The Articles of Christmas

This post provides official notification of my intention, on or immediately prior to the 25th of December 2008, to wish readers of my blog a Merry Christmas. If you are likely to find such expression of Christmas greetings/wishes offensive, you are hereby asked to refrain from reading any and all posts on this blog which may have Christmas, Noel, or other synonymous terminology in the title which may be posted between midnight of December 24th and midnight of December 26th Eastern Standard Time. No responsibility is taken for computers whose clock settings may cause them to view a post in this category outside the specified time frame.

The Christmas wishes to be offered will be in accordance with the official articles of Christmas stipulated below:

The Articles of Christmas

Article I: The use of the expression “Merry Christmas” and its synonyms on this blog (henceforth referred to in this document simply as “Merry Christmas”) is not to be construed as a declaration of war, whether real or metaphorical.
Article II: “Merry Christmas” is not to be construed as a form of persecution.
Article III: “Merry Christmas” is not understood to void, invalidate, denigrate, supplant or replace wishes for a happy Kwaanza, festivus for the rest of us, Hanukkah, scary solstice, Newtonmas, or any other celebration currently existing or invented in the future which readers of this blog may celebrate.

Article IV: The Christmas wishes offered on this blog are void where prohibited by law.

Article V: Readers in the UK and multiple various former colonial territories of the British Empire are offered as an alternative “Happy Christmas”. This alternative greeting is not to be construed as implying the superiority or inferiority of any specific version of the English language, whether spoken as a living language or extinct.
Article VI: The use of “Merry Christmas” on or around December 25th is not to be understood to imply that the birth of Jesus occurred on or around that date.
Article VII: The use of “Merry Christmas” on or around December 25th is not to be understood as excluding a desire on my part that the Christmases of Eastern Orthodox Christians be merry when celebrated on other dates.
Article VIII: “Merry Christmas” is not to be contrued as an attempt to place an obligation upon readers to be merry on December 25th or any alternative date which they may understand as Christmas.
Article IX: “Merry Christmas” is not to be contrued as a contractual guarantee (or otherwise creating a binding legal agreement between the author of this blog and its readers) that Christmas (on whatever date it is celebrated) will in fact be merry.
Article X: All wishes of “Merry Christmas” offered upon this blog in comments by individuals other than the blog’s author, whether addressed to its author or to other readers, are understood to subscribe to these articles unless otherwise specified.
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  • Stephen Barkley

    Nice disclaimer. It would be really catchy on the back of a t-shirt.Maybe the next draft could include a subsection on our festive bushes.

  • Rev. Jeremy Smith

    Hilarious! BTW: This is a post to show my intention to offer a trackback to this post on Christmas Day. Any trackback does not imply endorsement by trackbacked site of the trackbacking site’s content.

  • Bruno Saavedra

    This kind of post amuses me!

  • scott gray

    whereas:since your articles included no penalties, punishments, or other guidelines for chastisement, ostracization, spanking, or dirty looks for rule breakers, and;because there is no implied or prescribed penalty for ignoring, violating, or marginalizing these articles:therefore:i’ll take the chance, then, and offer you a forbidden wish for good tidings related to one jesus of nazareth, even though i’m an agnostic.merry christmas!!

  • John Shuck

    This is great. There is a church in our area with a sign: “It is all right to say Merry Christmas”.This is East Tennessee, folks. Nobody’s gonna be messin’ with your Christmas.

  • benjdm

    That was hilarious. Well done, sir.

  • karla

    I found you via Rev Jeremy Smith’s blog.This is GREAT! But, scott gray, your additions truly add to the effect. Thank you all, and to all a belated Merry Christmas!