I’m Too Much

I’m Too Much December 3, 2021

The Christmas music was playing, the wine glasses full, and the card games in full swing. I was only three years old. I was likely over-tired and over-sensitized by the sights, sounds, smells, and the anxious wait for Santa to come the next morning. I apparently threw a tantrum about something, and my uncle yelled at my mom that I was too needy and too spoiled. He said that I was a lot. I was only three years old, after all, but my mom would remind me of that Christmas Eve argument often, rubbing it in my face.

You are too needy.
You are a lot.

The truth is, I’m not needy nor am I a lot. The truth is, I know what I want, and I go after it. I want what I want, and I seek it out. I’ve always kept possibilities open on how it might come, trusting that somehow, someway, it would be okay. I’ve never been afraid to jump in when I needed to. Maybe that has been a fault of mine because I don’t always have A-Z figured out, but I’ve always had this limitless faith.

Shots were fired on my street. My mom was blind, and she was scared. My dad was working midnights. I was only 17 years old, and I called 911. Nobody came. The next morning, in the light of day, my street looked like a warzone with empty casings, passed out partiers (one of which was completely unconscious on my porch), and empty liquor bottles. I called 911 again. Nobody came. I got into my car and marched my way to our local precinct, demanding to talk to someone and for them to follow me home. My dad was horrified when he saw the police behind me in the driveway. And he was horrified again when on Monday morning law enforcement showed up at our door and asked for a meeting with *me*. He thought I was in trouble. I wasn’t. I knew what I wanted, and I trusted that somehow, someway, it would be okay. I worked together with law enforcement on a Neighborhood Watch program and a pilot program with our local precinct. My neighborhood stayed quiet for several years, and then I moved, and then my parents had to move.

I wasn’t being needy. I wasn’t being too much. I knew what I wanted, and I went after it.

I’ve been in relationships and friendships with those who accused me of being too much. I began to lose pieces of me. I started to believe them, and I let them break me. Then I realized that the more broken I was, the more I was miserable, and the more they were happy. It meant they weren’t my people.

You aren’t too much for other people either. You aren’t too much. You aren’t needy. They just aren’t your people, your job, your circumstances, etc.

If someone asks you what you want to drink and you say water, and the person hands you prune juice, do you pretend it is water, do you say nothing, or do you ask for water instead? Some of you will pretend it is water even though you hate prune juice. Some of you have grown from your brokenness and get up and get your own water because you know you aren’t too much. You want what you want, and you will go after it.

In the early morning light of Saturday, we welcome in a New Moon. It’s the energy of possibilities. It reminds you that emotions aren’t bad. It teaches you that you are not too much. You are enough. It screams for you to stop writing heartbreak into your story. You deserve amazing things. It lectures you to stop torturing yourself. It hugs you and says it’s okay to be broken as long as you are working on it, and to go after what you want without apology.


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