Lost

I don’t think I can ever be a good person. I know how and it’s just too hard. God, why do You abandon me to my own base instincts? Why do You leave me to founder on the rocks of sin and stupidity? I can’t be good without You, but I can’t feel You when I need to. Is my conscience so dulled that I can no longer recognize the subtle pull of my Guardian Angel as he tugs on my sleeve? Is my soul so dirty that I can no longer see the light of Your Face to guide me home? Why then the persistent longing for You in the Eucharist? Why do I feel so guilty? Surely You will not leave a needy one to her own devices, and yet I cannot find my way and I do not know where to turn. I see You, and taste You in the Sacrament, and yet I am still dulled like a round rock that rolls over every surface.

I am as incapable of goodness as any stone. I am bereft of any innate potential for doing anything worthwhile or holy. Only Your Presence in me is good, Lord, and yet Your peace is me is unfelt. I feel like I cannot go another step toward the goal, and yet I continue to stumble onward. I am no fit example of anything except what not to do, how not to behave. All the gifts You have given me, and they are many, are of no value to me, because they do not bring You closer. I am lost and alone in my walk, and I cannot see You or Hear Your voice. I no longer know how to proceed. All my maps are dingy and torn in the places where I need direction, all my companions have moved on ahead. I am wandering, Lord, and I need You and Your guidance.

Help me. Amen.