It’s been a long time since I last wrote here, and I finally realized why. Writing is an isolating job, just as it should be for me, but it doesn’t mean the whole experience must be. I was struggling so much because I felt I was not part of a community, that I didn’t belong.

Why do we Even Write?

Writing is by far my most stable spiritual practice, and I have no plans of altering that. However, there has been something missing in it while writing as Bader (if you didn’t know, Bader is my nom-de-plume). I felt so alone that there was little to no meaning to my writing.

Yes, we writers write for ourselves and about the things we care about the most, but if there’s not a community, if there’s not someone who cares about it, then it takes a toll on the motivation. The reason is that there’s a lot of unpacking and emotional work while writing. You are putting yourself out there, and it’s scary. I can’t share anything about my writing until it’s ready because then it doesn’t feel right to keep working on it anymore. It doesn’t feel unfished, but the opposite.

All of this is exhausting. I’m sure many will know what I’m talking about.

A Practice and a Responsibility

However, I also realized something. If writing is a devotional practice for me, then it is also my responsibility to do it more often (Go ahead, you can say it. No sh*t, Sherlock). Writing gives me community as well. It is also my instant altar to the divine, it’s one of the activities I can do that takes me instantly closer to it, to my ancestors, my guides, and any other spirit or entity I decide to work with.

As such, I’ve been thinking about all my issues, problems, and insecurities as Bader. Another one is that I am an insufferable perfectionist, and I want to do the best I can before sharing it. Because it can always be better, can’t it? You can always tweak this a bit more, maybe there’s a comma or a semi-colon that should or shouldn’t be there. Maybe there’s a detail you overlooked.

It. Does. Not. Matter.

It’s Showing

I have to repeat that to myself over and over again. I need to remember that I am not some AI that can polish eternally (not to mention, that the quality of the results is… questionable… at best). Goes without saying that I try not to aim at perfection, but honesty. That’s exactly what I want to do here. I want to be crystal clear about all those manias and ticks and things that would drive anyone crazy, but that seem to drive me in the right direction of sorts. Do they? I want to believe so.

From now on, I’m trying to focus on that. Focus on the communities I’m already part of. There are two groups that I’m thankful for because they have kept me interested, and engaged, even if I disappear from the internet for long periods. I am meeting so many wonderful people that I feel the need to do this again, and again, and again. I didn’t feel this motivated since I started this blog, and it’s showing already. Just today, as I write this, I’ve finished two other pieces of writing that have been waiting for weeks.

I’m already taking some measures to ensure I stay like this for longer so I can be more disciplined, but I didn’t want to end this entry without saying thanks to all of you. I mean it. There is always something missing, there’s always something that I need, and I get it when I read the comments, or see the likes. When I know I’m not alone, that I’m part of a community, it feels like it is worth the work, the exhaustion, and the vulnerability.

So thank you for keeping me grounded.