Thoughts and feelings

The following is an exchange between Sarah the Thinker and Sarah the Feeler. Feeler parts are in parenthesis because I often attempt to skip over them as though they don’t matter as much. (But they do)

I haven’t seen much of my abusive ex-boyfriend since we broke up. He didn’t stalk me or beg me to come back to him. He got over me faster than I got over him and he moved on and forgot I existed. So I shouldn’t be afraid of him.

(But I am)

I saw him for the first time since the big breakup about two years ago. He came to my cousin’s funeral. The two of them were friends, so I wasn’t surprised he showed up. I don’t think he saw me. Nothing happened.

(I went in the bathroom and cried until I almost threw up)

Then I didn’t see him again until this past summer. I’m friends with his sister and we were hanging out. She stopped by her mom’s house to get something and he was there, sitting on the couch. Polishing a gun.

People have guns, you know. No big deal. He’d never use it on a person. Especially not me. I’m sure he has no hard feelings.

(Except he threatened to kill you before)

Well, maybe he did threaten to kill me once when we were dating. I think he was joking though.

(I know he wasn’t)

He would never actually do something like that.

(He would)

So I’m not afraid. No big deal.

(I am terrified)

Anyways, I’m still friends with some people in his family, especially his sisters. Sometimes they tell me what he’s up to, as if I care.

(I care)

I hear he’s engaged, and that his fiance is a really nice girl.

(He doesn’t deserved to be loved by a really nice girl)

And they say that she’s tough enough to keep him in line.

(What does that say about me?)

(Was it my fault what happened because I wasn’t strong enough to handle him?)

Good for her.

(There are so many things I wish I could tell her…)

I’m glad he’s happy and I hope he has a good life.

(I hate that he’s happy and I hope he gets hit by an ice-cream truck)

(And I wished he still loved me. I don’t know why but god, I wish he still loved me)

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  • *many many many hugs*

    Hang in there, chick! We all have that one person in our lives (at least) where we know it’s better to be apart from them, but we still desperately wish things had worked out.

  • Don’t you wish that when we threw people that are bad for us out of our lives that we could throw them out of our minds and hearts too? There’s someone in my life that fits that description..although it wasn’t as unhealthy as what you’ve described. I think you are obviously a very strong girl and I know it’s frustrating to feel like you haven’t gotten over it. My guy? I wish he still loved me. Even though I would NEVER go to back to him. I just wish he was still hung up on me and I was moving on with a better man. Of course the opposite is actually true.

    I think it truly is a process. and the moment we think we’ve completed the process, we turn a corner and there is more road stretching out ahead of us. You talked about how the parenthesis were feelings. My mom always used to say to me “your feelings are important but on the train of your personality and spirit remember they should always be the caboose” I’ve taken that to mean that I can’t control my feelings and that it’s ok to have them, but that I shouldn’t let them drive me. I drive them! I’ll be praying for you that there is a complete healing in your spirit from this toxic relationship.

    • Your mom gives good advice! I should try to follow it more.

      • Ha! you and me both! oh also I’ve gathered that you are a Queen fan. Did you see the google doodle for today? it’s pretty sweet.

  • (hug)

    I’m so sorry.

    Is it unChristian of me to pray that somehow he’ll become miraculously (and painfully) castrated? Because I think that’s an awesome thing that could happen to him.

    Praying, dear.