Dear American Friends:
I have been authorized by the Canadian Ministry Of Long-Term Planning to reveal to you, on the occasion of our 150th birthday as a nation, that the long-term (but secret) invasion and occupation of your country by ours is now complete. Like any good covert operation, this likely will come as a complete surprise to you. Allow me to explain.
Things have been pretty peaceful between us since the War of 1812 was resolved — and by the way, sorry about burning down the White House. It won’t happen again. Since then, we’ve been pretty good buddies, and we’ve joined in on pretty much all of your wars… both the good ones (World War II) and the bad ones (World War I) and the questionable ones (Korea).
(A note on Canadian/American military co-operation: most Canadians will proudly note that we were in it against Hitler before you guys were, but don’t expect us to volunteer that most of the uranium for The Manhattan Project, Hiroshima, and Nagasaki came from Canada. We can pick and choose the things we take pride in as much as anyone, okay?)
We shared the world’s longest unguarded border and we’re each other’s biggest trading partners. So why on Earth would we invade and occupy you? How did this even happen? And why didn’t you hear anything about this on TV?
Actually: you did see this on TV, and in your movies, and it’s been slowly happening for decades right in front of your eyes.
We know you like heroes, so we gave you Wolverine (Canadian) and Deadpool (a Canadian played by a Canadian actor, no less), and a Canadian co-created Superman… so if you don’t like the idea of having been occupied, you shouldn’t call them for help. If you planned on having a daring Space Captain rescue you, save it: Captain Kirk, the original Commander Adama (and over half the cast of the Battlestar Galactica remake), Commander Adams (from Forbidden Planet) and Mal from Firefly were all played by Canadian actors. See? Doesn’t that compensate at least a little for Justin Bieber and Celine Dion?
Our invasion and occupation of America would make for an epic adventure movie directed by James Cameron (or perhaps a horror movie directed by David Cronenberg), perhaps starring Ryan Gosling, Ryan Reynolds, Ellen Page, Kim Cattrall, Jim Carrey, Rachel McAdams, Michael Cera, Michael J. Fox, Neve Campbell, Tommy Chong, Elisha Cuthbert, Seth Rogen, Tatiana Maslany, Howie Mandel, and Pamela Anderson — maybe with a soundtrack featuring Drake, Neil Young, Nelly Furtado, Deadmau5, Rush and Steppenwolf. Do I really have to tell you at this point that all of the above are Canadian?
True story: by population, Canada’s fourth largest city is Los Angeles.
So yes, America: we invaded and occupied your dreams, but we did it for your own good as well as ours. We have a saying here: “when America sneezes, Canada catches a cold.” So, just as you would when you perceive a threat, we reacted. But instead of troops and cruise missiles, we took a page from Sun Tzu and invaded your mindset instead. And — lucky you! — we’re polite enough to do it gently, with humor, irony, and subtlety (remind me to explain “irony” to y’all later). We’re not going to tell you how to live you lives or run your government or who or what to pray to. We want the best for you, because that’s the best for all of us. Please carry on with your daily lives as usual, and we won’t get in your way or push you around or preach. We will continue to hope for the best for everyone, everywhere. We’ll continue to welcome immigrants and refugees in recognition of the fact that having such ballsy people as members of our team is a gift, not a threat. We’ll keep on recognizing that a neighbor’s loss is not our gain.
We spend four months a year inside, because Nature is trying to kill us, so we’ve had time to think about these things. We’re happy to share that wisdom with you.
But hey, you know what, buddy? Any time you want some advice on how to be kinder and gentler and less afraid of strangers and make sure everyone has health care and you want to reduce the odds of being killed in a mass shooting? We’re here for you, eh?