a Geek Pagan? They ask to get their car’s alignment set to chaotic neutral.”

    Awesome… totally awesome!

  • JDStiteler

    How many Gardnerians does it take to change a light bulb?

    They won’t tell you. Check the Alexandrian BOS!

  • http://www.facebook.com/stephanie.metz Stephanie Cantrell Metz

    What do you call 13 witches in a hot tub? 

    A self cleaning coven.

  • Cara Schulz

    What’s the difference between New Age and Pagan?  A decimal point in the price.

  • http://entdinglichung.wordpress.com Entdinglichung

    as far as I know, the original “selling soul to Santa”-joke comes from a spoof tabloid by the “Church of the Sub-Genius” and says “Dyslexic Christian Sells Soul To Santa!”

    p.s.: Praise the Bob!

  • LezlieKinyon

    How to you tell a Unitarian from a Pagan? The coffee. 

  • LezlieKinyon

    (not really Pagan – per se – but a good one…) There was an event in the Arena: a trembling mystic and a lion.  The mystic fell to his knees and said “Oh Heavenly Father, make this lion a Christian!” The lion immediately fell to his knees and said, “Thank for this meal I am about to receive…” 

  • kadiera

    a Rabbi, a Catholic Priest, and a Wiccan High Priestess go fishing.

    The Priest decides he needs a bathroom break, so he steps out of the boat, walks across the water to the shore, does his thing, and walks back.

    A while later the Priestess decides she needs a bathroom break, so she steps out of the boat, walks across the water to the shore, does her thing, and walks back.

    The Rabbi, amazed at all this, finally decides that he’s going to the bathroom as well, steps out of the boat, and falls in the water.

    As he’s spluttering in the water, the Priest asks the Priestess “should we have told him about the rocks?”

    The Priestess looks at him, puzzled, and says, “What rocks?”


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