Am I Enough?

Last Wednesday at prayer meeting my Pastor started his sermon with saying we should start our services how A.A. meetings start. He proceeded with, “Hi, my name is Kim Beckham and I’m addicted to…”. My apologies, I can’t remember what he said, but I remember the picture it painted for me very vividly. Several of my brothers and sisters in Christ stood and stated their name and what their “addiction” was, and what they struggle with; in that moment they were no longer wearing a mask and they became real to me. We get so caught up in saying, “I’m fine”, that often times people don’t realize that everyone around them is struggling too.

Sadly, I didn’t stand and confess my addiction, not because I didn’t want to but I was scared to and couldn’t think of what to say in a precise manner quick enough. After the meeting, I knew what I would say if given the opportunity. So, here on a different platform, in front of a different audience, I stand before you, if you will play along, “Hi, my name is Kim Hardy and my addiction is acceptance.” I fear I’m not enough. I’m not good enough… as a wife, mom, daughter, friend, teacher or coach. Often times I’m frozen by the fear of what others think. I usually believe they think I’m not doing a good enough job. Those thoughts are of course mine, not theirs, because I can’t possibly know what someone else is thinking. My thoughts need to change and focus on things that are pure and from God. The reality is, I’m not good enough, for the Bible says we all fall short. Now, to not cause you to worry, I know where my strength comes from, it’s the Lord. Keep reading, I promise this isn’t a poor pitiful me party.
I just finished reading the first chapter of Jennie Allen’s new book, Nothing To Prove, and it spoke to my heart, so much so it broke my writer’s block. Jennie spoke of her feeling as if she’s not enough and it surprised me because in my eyes she is a successful woman. I want to share her last few paragraphs and hopefully those of you who share this addiction will feel how I felt after reading it.

“My dream is that you would embrace your worst fears head on and find that our God is enough for them. My prayer is for you to start enjoying the freedom that comes when we quit trying to prove ourselves, when we surrender what is out of control to the One who is in control.

We strive to be seen, to be known, to matter. We’re desperate to believe we are doing a good job at whatever has been entrusted to us.

But we are not enough. We are not God. We don’t have all the answers, all the wisdom, all the strength, all the energy. We are finite, sinful beings. And that is okay.”

As I struggle with my addiction of being accepted and knowing that it’s tied to being enough, it is freeing to remember that my God is enough. All I have to do is rely on Him and though I know that I won’t be accepted by everyone, nor should I be, and the same goes for being enough, I have freedom and peace that my God loves me. He has accepted me as his child and the blood of Jesus washes me clean so that I am enough. This life is hard, and just when you think you’ve figured it out, you realize just how clueless you truly are.

Hi, my name is Kim Hardy and I struggle with being accepted and being enough. Jennie Allen is right, “Enough is a mirage that cannot be caught.” I needed this reminder today, and I pray it helps you too. Until next time remember, “For God has not given us a spirit of fearfulness, but one of power, love, and sound judgment.” (2 Timothy 1:7)