One of the side effects of being a happy person is that unhappy people sometimes attach themselves to you hoping that a little of your sunshine will rub off on them. I’ve attracted people like this to me for as long as I can remember. I used to call them hangers on.
But really, they are more accurately described as Negative Neds and Nellies. These are people who need help and who are looking towards anyone who will listen to rattle off their complaints about all that is wrong with the world and with them and with other people who just don’t understand.
If you are a loving and giving person, as you most surely are if you are reading the Spiritual Naturalist Society blog, then your instincts are to be as helpful as possible. The problem with giving these sorts of negative people your time is that they are emotional vampires. They just drain you of energy and time and really, nothing changes for them. They are still miserable. And slowly, so are you.
So what is a kindhearted person to do? How do we keep ourselves open, while still protecting ourselves from the emotional drain these negative people can cause?
I’m sure you all have your own strategies, none of them very satisfying. I know that one time when I was quite young I moved to another state in an effort to shed about 6 people who had attached themselves to me who were taking up so much of my time but not making any improvements in their lives. Part of my reasoning for the move was that these folks weren’t going to improve if they continued to rely on me for support. It was time to make them go cold turkey.
But, the move didn’t really help. I just picked up so new hangers on and the cycle started again. Fast forward to where I am now in my life. I am a Humanist life skills instructor. As you can imagine, I get troubled people coming to me all the time. Suicidal people. People with schizophrenia who have gone off their meds. In short, people who need professional help who are attracted to the promise of how Humanism can help them.
The thing about Humanism though, is it is a philosophy about personal responsibility. Yes, it’s also about caring, but I don’t teach how to empower themselves by allowing them to remain dependent on others for their emotional support.
Also, I am a philosopher, not a professional therapist. I am well aware of the limits of what I can do for people. And understanding and knowing my limits makes all the difference in the world. It has literally changed how I think about and deal with negative people.
Our society has a stigma against seeking out mental health care. People who are troubled are looking for help everywhere they can find it. And yet, they rarely seek out the professionals who could truly help them. This is true of people in grief, people with neurological conditions and people who are in general need of preventative mental health care. In fact, if you think about it, you know you are guilty of this exact same thing. There are times you probably should have sought out a professional but instead went to extreme lengths to help yourself so that you didn’t have to go to a professional. We all have.
For me, part of being a Humanist is reminding myself that I need to be rational, skeptical, scientific and effective in my problem solving. I need to be honest with myself that there are in fact things I can’t handle on my own. Things I need help with. It’s hard to admit, but a relief when you do. It is at that moment that you stop struggling and start seeking REAL solutions to your problem. .
Which brings me back to how we, as well meaning and caring individuals can best help the negative people we encounter throughout our lives without succumbing to their negativity or being over burdened by them.
If I were to try and help them myself I would be doing them a disservice. All I can do for people who need help is point them to the help they truly need. And I can attest to the fact that strong reality based people like me rely on professional mental help when they need it! I can testify to the efficacy of professional mental health assistance and assure people that seeking out a professional really will help.When I am approached by people who need more help than I can provide, I refer them to professionals. I encourage them to seek professional help. I give them names, addresses, phone numbers and links so that they can get the help they need directly. I will drive them to appointments if necessary. What I won’t do is act as their de facto therapist. Why? Because I am not a professional therapist! I am a philosopher.
The biggest hurdle I’ve found people have that makes them resistant to seeking the professional help they need is fear. They just needed a little push, a little encouragement and the assurance that it is ok to seek out professional help. This is the caring compassionate, responsible and rational way to help the troubled people in your life. To continue to enable them without truly helping them is cruel. To ignore them and avoid them is also cruel. Helping them to help themselves? That’s a truly Humanistic approach to solving the problem.
The good news is that this approach is not only the most humanistic thing you can do, it is also the most effective. Pretty much everyone I have referred to a professional counselor has gotten the help they need and is recovering. So the next time you find yourself dealing with a negative Nellie or Ned, do everyone a favor. Be compassionate and caring and encourage and enable them to seek out a professional who can help them.
The Spiritual Naturalist Society works to spread awareness of spiritual naturalism as a way of life, develop its thought and practice, and help bring together like-minded practitioners in fellowship.
Written by Jennifer Hancock