What to Do (and Not Do) When You and Your Spouse Aren’t Getting Along

4. When you and your spouse are at a standstill, and you can’t seem to resolve the disagreement…

DON’T: Call your Mom or Dad.

This may be a habit for many of you, but this is dangerous territory. No matter how much our parents love our spouse, it is very hard for them to not have a skewed perspective that is perpetually in our favor. Also, it’s unhealthy to place our parent’s opinion or advice ahead of our spouse’s. When we marry, we are “one” with our spouse, and we form our own separate family unit. When we constantly bring our parents into any disagreement we may have with our partners, we are failing to “leave and cleave” (Genesis). Sure, we value our parent’s advice, but we don’t need to tell Mom and Dad all the details of our arguments or all the things we don’t like about our spouse.

DO: Call an accountability partner or counselor.

It’s hard for our family to see past our personal perspective of an argument, but a counselor or accountability partner can be more objective. If we constantly argue with our spouse, then we really need to see a professional counselor. It is not healthy to live in consistent disagreement, and a counselor is trained to help couples learn the tools necessary to create peaceful home. If we have the occasional argument that we just can’t resolve, an accountability partner is extremely useful. This could be a friend that shares your values and desire to maintain a strong marriage. The accountability partner must be of our same gender and not part of our immediate family (i.e. Mom, Dad, sibling). As accountability partners, the two of you will check in weekly and talk through some of the problems you are facing in your marriage. In order for this to work, we have to be able to share the truth “in love” and not just tell our accountability partner what he/she wants to hear. We are supposed to encourage him/her to communicate freely, put pride aside, and keep the marriage strong.