Homemade Porn: The New Safe Sex

You’ve always wanted to be a porn star, right? California’s helping you out with that.

The State of California recently passed a law requiring colleges to apply the “affirmative consent” standard when adjudicating sexual assault cases. What does this mean for the kids getting busy on college campuses? It means that both partners must verbally consent to each progression  of intimate contact, because we all know that what rape is really about is  miscommunication.

So now California’s “romantic encounters” on college campuses are going to sound a little like:

“Hey, can I kiss you?”

“I guess…”

“I’m afraid that’s not good enough. I need a clear answer here.”

“Sure…”

“Is that a yes? Because I can’t leave this up to chance.”

“Yes.”

“Can I put my hand on your back while I kiss you?”

“Uh-huh…”

“For the record, that’s a yes?”

 

This has got to be the best chastity-promotion campaign I’ve ever seen! I can’t imagine having to answer clearly in the affirmative to every.single. step. along. the. way. This is ludicrous. I understand what they’re trying to accomplish here by forcing the burden of proof off of the victim and onto the accused rapist, i.e. he must prove that she consented instead of her being required to prove that she objected, it will also require that she be able to prove his consent instead forcing him to bear the burden of proving that he said ‘no.’

What I don’t understand is how either of them will be able to prove this without either written proof (can you sign this form before I hit that?) or someone’s going to have to record the encounter in order to show that proper consent was given at every step. That’s right, California has just taken making videos of your one night stands from creepy-as-hell to the only sensible way to go. If the only way you have to show what really happened and keep out of the pokey is to have moment-by-moment evidence now that the law requires moment by moment “affirmative consent,” then you’ve gotta record it.

The only way any college student in California should be confident bumpin’-uglies is with the camera rolling, because if they say no to keeping a video record, then you shouldn’t be touching that with a 10 foot pole, much less anything else.

It makes me think back to dating in college, and I feel so badly for those kids in California. If only there were a socially recognized institution where two people could stand in front of their friends and loved ones and publicly consent to being long term (life-long) sexual partners, so you could do away with the mood killing affirmative consent and get the cameras out of your bedroom…that would be awesome. Then it could just be the two of you and spontaneous pre-consented to sex. (Yes, marriage is not automatic consent, I concede that point before you even bring it up. Sex is, in fact, and integral part of marriage. )

Until they come up with something like that, make sure your hair is fluffed, you’ve trimmed and tidied up the lady bits, there’s no lipstick on your teeth, and be sure to smile for the legally necessary camera in the room.

 

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