I wanted to get better. And conventional wisdom told me that writing in my diary every day would help, but it was actually making me worse. I had been journaling for over thirty years. (That’s a lot of paper and ink.) I had periods where I wrote more often And periods where I wrote less. I was writing several times a week, on average. During the years I spent in LaGrange, though, I was writing almost every day. (That’s even... Read more
I’m not her any more. I’m not. I used to be her… the one who blogged about being in a tar pit; the one who wrote about how I was mad at God; the one who got angry at my messy, sad excuse for a life; the one who questioned if anyone was reading what I wrote, let alone actually cared about it…or her; the one who did a little of this and did a little of that and wrote... Read more
It sounds like a TV show, but it’s not. “So You Think You Can Write?” It’s the sound of the voice in my head. The voice that tries to silence me, but and, more that not, succeeds. Shut up. Just shut up. I’m writing now, as fast as I can. I’m writing like my hair is on fire. I’m writing for my life. I’m writing down the bones. I’m writing like it’s a sacred path, like it’s an act of... Read more
I don’t think I know what this means. I mean, I think I do. Christians are supposed to know what this means. It’s one of the primary words in Christianese. It’s jargon, A word you toss around when you’re in the know. But I don’t think I know. And I’m not sure anyone does. When you know something, it’s because you’re familiar with it. You have an understanding of it. You’re intimate with it. Farmers know about crops and irrigation.... Read more
I am a fake. I’m pretending to be normal, and if they find out, something bad will happen. ***** This is the current mental conversation: I can’t deal with this. Don’t say “can’t.” You can deal with this. You’re right. I can deal with this. [Five seconds pass.] I can’t deal with this. Yes, you can deal with this. This is nothing new. Life is hard. Life can be a challenge. Life is a challenge and if it’s not, you’re... Read more
You’ll know it after it happens, but probably not during. It could happen anywhere. Dancing in a moonlit grove. Kneeling in a quiet cathedral. Chanting with some Tibetan Buddhists. Washing the dishes. And you’re caught up in the moment, and the moment is forever, and the moment is a moment, and the moment is God. You’re dumbstruck, or you’re laughing, or you’re crying, or…well, you’re not really sure. You’re…just… worshiping. Something catches you, and there’s a sense of realization, and... Read more
I got in a fight yesterday. It may not have been a fistfight, but it wasn’t any prettier. I didn’t start it (though I’m sure the other person didn’t think that, either) and I didn’t finish it, but that doesn’t make it right. Or wrong. It just was. I know, I know. I should’ve known better than to step into the ring. These things never end well. (Sometimes it seems they never end.) But when somebody jumps you in an... Read more
Sendik’s sells it as Seedless watermelon wedges But I call it Hot day happiness Sixty-five cents of seedless satisfaction Read more
Walking along, I watch the breeze ruffle my long skirt around my ankles. It’s really hot out, but I needed to walk. Amazing how walking gives clarity, The simple action of placing one foot in front of the other quiets the mind. Or does it? It’s been seven days since we last talked. Seven days fraught with enough emotional turbulence to make even the doughtiest counselor cringe away from entering the cockpit of my mind. Belligerent fury, sobbing anguish, exhausted... Read more
I have nothing to say, but I’m writing anyway. Last. What am I to make of that? Last place? Last in line? Last to get married? Last one to know? Thought it’d never last? Losers are the ones that come in last, and I’m feeling like a loser. I shouldn’t, but I am. I did nothing wrong, and that’s how I know I’m right. So why am I feeling bad? Guilty of no real wrongdoing. Knowing that. Still feeling like... Read more
After the Ecstasy, the Laundry...
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