Donut Rules

If you really want to be loved and respected… buy donuts!

Donuts are one of the overlooked joys in life! These magical little pastries bring pleasure to almost any occasion. Think about it. Another boring meeting… “Hey, Jim brought donuts!” All of a sudden, the meeting has more life to it. What other food has this power?

But like many foods, there are some simple tricks of the trade that one needs to know about buying donuts. These simple “Donut rules” of mine will help you always get the most out of your search for these wonderful treats!

 1.    Don’t spell them correctly
Donuts don’t have to be spelled “doughnut.” Anyone who is so deprived of joy in life that they need to correct others’ spelling… they probably need a donut! Buy them a glazed twist. One taste of those delightful little twists of goodness and they won’t bother you again.

2.    Hand pick
Don’t let the person behind the counter pick your selection. We’ve all made that tragic mistake. The lady behind the counter asks, “Do you want me to mix it up for you?” And being polite (and spineless), we say, “Sure.” Then she goes on to pick that nasty pink wrinkled donut, a lemon jelly donut, a sugar donut and a bunch of other donuts that she won’t sell unless some other shmuck happens to let her “mix it up” again. Don’t make the tragic rookie mistake. Say, “no thanks,” and select the good stuff that you really want!

3.    Forget chains
I’ve got nothing against chain restaurants. I love Buffalo Wild Wings, and who can complain about P.F. Changs? But when it comes to donuts, you need to find that ma and pa donut shop in the corner of town. Forget Krispy Kremes or the highly overrated Dunkin Donuts. You might as well go to Chevron to get your donuts if that’s what your breakfast pallet craves. The independent donut shops are always the best ones.

4.    Milk is a must
Before you purchase donuts, check your milk supply. Do you have enough? Is the date current? Because you don’t want to be halfway through your old fashioned chocolate before you realize there’s only water or Aunt Clara’s egg nog to drink! Milk is a must for donut connoisseurs.

5.    One isn’t enough
Call me a fatty if you want, but if you really want to enjoy donuts, eat two. Sure, you need to run six miles just to burn the calories you ingested, but it’s well worth it. Don’t eat three, because then you really are a fatty. But donuts are waaaaaaaaay too good to just eat one.

6.    Even more donuts
A few years ago my good friend Joff made a new years resolution to eat more donuts. That’s what I call a new years resolution! When something tastes this good, why only have them a few times a year. We need to be like the police and make these a normal part of our diets. Wanna add some cheer to Christmas morning? Donuts. Thanksgiving breakfast? Donuts. Wednesday? Donuts! Elevensies? Donuts!!!

Don’t believe me? Go get a dozen donuts and bring them home to your house right now and see how your family reacts! You’ll be hailed king!

Everyone loves donuts!