The War on New Year

Apparently the forces of darkness are mounting an attack, this time on the Christian holiday of New Year’s Day, which commemorates and worshipfully celebrates the anniversary of the day on which a Romanian monk miscalculated the year in which our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ was born. In addition to the anticalendricals, it seems that the Chinese, Jews, and Muslims are all opting out and deciding to celebrate other days as their new year. More recently the ranks of these heathen have apparently been joined by the ancient Babylonians. Worse still, countless American companies are yielding to the pressure from these groups, and instructing them to wish people “Happy New Years Day” rather than “Happy New Year’s Day”.

Truly committed Christians should be listening carefully for the lack of apostrophe and boycott any stores that prove to be committed to this heretical anapostrophism.

Fight the good fight. Make sure that you drink too much champagne on December 31st as midnight approaches, and not on one of the days celebrated by the heathen. Too much is at stake. Imagine the confusion if we had such crowds and brightly lit orbs descending upon Times Square all throughout the year.
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  • Erp

    Personally I rather like Nowruz but that is still a few months off. But then I’m not even an uncommitted Christian.

  • Ted

    “Make sure that you drink too much champagne on December 31st”I will do my best.

  • The Celtic Chimp

    James,Damn you, you holiday nazi!! Stop trying to take over Christ-mas and new year, you liberal, hippie communist, surrender monkey! I bet you strut around at home in an SS uniform trying to think up ways of turning children gay and stealing money from your local church to donate to pro-abortion organisations. I know your kind. You love your sin and hate God. Maybe you should move to Bagdad if you don’t like Christ!! P.S. Why do you hate America and freedom?

  • Erp

    You’ve been picked up by Pharyngula The result is interesting….

  • Anonymous

    Perhaps I will have to cry myself to sleep knowing that the mean old atheists are hijacking yet another holiday that has its origins in paganism and not Christianity. Oh the humanity! Why don’t you worry about something else, like why are there fossils even though my religion says the earth was created 6000 years ago? Or, why isn’t abstinence only sex-ed not working? Or even, why shouldn’t I be celebrating the diverse cultures and religions who celebrate their own New Year’s because Jesus said ‘Love thy Neighbors’? But feel free not to listen to me, I’m just a heathen who would likely be burning in hell but for the fact that there isn’t one to burn in. Happy New Years!

  • Valentinos

    you are either incredibly mentally ill or a comedic genious

  • Anonymous

    “countless American companies are yielding to the pressure from these groups, and instructing them to wish people “Happy New Years Day” rather than “Happy New Year’s Day”.”Countless is right when the number is zero.

  • James F. McGrath

    Well then, I hope I’m a comedic genius…although apparently my sense of humor is too subtle for some… :)

  • Bill

    It’s possible that I’m the cause of PZ picking up on this since I sent him the URL in an e-mail message. OTOH, maybe I’m giving myself too much credit. I also sent the URL to the Friendly Atheist; but he hasn’t picked it up yet as I write this.I was surprised that PZ seemed to take it seriously. I thought it was tremendously amusing. Thanks for the laugh.

  • James F. McGrath

    I’m not sure PZ really did take it seriously. In the past he’s linked to satirical posts of mine. Who knows? At any rate, if you liked this one, you’ll probably also like my Merry Christmas legal disclaimer. :)

  • Anonymous

    Yes, I think Bill has a somewhat limited sense of humor, one lacking in a sense of irony.George Tirebiter

  • Max Havok

    *clap clap* I’ve been Poe’d~

  • Ted

    Liberal Values picked it up, too, with some witty commentary.

  • Andy

    I’m almost certain PZ knew this post was intended as humor, but I’m not entirely sure about many of the commenters on his blog. . .(or heck, some of the commenters on this one)

  • kemibe

    Bravo. I eagerly await news of the War on Presidents’ Day.

  • Ted

    I think Havok is right: we have a classic case of Poe’s Law.

  • S E E Quine

    What about Thanksgiving?

  • buckiam96

    As a recovered christian (I’ve been clean for 6 years) I think we should wage war on the national day of prayer… I mean, seriously, why didn’t we evil Atheists battle that one FIRST!

  • The Celtic Chimp

    Posting satire without a loud notification that it is humour is always dangerous on the web. There are so many insane people posting, it is easy to be taken seriously. On that note, I will (unnessesarily, I’m sure) point out that my earlier comment was in jest) 😛

  • S.D.

    Damn you, Dr. McGrath: you’ve discovered our nefarious scheme.I only hope you don’t find out how we freedom-hating heathens are behind the plot to replace “Independence Day” with “Fourth of July” so as to downplay the importance of sovereignty and thus pave the way for world government.

  • j

    Doh! I only just now found your blog. I’m pretty sure that I didn’t drink nearly enough champagne on the 31st, and worse… I was naive, and entirely too complacent on the whole apostrophe thing. Thank you for enlightenment.