Seeking The Grail: Anxiety And Body Image

This past year I’ve come face to face with some of my deeper issues with body image and how that impacts my personal work, my spiritual seeking, and my work as a leader. In fact, I’d say that poor self esteem is one of the most problematic issues I see within Pagan leadership. Poor self confidence (for both leaders and community members) creates many of the problems that cause community blowups.

This post is, on the surface, about my struggle with acne. But really, it’s about my personal work, my shadows, my body image and my anxiety. *I want to be clear in writing this vulnerable post that I’m not interested in health care advice or reassurances that I look “good.” I’ll address unsolicited advice at the end.

This past summer I threw in the towel; after years of trying to manage things with diet, I finally went on antibiotics again to deal with my acne. It’s been almost twenty years since I had a prescription for my skin issues. The experience was profound because I couldn’t help but notice how fast my anxiety reduced as my skin cleared up.

Body Image Issues

I’ve fought my whole life with body image issues related to my weight and my skin. I’ve healed a lot of my past wounds, I’ve gained a lot of true self esteem and confidence. It’s still a struggle; I can resist a lot of society’s programming about what I’m “supposed” to look like, but it’s still there. It still takes effort to resist the programming that tells me I’m fat, ugly, and not good enough.

For context: I’m 5’9″ and I weigh about 200 pounds, but I’ve been as heavy as about 330 or so. Att 38 years old, I still have acne. I’ve learned that the hormonal imbalance from PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) likely causes it. I’ve had acne since just before I turned ten, stated antibiotics when I was fifteen, and went off them at 21 to start Accutane, a dangerous medication with severe side effects. Accutane works well for some and it eliminated my acne for a time, but then it returned.

Years later I discovered that dairy and wheat both seemed to exacerbate my skin problems. It took me years of to finally cut out foods that seemed to exacerbate my skin issues, migraines, and depression. I’ve eliminated wheat, dairy, most preservatives, most added sugar, and all fake sweeteners.

Despite being healthier in many ways than I ever have been, my acne got progressively worse these past years.

I didn’t want to go back on long-term antibiotics. However, back in June of last year, I decided to finally bite the bullet and go to the low-income clinic where I get my prescription for thyroid meds. I was given a three month prescription for antibiotics.

It’s worth pointing out that the clinic wants me to see an endocrinologist to perhaps go on Metformin or Spironolactone to control the symptoms of PCOS without the antibiotics. But, in order to see any specialists, I’m going to have to get health care assistance which requires a lot of paperwork to prove I’m as much of a starving artist as I am…and healthcare for low income/self employed people is a whole separate tangent.

Suffice to say, it’s not easy for me to get medical care, even something as simple as a prescription.And given one of the things I’ve been working with the past years is trying to manage my anxiety, navigating healthcare for broke people doesn’t exactly reduce my anxiety.

The Shift

The antibiotics finally started having an impact in mid June. It was a visceral, kinesthetic revelation. My face wasn’t in pain any longer. With the meds, I suddenly didn’t feel that sting, that ache. I didn’t need to worry about what condition my skin was in before I prepared to leave the house…whether that was for an errand or to travel and teach at a festival. I felt confident enough to actually go out on dates with new people. I didn’t need to worry about my daily elaborate showering/skin care routine plus the cover-up/makeup routine if I was traveling, or staying over at someone else’s place.

In a word–my anxiety level dropped tremendously. More, it was easier to just be happy. I was in a better mood consistently.

“Happy” is a word I struggle with; I usually find myself caught in the snarly mess between anxiety leading me to depression, exhaustion, and dejection. When I’m having a bad skin day and I need to go outside, I go through a particular panic cycle. How bad is it? Am I just going to the grocery store where I can just keep my head down and go through self checkout? Or am I going to places where I need to interact with people? If I’m going out on a date, or if I’m teaching at an event, then I have to strategize cover-up. I’m pretty good at covering up blemishes, but makeup wears off. Makeup also causes more skin issues. And if I’m teaching at a festival, or staying at a stranger’s house, I need to ensure I’ll have access to a shower for post-makeup cleansing so that I can minimize the impact of the makeup on my skin.

It’s a lot to worry about, and this past summer, suddenly I didn’t have to worry about any of it. The entire texture of my skin changed. I used to have to shower daily to keep my skin basically stable; now, I could go a couple of days without showering if I were traveling or at a festival.

The Return

In September my prescription ran out, and my acne returned in force. I had managed to forget in three short months what it’s like to feel the low-level pain of the skin on my face. There’s no way to forget the blemishes; I feel them when I frown, when I smile, when I adjust my glasses. And with more blemishes, I experience more migraines.

I’m afraid to go outside again, to see people–to see people seeing me. To risk the look of disgust, or worse, have someone ask me if I’m ok or what happened to my face. Years ago I had a large blemish on my lower eyebrow/upper eyelid. It looked like I’d been punched in the eye. When my coworkers asked what had happened, I lied and said I’d been stung by a bee.

Why did I lie? Why did I panic? Why was acne somehow a worse reason than a bee sting?

I suppose it’s the implied stigma. A bee sting is an external event you couldn’t prevent, but acne is a part of you. I know I’ve tried just about every acne treatment out there and many just haven’t worked. It was a relief to learn that my hormonal imbalance from the PCOS is the culprit.

I’ve struggled with a number of body image issues between my weight and my acne. I’m still fat by the dominant culture’s standards, but I’ve gained significant self confidence. I eat a healthy diet, I’m strong, and I feel I’m a healthy weight for my frame. I don’t lack for lovers, and I’m finally at peace with the fact that not all men are attracted to curvy women. I’ve stopped taking it personally.

My skin, however, still causes me anxiety.

I took a big risk recently and went on a date where I didn’t put on makeup. It was the first time he’d seen me with visible acne. In any relationship, there’s always the stress barrier: at what point do I show them what I really look like without the cover-up? Will they be horrified? Disgusted? Will they run away?

And we can go back to the self-love platitudes all we want, but the fact is, people do judge one another on appearance. In a perfect world, I wouldn’t have to put on cover-up, I wouldn’t need to worry that people think I’m ugly because of a hormone condition I can’t control. In a perfect world, I’d also have easier access to medical treatment despite having a low income.

Anxiety and Self Esteem

What all of this has brought up for me is how much anxiety and worry I carry around with me, and how something so simple–a course of antibiotics–reduced that anxiety. One of my spiritual goals for the past year has been finding joy, and I got so much closer to actual happiness, actual joy, with clear skin!

I know I’ve reduced a tremendous amount of my anxiety/depression by working with my body image issues. I have tools to talk reduce the anxiety spiral that leads me to depression. But–and I can’t stress this enough–using those tools, those coping mechanisms, still takes energy. And it’s that energy-suck that is still a part of the anxiety/depression spiral. Sure, I can go out to a grocery store when my skin is bad…the question is, how much mental/emotional effort does that take? And where would that energy be better served?

If there’s anything that I’ve learned on the path of spiritual seeking it’s that our mind, body, and spirit are intertwined. That this path isn’t about transcending the body; that the body is a part of our work. And we have different challenges depending on our own physical bodies.

Leadership, Confidence, and Defensiveness

What does all of this have to do with leadership? Or even just with being a good community member? When we lack true self confidence, when we are afraid of being judged by others, when we have a poor self image and a poor sense of self, we humans have a few predictable reactions. We get defensive. Maybe someone tells me that an event I did sucked; that isn’t about my skin. But because I’m worried about my skin–it’s ever present–and I’ve got all that stress and anxiety bottled up from my lack of confidence in my body, I blow up at them. I lash out.

I’ve also found myself doing the other common response–covering up my fear and shame with arrogance. I’ve written in the past about my own struggles as a recovering know-it-all and perfectionist and control freak. All of those poorr leadership behaviors tie into how I was been bullied. I compensated for being told I was ugly by trying to be smarter, by trying to be right all the time. By running events that were “perfect,” by being a control-freak micromanager.

A wounded ego (ie, poor self image) will compensate with what I call a patch job. Arrogance is a really common patch job for the wound of shame.

The other response is just fear, plain and simple. Fear and shame and self loathing. Instead of developing an ego patch job, we just believe we’re worthless. Sometimes this can develop into a kind of paranoia where we’re convinced everyone’s out to get us. And if you’ve ever been part of a group where someone was constantly convinced that others were out to get them, you can see how that doesn’t really contribute to group health and trust.

Why Bother With Personal Work?

The reason I write about these deeply personal issues is simple; I’ve seen these things–when they go unexamined–destroy groups. I’ve written about this in my essay in the newly released Pagan Leadership Anthology, in my book The Leader Within.

Our personal issues come out within groups whether we’re a group member or group leader, and they can blow up groups. Our issues keep us from deeper spiritual work; we must look into the mirror and see where we’re causing our own problems for ourselves and our communities.

When we are carrying around shame, fear, and self loathing…we can cause harm to the groups we are part of, whether we’re trying to find a community to fit into as a spiritual seeker, or whether we’re stepping into the role of leader trying to serve our community.

I look back into my past and I cringe. I remember how defensive I’ve been, and when I felt like I was being attacked, when in fact it had far more to do with my own body image issues and fears, my anxiety, than with anything else. Yet, in noticing this, I can observe how it happens, and thus, I can work to change my response. I’ve continually worked to look in the mirror of shadow, to heal the wounds of my past and grow a healthier ego. I’ve learned tools to deal with my anxiety.

I’ve also worked the past years to get physically healthier in a number of ways and that’s had a tremendously positive impact on my life. I’m back on antibiotics, and I’m trying deal with the anxiety of the process to get health care this coming year.

Because I want to feel happy again; that’s a part of my own process of spiritual seeking, and it makes me a better leader. Having clear skin didn’t solve all my anxiety and depression, but it was like suddenly climbing a mountain and being able to drop a fifty pound bag I’d been carrying. So much of the fear, the pain, the shame, the defensiveness…it just wasn’t there.

Unasked-For Advice

This is more of an aside, but I’ve posted about various issues before…and I’ve specifically pointed out that I’m not looking for advice on how to deal with depression/acne/PCOS/whatever, yet I’ve still had comments pour in with well-meaning folks offering tips and advice. They usually start with, “Have you tried…” or “You know what I did that worked….”

What I’ve written above is pretty naked and vulnerable…I’m talking about things I think about when I’m alone, scared, and anxious. I’m not looking for any advice. But I know it’s most people’s auto-pilot to offer it.

Thus, I’ve written a post just about unsolicited advice on my PaganSquare blog that you might find useful.

Just Released!

Pagan Leadership Anthology: An Exploration of Leadership and Community in Paganism and Polytheism

Edited by Shauna Aura Knight & Taylor Ellwood

Pagan communities are evolving ; we find ourselves in dire need of healthy, ethical leaders. This anthology offers tools, techniques, and hands-on experience from over thirty Pagan authors, exploring topics of communication, conflict, bylaws, predators, personal work, and more to help you become a better leader and enrich your community. More details available here.