Be Good To Yourself

“Be gentle first with yourself if you wish to be gentle with others.”

-Lama Yeshe

My surgery was scheduled for January 7^th, but just a few days earlier, the hospital called and asked if I would come in to meet with them and have some pre-surgery testing. I was confused as I was told none was needed, and they would offer not explanation on the phone.

7 a.m. the next morning couldn’t come soon enough. “Well, Kristy, you know that you have a sinus cyst and that it is inching towards your brain. You have had several infections over the last few years?”

I quietly nodded.

“We need to do some heart tests to make sure that the infections haven’t done any damage to your heart. We will have you out of here in under an hour.”

As I was strapped to several machines, the doctors and nurses talked to me calm and lovingly, explaining things as they continued on. After the results were read, it was determined that my heart still had the same blockage it had since I was born, but nothing new, which was good.

“Is there any way I can cancel the surgery?” I asked hopeful. I had a lot on my calendar, many projects in the hopper and kids to cart to and fro, and even 4 days off seemed like eons.

The nurse looked me straight in the eye and flat out said, “No. You are very lucky that one of these infections didn’t go to your brain or your heart. No more chances.”

I don’t know how many people had asked me over the last couple years why I kept getting sick and why was I so vulnerable to bugs and germs, that it became an annoyance. I went to the doctor. I followed all the instructions that I was supposed to and yet all the doctors kept doing were throwing antibiotics at me. Constantly. And they had no answers, or motivation to figure it out either. My (new) doctor told me when he found out the cause that I would hate him for awhile after the surgery and then love him.

I sighed, gathered my paperwork up and walked to the reception area with the kind and straight forward nurse.

“You will do great, Kristy. Be brave.”

She gave me a hug and called in the next patient.

January 7^th, Chuck and I got up early and headed to the hospital, but not before my dad gave me a huge hug and kiss, and then another. “I love you very much,” he said, getting a little weepy.

“Hey, I am not dying. I will see you around 2 p.m,” I laughed, “I just won’t have dinner with me.”

My dad huffed and headed back to his basement apartment.

On the way, I text messaged the kids my I love you, while Chuck held my hand.

Instead of everything going fast paced, it all seemed to go very, very slowly and Chuck joked as I was strapped to an I.V. that I was going through phone withdrawals. I wasn’t. I was enjoying talking to him. Surgery was supposed to be at 9 a.m., but it wasn’t until a little before 11 a.m., supposed to take an hour and a half, with an hour in recovery. I will still be home by 2 p.m., I thought positively. I was joking with the surgery crew and as they took me to the operating room, the Anesthetist gave me the sleepy medicine and I felt the male nurse move my arms strap them down. I laughed and said, “I haven’t read Fifty Shades of Grey, but is this in it?” I heard the staff laugh and I woke up over three hours later in the recovery room.

“Things were a bit more complex,” I heard Chuck say, as he leaned in to me. He went on to explain that I had two cysts, one near my brain, and they had to break and re-set my nose and widen my sinus canals in my cheek and instead of a 4 day recovery, it was more like an 8 week recovery. “Remember, you are brave.”

I didn’t get home till almost 6:00 p.m., my dad worried sick. I had an allergic reaction and they were contemplating keeping me overnight, but decided to give me a shot of pain killer and release me.

I would be a liar if I said I hadn’t gone through a gambit of emotion, from anger, sadness, self-pity, to just wanting a hug. On Facebook I was told everything from that I would live, to just get over myself (and then a lot of nice things too). I had text messages from friends and clients complaining about their dirty laundry to a splinter in their finger and other things that I felt minuscule to what I was experiencing, with no, “And how are you, Kristy?” I wanted to throw my phone. And then I received a text message from a best friend that her husband had a heart attack and my self pity left. “This is nothing. And I am brave enough to recover…” And then I heard my Guides chime in…

Kristy, you are brave, but you are human. You are allowed to hurt. You are allowed to be afraid, and you are even allowed to whine and have self-pity. You are human. Yes, you are brave, but you have to be good to yourself and stop apologizing for being human.

We put so much pressure on ourselves, don’t we? And that goes for putting a lot of pressure on others to do and say exactly what we think they should. It’s just never good enough. It can always be better, and yet with that mentality there is no healing for you or others, it is just noise. The band Journey said it best in their song entitled (of course), “Be Good To Yourself”.

Runnin’ out of self-control
Gettin’ close to an overload
Up against a no win situation
Shoulder to shoulder, push and shove
I’m hangin’ up my boxin’ gloves
I’m ready for a long vacation

Be good to yourself when, nobody else will
Oh be good to yourself
You’re walkin’ a high wire, caught in a cross fire
Oh be good to yourself
When you can’t give no more
They want it all but you gotta say no

I’m turnin’ off the noise that makes me crazy
Lookin’ back with no regrets
To forgive is to forget
I want a little piece of mind to turn to

Be good to yourself when, nobody else will

I’m thankful my friend’s husband had surgery and is doing well. I am thankful that I am recovering and will better than new. Each day I look at the positives, the roses and not the thorns.

So if you find yourself burned out and feeling like throwing in the towel, whether the cause be from your career, friendships or relationships, or you might be feeling guilty because everything is going right in your life, it is your sign to turn off the noise and spend some me time and learn to celebrate YOU. Before you know it, you can get back in the game stronger and braver than before. And never, ever, let your past take away your present.