The Bible (TL;DR Version)


God: All right, you two, don't do the one thing. Other than that, have fun.

Adam & Eve: Okay.

Satan: You should do the thing.

Adam & Eve: Okay.

God: What happened!?

Adam & Eve: We did the thing.

God: Guys


God: You are my people, and you should not do the things.

People: We won't do the things.

God: Good.

People: We did the things.

God: Guys


Jesus: I am the Son of God, and even though you have done the things, the Father and I still love you and want you to live. Don't do the things anymore.

Healed people: Okay! Thank you!

Other people: We've never seen him do the things, but he probably does the things when no one is looking.

Jesus: I have never done the things.

Other people: We're going to put you on trial for doing the things.

Pilate: Did you do the things?

Jesus: No.

Pilate: He didn't do the things.

Other people: Kill him anyway.

Pilate: Okay.

Jesus: Guys


People: We did the things.

Paul: Jesus still loves you, and because you love Him, you have to stop doing the things.

People: Okay.


People: We did the things again.

Paul: Guys


John: When Jesus comes back, there will be no more people who do the things. In the meantime, stop doing the things.


Via Reddit


"Sorry if I misunderstood you James. I think your response was unclear, Otto read it ..."

The X-Files: (All Too) Familiar
"The New Testament doesn't use the divine name Yahweh (Jehovah is a misrepresentation of the ..."

Can a Muslim Follow Jesus?
"The 'Jesus' the Musims happen to 'follow' is nothing short of a false Jesus. That ..."

Can a Muslim Follow Jesus?
"Great to hear from you, and especially to have you chiming in on this topic! ..."

Secret Mark and Rock Lyrics

Browse Our Archives

Follow Us!

What Are Your Thoughts?leave a comment
  • Bethany

    I like, except for the whole “Bible doesn’t say snake was Satan” thing.

    • buricco

      Well, it was only in the Apocalypse of John, around 100 AD, that the idea was even brought up…

  • Stephen Abbott

    Paul would be more like: “You’re okay if you just say few simple words and merely believe the stuff I say about the Risen Christ – whom I saw in visions – because you can’t really help doing the things, because of Adam and Eve.” (Calvinist and Evangelical edition.)

  • Not sure Christ was killed because they thought he did the things, probably more likely he was killed because he pointed out the people that were doing the things and they were powerful and didn’t like it.

    • Bethany

      I get the impression that a widespread feeling is that he probably was killed for some variation of claiming to be “King of the Jews” which would be a challenge to Roman authority, esp. during the always-volatile Passover festival.

  • Roy E. Ciampa

    Wait, are people saying that this little comical piece doesn’t have all the correct theological nuances? That’s surprising! It remains funny nevertheless.

    • a_w_young

      they’re doing the things.

  • ccws

    And the people read Wikkidpedia and said: