Some time ago, when I was talking to someone, I mentioned that my dad and grandfathers had it rough, one of them had to walk in the snow with sandals, my dad slept in the street, and so on. I was walking while it was snowing, and they offered me a ride, but I said I was okay, but they said something that I’ve been thinking about: “just because they did it, doesn’t mean you have to”. I’ve been wondering, could that also be part of the family trauma? Could that be something I need to heal? The answer for both is yes.
It’s a Rights Thing
I got a lot of things from my family, learned many more, and in the process I’ve also been discovering who I am. I’ve learned that I’m not the same, not exactly, as they were. Coming from a family of immigrants, preserving our culture and roots is a must, no matter how much we adapt and learn to love the land we’re at. However, it doesn’t mean that we need to do things just as those who came before.
When I was talking with this person, the idea made me uncomfortable because I’m shy and didn’t want to make them get out while snowing, with a broken leg, just to take me somewhere. But I also thought that, if my relatives did this or that, it would be okay for me to do it, that I wasn’t any less strong or resistant, or whatever else.
I offer water and light a candle for my blood ancestors every day, I remember their stories, recite their names when I need strength, but my practice goes beyond that. Honoring the ancestors means that, just because they did something in a certain way, doesn’t mean we have to do the same. They had the right to do things their way, and we have ours.
Healing is also part of my honoring practice. I was taught to do things one way, and respecting that while also relearning, honoring myself, is part of the healing process. My relatives didn’t get excited when I told them I wanted to be a writer, don’t understand why I like the music I like, why I read the kind of books I read, and initially were reluctant about my Witchcraft practice, but they’ve come to understand it and appreciate it. They don’t know everything I do, but what they know, they’ve learned to accept it.
When Identity Becomes a Problem
I’ve come to appreciate what they’ve done as well, learn from them, understand why they did it like that at that particular time, why they think the way they do, which is not to say I find it okay that most think the same way their grandparents did in certain topics, but I can see where that begins. I can also see when that becomes a problem.
While it’s true that our identity is something paramount, it shouldn’t prevent anyone from evolving, learning new things, accepting that some ideas are outdated, that there are better ways to do it. I’ve seen it in my uncles, my aunts, even in some cousins younger than me. The ideas of our ancestors are so ingrained they fail to see the world has changed.
Honoring my ancestor means that I learn to respect that, that they want to stay in that mindset, and that it is not my responsibility to show how and why some of their ideas are wrong. My responsibility is with myself, healing myself, and sharing what I’ve learned with those who want to heal, and setting the limits, cut the conversation if it’s going nowhere, and get back to my things. Being a healer means you heal yourself and those who want your help to heal themselves.
My family is my alpha and omega, my beginning and end, but I’m not defined by them, the dead or the alive. I believe this is a struggle for some descendants of immigrants, finding their own identity while also staying loyal to who they are and come from. I’ve come to accept that loving them doesn’t mean I need to be the same as them. I can’t do it, and they can’t force me into it. Loving them is accepting they’re human, learning what I can, and try to do better.
Ad-Free & Subscriber Log-In