Ephesians says, “Be angry but do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger.” More easily said than done! How can you cope with anger?
Does watching the news make you angry? It should—anger is a natural response to injustice and harm. For example, millions of peaceful demonstrators at the recent No Kings rallies allowed their anger at Trump’s lawbreaking to motivate them to a positive protest. Yet, others permitted their emotions to turn to violence (see here and here). What’s the difference between those who release anger in unhealthy ways and those who turn it into something constructive?
Proverbs 29:11 says, “A fool gives full vent to anger, but the wise quietly holds it back.” The difference between these two kinds of people is that some have learned healthy coping mechanisms and others have not. So, is there a way to be angry without that anger becoming sin?
Anger in the Book of Esther
Years ago, I was preparing a sermon on anger, based on the book of Esther. (If you’ve never read the book, I suggest you sit down and read it all at once. It’s a quick read and well worth it.)
In the narrative, King Ahasuerus demonstrates problems with anger, as evidenced by his spur-of-the-moment divorce as a result of Queen Vashti’s understandable disobedience. Court official Haman also displays anger issues, as we can see from his plot to destroy the entire Jewish population. But while these characters represent a spirit of rage, Esther demonstrates the virtue that combats it: patience. Patience enables us to defeat anger before it turns into a bigger problem.
A Coping Saw
As I was preparing the sermon, I prayed that God would give me something to share with people who are desperately trying to cope with their anger. That night, before I went to sleep, I prayed, “Lord, give me a tool that will help people cope.” I slept restlessly, as words and pictures drifted through my head. Then I sat up with just the coping tool that we needed: A COPING SAW!
Coping with Anger
For those of you who don’t know, a coping saw is a precision-cutting saw that rounds corners and can cut odd angles like a jigsaw. A coping saw allows you to cut without too many mistakes. If you want to cope with your anger and avoid making mistakes, use a coping S.A.W.
S: Separate yourself from the source of your anger.
If you find you’re getting too heated while working on a difficult project, you may need to walk away for a while. Just a moment ago, I took a break from the ceiling fan I’m trying to install with my father-in-law. He had an errand to run, and I needed to cool down so I didn’t lose my composure. I’ll get back to that project later, when I have a calmer head.
In Esther’s story, the Jewish people struggled in an oppressive situation. Sometimes, to solve a problem, the solution needs to be found by someone who doesn’t live in the middle of that problem. Because Esther was lifted out of the problematic circumstance and allowed to rest in a spa-like environment, well cared-for and surrounded by palace guards, she was able to exercise the mental energy to figure out a solution. Often, when you separate yourself from the source of your anger, you can find the breathing space to think your way through it.
A: Ask for help.
Esther asked for help from her relative Mordecai and from all the Jewish people. She asked Mordecai for advice and asked the people to fast and pray with her. Then she asked for help from God. When you get in a place of anger, separate yourself and ask for help. God will provide what you need.
In my case, I know that DIY home projects get my blood boiling. So, I didn’t just ask myself, “Who’s the person I know with the knowledge to do the job?” I also said, “In addition to the skills, who has the calming presence I’ll require to teach me how to do this and keep my blood pressure down while doing so?” So, I asked my wife’s father, who has not just the know-how to do the job right, but also the mojo to keep me reassured. When you find yourself over your head, don’t be afraid to ask for help from someone who can assist, not just with the problem, but also with your attitude.
W: Wait for the right moment.
Esther could have charged in to do the right thing at the wrong time. Don’t let your anger make you impetuous. Proverbs 14:29 says, “Whoever is patient has great understanding, but one who is quick-tempered displays folly.” Esther practiced that kind of patience. Sometimes injustice and wrong make us angry. But when you find yourself getting hot under the collar, ask for the patience of Esther rather than seeking the wrath of Ahasuerus and Haman. As Haman found out, our anger can be our undoing.
In my situation, I knew that I would get even more frustrated if I got into a project that should have taken a short time, and it stretched into a longer ordeal. (That’s usually the case with these kinds of tasks for me.) So, I waited until the right time—a civic holiday when I had the day off, but not a family holiday full of activities. My wife is at work, and my father-in-law and I have the whole day to accomplish this goal. So, by practicing patience and scheduling it for the right day, we can minimize the stress. And my father-in-law’s daughter can turn on a nice new ceiling fan when she gets home.
Remember to Use Your Coping S.A.W.
Sometimes, it’s right to get angry. Esther became justifiably enraged at the genocide perpetrated against her people. But, instead of venting her fury in an uncontrolled reaction, she maintained self-control and acted with intention. In the same way, those who embrace patience and wisdom while politically demonstrating show that they have not become like the very hate that they oppose. On this larger, political scale, it’s important to use your S.A.W.
And, on a more personal level, when you remember to use your coping S.A.W., you find everyday tasks less frustrating. You may even find them enjoyable as you cherish the moments you have with the helpers in your life. So, when you’re angry, remember to separate yourself from the situation, ask for help, and wait for the time to be right.
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