Because Jesus Said Plenty About Marriage, and Other Inconvenient Stuff Too…UPDATED

Hey y’all. Didn’t you know that Jesus didn’t say nothin about homosexuality in the Bible? True story. You ain’t gonna find Our Lord say that particular word nowheres in the Scriptures. It’s like he never heard of that situation. Heck, everbody knows that if Jesus didn’t say it, it don’t exist. Right? Just ask Stephen Colbert.

Of course, Jesus said plenty about marriage, and I’m here to tell y’all, it’s damned inconvenient to the spirit of the age nowadays. ‘Cause there ain’t nothin worse than Jesus saying nothin about something than him saying somethin and then leavin out all the good stuff that we want to hear. Can I get an Amen? ‘Cause when Jesus talks about marriage, he only mentions that it’s between a man and a woman.

Have you not read that from the beginning the Creator “made them male and female” and said, “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh”? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined together, no human being must separate.

Ssshhhhh, Lord…have mercy. He’s a fixin to talk about divorce too in that passage. Quick! Turn the page and go huntin for when he said the word “homosexual” again. Next thing ya know, he’ll be going off about Hell, eeeeeeeternal fires, and other tall tales he was usin to pull the legs of them there 1st century simpletons to get a rise out of ‘em.

Whew. That’s was too close for comfort. Before you know it, he just might say something wacky like he didn’t come to destroy the law, but to fulfill it, or sumpin. Laws…who needs ‘em when we can just think for ourselves?

All these fundalmentalist Bible beaters are always bringin up stuff from the past that harps on the sins of Sodom and Gomorrah and all. I mean, for reals? That was sooooo long ago, man. We’s all evolved since them times y’all. Everbody knows that. Even the President of these here United States.

I mean look how effectively we treat others, and how we all live to take care of the poor and the downtrodden, etc. It’s almost second nature to us nowadays, ain’t it? As for Sodom and Gomorrah, did you know that some fellars actually think that Jesus was one of them angels that destroyed them there cities? I’m serious.

This guy named St. Justin Martyr, he was one of them Church Fathers, see, and why he goes so far as to say that the Angel of the LORD was a pre-incarnate Jesus, or something like that.

Talkin like that kin get you kilt quicker than you can say “do you know Jesus, friend?,” which is probably why Justin got that nifty last name. Looky here at what Justin said in this here letter he wrote to a feller named Trypho,

But if you knew, Trypho, who He is that is called at one time the Angel of great counsel, and a Man by Ezekiel, and like the Son of man by Daniel, and a Child by Isaiah, and Christ and God to be worshipped by David, and Christ and a Stone by many, and Wisdom by Solomon, and Joseph and Judah and a Star by Moses, and the East by Zechariah, and the Suffering One and Jacob and Israel by Isaiah again, and a Rod, and Flower, and Corner-Stone, and Son of God, you would not have blasphemed Him who has now come, and been born, and suffered, and ascended to heaven; who shall also come again, and then your twelve tribes shall mourn. For if you had understood what has been written by the prophets, you would not have denied that He was God, Son of the only, unbegotten, unutterable God. For Moses says somewhere in Exodus the following: ‘The Lord spoke to Moses, and said to him, I am the Lord, and I appeared to Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob, being their God; and my name I revealed not to them, and I established my covenant with them.’ And thus again he says, ‘A man wrestled with Jacob,’ and asserts it was God; narrating that Jacob said, ‘I have seen God face to face, and my life is preserved.’ And it is recorded that he called the place where He wrestled with him, appeared to and blessed him, the Face of God (Peniel). And Moses says that God appeared also to Abraham near the oak in Mamre, when he was sitting at the door of his tent at mid-day. Then he goes on to say: ‘And he lifted up his eyes and looked, and, behold, three men stood before him; and when he saw them, he ran to meet them.’ Genesis 18:2 After a little, one of them promises a son to Abraham: ‘Wherefore did Sarah laugh, saying, Shall I of a surety bear a child, and I am old? Is anything impossible with God? At the time appointed I will return, according to the time of life, and Sarah shall have a son. And they went away from Abraham.’ Again he speaks of them thus: ‘And the men rose up from thence, and looked toward Sodom.’ Genesis 18:16 Then to Abraham He who was and is again speaks: ‘I will not hide from Abraham, my servant, what I intend to do.’ Genesis 18:17

Hey Justin, that sounds like you was on the Road to Emmaus or somethin, having the scriptures opened up, and explained to you, and all. And another thing…are you sayin what I think yer sayin about God, er, Jesus, er, the Angel of the LORD, meeting up with Abraham before Sodom was destroyed?

And now I shall again recite the words which I have spoken in proof of this point. When Scripture says, ‘The Lord rained fire from the Lord out of heaven,’ the prophetic word indicates that there were two in number: One upon the earth, who, it says, descended to behold the cry of Sodom; Another in heaven, who also is Lord of the Lord on earth, as He is Father and God; the cause of His power and of His being Lord and God. Again, when the Scripture records that God said in the beginning, ‘Behold, Adam has become like one of Us,’ Genesis 3:22 this phrase, ‘like one of Us,’ is also indicative of number; and the words do not admit of a figurative meaning, as the sophists endeavor to affix on them, who are able neither to tell nor to understand the truth. And it is written in the book of Wisdom: ‘If I should tell you daily events, I would be mindful to enumerate them from the beginning. The Lord created me the beginning of His ways for His works. From everlasting He established me in the beginning, before He formed the earth, and before He made the depths, and before the springs of waters came forth, before the mountains were settled; He begets me before all the hills.’

Whoa there, Justin. Sounds to me like you think that Jesus was some kind of forward observer calling in the fires on Sodom and Gomorrah for God’s artillery battery up in heaven. Iszat right?

Me, I prefer to think of the gentle Jesus instead. Aside from that one time where he came unglued in the temple, breaking out a whipcord (where’d he get that thang?) and throwing over tables and stuff like an Ugly American trying to get some good service in Italy, everbody knows that Jesus was gentle, kind, and loving. And he loved everbody, and that meant never telling folks the truth of the error of their ways, right? He was always talkin sweet talk, all the time.

Show of hands from the parents in the readership here who love their children, but never correct them, for fear of hurting their feelings with the truth when they lie, cheat or steal. Uh-huh. I thought so. Loving parents never do anything like correct errors of their children. And looky, everthing is fine and dandy, as it’s always been.

If we ain’t careful, folks are going to ask themselves to think that Jesus is God, or somethin eerily Trinitarian like that. I don’t know about you, but thoughts like that will mess up my worldview, brother. I suppose you’ll say next that the Holy Spirit is God too, and he’s the one that inspired St. Paul to write all those inconvenient things that seem to frown upon same-sex relations and such. St. Paul, you know, after the risen Jesus appeared to him on the road to Damascus, had a close relationship with the Lord, despite the fact that Jesus was up in heaven to boot.

You remember them stories about St. Paul and sin from Sunday school too, right? There’s that letter he wrote to the Romans, for instance, and the one to the Corinthians, and the one to his young lieutenant named Timothy. You know, the one where he mentions them pesky laws and the “S” word again and again.

And don’t get me started on that ‘ol letter by that feller named Jude.  Instead, I’m glad I’ve got Stephen Colbert, Nancy Pelosi, and the President of these here United States to inform me on all the really solid Catholic teaching in regards to these matters. Not to mention Beyoncé. That way, see, I don’t have to think, which is the best way to be religious anyway. It’s self-evident, and all.

Lord knows I don’t wanna have to rely on the teachings of the Church, or her priests and bishops, on top of all them pesky scripture passages above. And who’s got time for Canon lawyers, and their highfalutin idears? I thought Christians was agin violence! Why we gotta bring guns to the table, I’ll never unnerstand.

And don’t git me started on that new Pope!

Say what?!

Besides,  life is too short for all that rigamarole, know what I mean? Readin books and going to Church is just about a complete waste of time. Can I get another Amen? Okey dokey.

Look here, that’s about all I’ve got to say on this matter. I’ve gotta go supervise my son as he cuts the yard now. If he misses a bunch of spots, and forgets to edge around the trees, and the sidewalk, and the driveway, and such like, I won’t pay it no never mind. That wouldn’t be very loving of me to correct his mistakes, you know. Lord knows I love my children so much that I never, ever, do anything to call attention to their errors. Know what I mean? And since I like the idea of God in my image, I’m pretty sure the Big Guy upstairs agrees with me on this here idear too.

Have a good weekend and don’t do anything that our fearless political leaders and celebrities wouldn’t do too. Peace and love y’all.

RELATED:

The Vatican (CDF) on Considerations on Unions Between Homosexual Persons.

Rebecca Hamilton: Marriage is a Mess and Homosexuals Didn’t Do It.

The Jesuit Post: DOMA and the Cost of Denunciation.

Hunter Baker: An Astonishing Message from A Gay Sister in Christ.

Monsignor Charles Pope: Supreme Mistake-A Response to the Supreme Court Decisions on Same-Sex Unions.

  • Esther

    I just applauded in a University computer room. People are giving me funny looks.

    • Frank Weathers

      Careful there, Esther.

  • Juliana

    Somebody buy this man a drink.

  • DZ

    While you were trying to hit your word-count goal with this sprawling, stream-of-consciousness post, I chalked up Colbert for the win. Amid the confusion of this mess, I think I gleaned that your argument is that since Jesus mentioned marriage between a man and a woman, ergo, all other marriages must necessarily be against his wishes. Great logic. That’s about as logical as saying that the teachings made up by people over the last 2,000 years on what Jesus REALLY wants are indeed exactly what he wants. Colbert is right. Focus on what’s important, like the Sermon on the Mount.

    • Frank Weathers

      And your logic is to ignore anything Christ actually said about marriage, and how it works, and who instituted it, etc., and forget that he is also God. Funny you should mention the Sermon on the Mount because these words were linked to above, pretty clearly (I thought).

      “Do not think that I have come to abolish the law or the prophets. I have come not to abolish but to fulfill. Amen, I say to you, until heaven and earth pass away, not the smallest letter or the smallest part of a letter will pass from the law, until all things have taken place. Therefore, whoever breaks one of the least of these commandments and teaches others to do so will be called least in the kingdom of heaven. But whoever obeys and teaches these commandments will be called greatest in the kingdom of heaven.”

      I reckon you didn’t mean that part of the sermon.

      • DZ

        Wrong. You can accept everything Christ said about marriage and apply it to two men or two women and not run afoul of a single thing Jesus said. Prove me wrong. The onus is on your dying breed, so enthusiastic to grant or deny rights to others, yet so painfully uninterested in Matthew 25.

        • Ana

          Jesus’ audience was Jews–the chosen people. They knew that homosexuality was wrong. He didn’t have to tell them that. It would be like telling them not to worship idols–they got it already from the Old Testament. Jesus told the apostles to go out and teach all the nations–not just the Jews, but the pagans too. So the letters of St. Paul are where this pagan society can find Jesus’ teachings on homosexuality.

        • Ted S

          Jesus claims to be God – John 10:30, Revelation 1:8
          God (aka Jesus) says Homosexuality is a sin – Genesis 19:1-13; Leviticus 18:22; 20:13; Romans 1:26-27; 1 Corinthians 6:9
          DZ, you’ve been proven wrong.

          Any questions?

  • http://www.liberalcatholicmom.com Claire

    I am not sure why you are speaking in southern vernacular, but I think it may undermine your arguments.
    That aside, you say yourself that Colbert is right: Jesus only spoke about marriage between a man and a woman. He never spoke about it between two men or two women.
    Now, of course, Jesus said that he did not come to” abolish the law of the prophets…”, but Jesus was often breaking the law of the prophets, and doing things that would have been seen as scandalous both then and today. We have no evidence how Jesus of Nazareth treated homosexuals, but I would guess it would be with sensitivity and kindness- as he treated all people from tax collectors.
    Naturally we want to help those suffering a morally bereft life, those who linger in a world of lust and pornography, but I wonder why our Church focuses so heavily on condemning homosexuality. Why are there no protests in front of divorce lawyers’ offices? Why are we not actively seeking constitutional amendments against porn? The unbalance seems to suggest that the Church’s preoccupation with homosexuals has more to do with a fear of minorities rather than a protection of marriage.

    • Frank Weathers

      Southern vernacular undermines arguments? Surely everything I linked to undermined my satirical “arguments” without regard to the language being Southern, Northern, Eastern, or from the West. Justin Martyr isn’t from the South. What about his arguments?

      I say Colbert is right only regarding the dearth of Jesus mentioning homosexuality in the Gospels. But Colbert isn’t “right” to imply to his audience that Christ said nothing about marriage. Nor is he right to dismiss what is said in the Old Testament, or in the New Testament about either subject. In fact, the scriptures drip with references to marriage, aside from the particular time when Our Lord discusses it directly as I cited in the post. Wherein the Church is even described as the Bride of Christ.

      And she has a lot to say about marriage too, both in the catechism as well as in encyclicals like this one, for example, which shed light on, and build upon the foundation of truth on the nature of this God-given institution. Truth is timeless, yet some feel that stuff written in 1930, like that encyclical, isn’t worth reading. If you count yourself among that number, feel free to check out the following as well,

      The Truth on Marriage updated in 2004.

      • DZ

        Please list the parts of the Bible you consider outdated and irrelevant (like stoning people to death), and those that are still relevant, and explain how you draw the distinction that some are silly leftovers from a far-off time and some are still THE WORD OF GOD today.
        Keep your “truth” and stop trying to legislate it upon people who disagree with you and your views that the Catholic Church speaks for everyone.

        • Charles

          Read the Bible, DZ. See the Council of Jerusalem in Acts. Read the Church fathers. Pray for understanding.

  • Jessica

    DZ stop trying to be an armchair theologian. You are embarassing yourself. We are Catholics. We are not Fundamentalist Christians. We do not take random verses out of the Bible- everything is interpreted in context via a 2,000 year old Magisterium. Yes, the Old Testament does mention stoning people, very nice you can read. http://www.ncregister.com/blog/jimmy-akin/how-to-respond-to-dan-savage-on-homosexuality-and-the-bible/ Scroll to the bottom of the page and listen to the rebuttal by Jimmy Akin. He explains how there are different categories of laws in the Old Testament. Remember that Christ came to “fulfill” the law, and not abolish it. Israel had an incomplete understanding of the fulfillment of God’s plan, however, Christians have the benefit of Christ’s teachings. Moral law and physical law are different. How about you stop trying to legislate your morality DZ? We do not give blind people driver’s liscenses, how is that any different than not giving homosexuals marriage liscenses?

  • Frank Weathers

    DZ ran afoul of the comment policy. Check it up topside under the banner.

    This discussion is happening in other places as well. Of note is Kevin O’Brien’s post as well as Brandon Vogt’s post with an interview with Peter Kreeft, and there’s latest from the Anchoress as well.

  • bill bannon

    DZ
    Aquinas points out that those sins in Leviticus that were punished by stoning were mortal sins and still are. Christ halted the stonings as punishment in the incident of the woman caught in adultery but Christ reiterated the immoral status of adultery to the woman at the well. Prior to Christ reducing the power of satan and prior to His bringing grace, men needed great threats to obey God…saints needed extreme garb or dress to separate themselves from their culture….Elijah and John the Baptist. Now saints can dress normally and men don’t need the threat of stoning to avoid adultery….now that Christ has reduced the power of Satan
    (eg…the paucity of possession cases now as opposed to when Christ lived). Gay actions are clearly condemned in the New Testament not by Christ but by the Holy Spirit in Romans chapter one ( yet They are One). If Colbert only believes in the red words of Christ, he is using a section of what God said….he is not encountering the vast majority of scripture which was said by the Holy Spirit in union with the Son and the Father. Christ points outside of His words by telling the devil during His being tempted….that man does not live by bread alone but BY EVERY WORD THAT COMETH FROM THE MOUTH OF GOD. The mouth of God includes the Old Testament which Christ cites to the devil repeatedly. In short Christ went outside His own red highlighted words into the Old Testament. Colbert just earned himself pain in the afterlife…never a good choice. And his millions will have vanished in that realm and have no cache there….at all.

  • http://bilikfamily.com/ Scott

    Hi Frank,
    A few of your USCCB scripture verse links are improperly formed. Since they miss the http:// prefix, they get improperly interpreted as patheos.com site links (and fail)

    • Frank Weathers

      Thanks Scott. I can always use the copyediting help. ;)


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