Reaching the “Nones” and “Dones” in Our Families

“My son has doubts about his faith. My daughter left the church. They no longer believe that the Bible is true.”

Such crises of faith concern many families in the Church today as we witness “the rise of the nones”—an increase in those who claim “no particular religion.”

God commands parents to raise our children “in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4). As the psalmist proclaims, “One generation shall commend your works to another, and shall declare your mighty acts” (Psalm 145:4). “So that they should set their hope in God and not forget the works of God, but keep his commandments” (Psalm 78:7).

What happens, though, when our children walk away from God? What do we do if our own child becomes disillusioned by Christ’s Church? Some define this process as “deconstruction” and the resulting departure as “deconversion.” Yet we must not lose hope, for God can still reach the prodigal even as they wander in the far country (see Luke 15). And God invites parents to participate in this rescue operation. 

So, what can we do when our children are wrestling with faith and drifting away from God? How do we “contend for the faith that was once for all delivered to the saints” and help our loved ones to stand firm as well (Jude 3)?

Humbly Listen

First, take time to humbly listen to your child (Proverbs 18:2, 13). Keep cultivating the relationship even if you disagree with their words and behavior. Many young people begin this spiritual pilgrimage with sincere questions and a dose of doubt. They need you to be a non-anxious presence who does not panic as they test their commitment to Christ. Embrace them even when they seem angry or despairing. Then, be like Jesus who often welcomed his disciples’ questions as he challenged them to greater faith.

Discern Their Heart

As you listen to your child, seek to discern their heart’s desires (Proverbs 20:5). Why have they encountered this crisis of faith and embraced a journey of deconstruction? How did they gradually distance themselves from the Church and its teachings and why are they questioning the historic biblical truths. Doubt and unbelief rarely surface on their own, but are usually prompted by desires of the heart. Common motives involve seeking the approval of peers, pursuing sinful pleasures, prideful thinking about their own wisdom above God’s Word, or losing hope when bad things happen in a fallen world. Discerning your child’s heart will help you walk with them through this crisis of faith.

Earnestly Pray

Throughout the process, earnestly intercede for your child and thank God for the gift they are to you (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18). Pray for them constantly and, if they are willing, pray in their presence as you walk alongside them. Put on God’s spiritual armor yourself, “praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. To that end, keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints” (Ephesians 6:18). For God’s Spirit can do far more to change your child’s heart than anything you say or do as parents.

Trust the Scriptures

Young people depart from Christ when they build their faith on any other foundation than God’s inerrant Word (Matthew 7:24-27). For this reason, it is good to continually test our faith and evaluate the strength of our beliefs (1 Thessalonians 5:21). Implore your child to keep the foundation in place even as they knock down the walls of human tradition and cultural Christianity. Show them the benefits of “renovation” over “deconstruction,” for it is much harder to rebuild if they demolish the foundation along with the house. Maintain your own faith that God’s living and active Word is sufficient for all matters related to life and godliness (Hebrews 4:12; 2 Timothy 3:15-17; 2 Peter 1:3). Then, trust the Scriptures to give you insight into your child’s heart.

Show Compassion

Realize also that many young people lose their faith when they encounter personal suffering or broken trust. Some have walked away from the Church after witnessing leadership scandals, financial impropriety, or spiritual abuse. Others have abandoned their faith after witnessing the hypocrisy or moral bankruptcy of professing believers (especially in their own family). Many more will turn away from God when they encounter personal hardships and trials. Instead of making them stronger, these difficulties can lead them into the tossing seas of deconstruction (James 2:1-12). Show compassion if your child has been sinned against or is suffering the effects of a fallen world. Then, examine your own heart and your own church for signs of hypocrisy. Your child needs you now, more than ever, to be for them, not against them.

Gently Restore

So, if your child is straying from the faith, don’t push them farther away. Instead, seek to restore them “in a spirit of gentleness” (Galatians 6:1; 2 Timothy 2:24-26). Point their eyes to a loving Savior who forgives and help them find a place of belonging in the local church (Acts 2:42-47). Parents must be part of God’s rescue plan when our children are being swept out to sea.