Apparently the forces of darkness are mounting an attack, this time on the Christian holiday of New Year’s Day, which commemorates and worshipfully celebrates the anniversary of the day on which a Romanian monk miscalculated the year in which our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ was born. In addition to the anticalendricals, it seems that the Chinese, Jews, and Muslims are all opting out and deciding to celebrate other days as their new year. More recently the ranks of these heathen have apparently been joined by the ancient Babylonians and Mayans. Worse still, countless American companies are yielding to the pressure from these groups, and instructing their employees to wish people “Happy New Years Day” rather than “Happy New Year’s Day,” in so doing acknowledging a plurality of new years rather than the only true one.
Truly committed Christians should be listening carefully for the lack of apostrophe, and boycott any stores that prove to be committed to this heretical anapostrophism.
Fight the good fight. Make sure that you drink too much champagne on December 31st as midnight approaches, and not on one of the days celebrated by the heathen. Too much is at stake. Imagine the confusion if we had enormous crowds and brightly lit orbs descending upon Times Square all throughout the year.