News From The Future: Pat Robertson Blamed For Christian Obesity

Due to my interest in time travel, I occasionally get sent news tidbits sent to me by well-meaning time travellers. I don’t share any of them that might actually change the course of history in some paradoxical way, but I don’t think there’s too much danger with this interesting item from thirty years from now, which seems particularly relevant today…

Article from October 31, 2039:
Pat Robertson Blamed For Surge in Christian Obesity

Although the days are gone when Pat Robertson was a household name, his legacy is still with us. Today marks 30 years to the day when he and his associates revealed to the world a Satanic conspiracy to influence children by having witches strategically planted in candy factories around the world. Apparently covens instructed such witches to pray over the candy, particularly Halloween candy, asking their dark lord to make it particularly succulent and addictive – and perhaps also to lead children who eat it to abandon Christianity or, worse still, join a rock and roll band.

In conjunction with this revelation, Robertson issued a challenge to his prayer warriors to not simply pray but act. More specifically, Robertson challenged Christian men and women of prayer to seek employment in candy factories themselves, and pray that children who eat the candy will not be led astray from the true path of faith, and also that they might find hymns and organ music strangely appealing.

Unfortunately, Robertson neglected to advise them to pray that the candy become foul-tasting, unappealing and devoid of calories.

In the three decades since Robertson issued his challenge, more and more Christians have answered the call. And as the number of such ‘candy prayer warriors’ has grown in size, the size of the candy prayer warriors has increased as well.

“We just wanted to save kids from the evil influences of Halloween,” said Candi Waistbund (featured in the photo on the right), whom we interviewed after her recent liposuction. “I never stopped to ask myself if I was strong enough to resist the temptations that Satan always throws at any true prayer warrior.”

Security footage obtained from the candy factory where McDonald was employed suggests that she threw herself at the candy, rather than vice versa.

In an attempt to counter this trend toward conservative Christian obesity, Robertson’s organization, now run by the 375 lb Edie Snickers, has challenged all true prayer warriors to abandon candy factories, which Snickers says have successfully been won for the Lord, and turn their attention to gyms, where apparently witches have lately been focusing their efforts, praying over exercise machines in the hope that people will become thin and healthy, and thus less likely to accept invitations to attend church that come from their obese, candy-factory-employed Christian neighbors.

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