Asking for Help

A couple of weeks ago, we were having a great discussion about burnout, both with respect to the parents and the children in our families. Many of you made some very thoughtful comments, and I appreciated everyone’s honest and encouraging words.

One of the comments that struck a particular chord with me was written by Juris Mater, regarding hiring help for Mom:

“I have said this before, but I don’t think that hiring help should be an upperclass privilege. I think that setting money aside to hire help for mom is possibly the second most important financial commitment to tithing that a family can make. Tithing is a matter of obedience and abandonment, for the soul of the family. Hiring help for mom is a matter of keeping the heart of the family healthy and thriving.”

Right on, Juris Mater! My husband will be the first person to tell you that I have a hard time asking for help, but I think that I have gotten much better with the addition of each child to our family, out of sheer necessity and through the example of wise mothers whom I respect greatly. After our newest baby was born just four months ago, I realized that I was going to need some help cleaning the house, and it was absolutely wonderful to not worry about those responsibilities for the first couple of months! Now, I have hired a wonderful woman to help me with the children a couple of times a week so that I can clean the house (yes, that’s how much I need a break from my kids!) and run other errands, sometimes with the baby but always without the older children. It’s been great so far. It takes some careful planning on my part, and it took some thought in terms of finding the person who was a good fit for our family, but I think that it has been a great decision so far. Also, I have hired a “mother’s helper” to help me at the pool with my toddler, so that I can tend to the baby and watch my 6 year-old. My mother’s helper is only 10 years old, but she is very attentive and only charges $2 an hour – what could be better!

I am pretty confident that taking action and asking for help with my children has benefited not only me, but also those around me. My husband is relieved knowing that I am getting a break from the children a couple of times a week, so if he has an especially tough week at work and isn’t as available to help, at least he knows that I’m not depending solely on him for a break. It also leaves us more time on the weekends to enjoy time together as a family when I can get chores done during the week. I also think that my friends and close neighbors are relieved to know that I have some help: they see the day-to-day stressors on our family, and have commented that they feel badly that they can’t be more helpful to me. Everyone is busy with their own lives, and it can be hard to integrate another family’s needs into the fabric of another family’s life. Although we might rely on neighbors and close friends to help us out when we are in crisis mode (i.e. a child has to be taken to the emergency room or there has been a death in the family), I do believe that we shouldn’t assume that friends who seem “less busy” will be able to take on the responsibility of caring for our children on a regular basis.

In any case, I am writing this post to encourage all of you stay-at-home mothers out there to ask for help when you need a break. It’s perfectly acceptable to need some time away from the children, even if only for a couple of hours a week. I think that it’s also healthy for children to see that mommy has things that she needs to go and do on her own – children like knowing that their parents have interests that don’t relate directly to them, and it can broaden the scope of the entire family’s perspective. Even if all that you can afford is a gym membership that offers good quality childcare, at least the children will see that mommy exercises for her own health and well-being.

God bless all of you today! Mary, Mother of Good Counsel, pray for us!