Wedding Hosts

On Saturday night, we had the privilege of attending a beautiful wedding.  While Juris Mater described it as a celebrity wedding a while back, it was everything most modern weddings are not.  It was heavily focused on the tradition and beauty of the wedding ceremony, and light on the pomp and circumstance at the reception.  Nothing was forced or fake in the demeanor of the bride and groom.  Not an ounce of self-indulgence was present in any aspect of the day.  While the location was beautiful and grand, the party was intimate and casual.  The blessing of children was a theme for the day, mentioned in the toasts and demonstrated by the admiring glances toward the two charming infant guests at the reception.  I left with a deep sense of admiration for the couple, a joy at their future together, and hope that even amidst a culture obsessed with materialism and image, a wedding could be both elegant and real.  It was their first day as a married couple and a new family, and the couple and those at the wedding never seemed to lose sight of that reality.

Since becoming a mother, my perspective on weddings has changed a bit.  The weddings of friends were formerly an opportunity to celebrate the love of a great couple, and a time to see some old friends.  I was always very focused on what the bride wanted and how it was “her day.”  I worked my tail off as a bridesmaid to help make sure every detail of the bride’s day was perfect.  In pre-wedding chatter I heard brides and mothers of the brides and well-meaning friends talk about how it was “their day” and the bride and couple both could do and should do whatever they wanted.  While these comments were often made with reasonable limitations in mind, for example choosing pink or white flowers, there were many times the comments were made to excuse unreasonable choices and expectations.  The “her day” comments highlight and encourage a bridal mentality of stardom.

Brides and grooms are not celebrities and stars, they are hosts.  The bride and groom are hosting their closest family and friends in a celebration of their love as they begin a new family.  The modern wedding seems to have lost sight of this reality, and as a result, the culture excuses almost any choice of the bride and groom, including choices that inconvenience guests and create a culture that is actually hostile to family life.  Take, for example, decisions to exclude nursing infants from weddings.  I thought this choice by a Catholic couple absurd when we encountered it several years ago, but B-Mama and her sweet baby MG were recently the victim of a similar decision at a family wedding.  Brides asking guests to come to a wedding without their nursing infant, or even worse, asking guests to travel large distances and then leave babies in the care of hotel childcare services is just plain rude.  These are the choices of a couple seeking stardom, not a couple practicing hospitality.

I was an ignorant bride myself back in the day.   I remember inviting my cousin to attend my wedding, and then sitting idly by as a “no child” wedding policy forced my poor cousin to leave her young children (ages 3 and 5) in a hotel room while she and her husband attended my wedding.  We did provide them with child care from our church, but I’m still embarrassed.

Sadly, I was very ignorant about the realities and day to day sacrifices of parenthood.  Just months away from the married vocation, I was clueless.  Mr. Red and I were both the eldest of 3 children, spaced 2 year apart.  I was 4 when my youngest sister was born, and that about sums up my experience with young children.  Considering that I was about to enter into a vocation where I would spend the majority of my time nurturing and raising children, it is pretty unsettling how little I knew about the day to day realities and sacrifices of parenthood.  The Church, and our Catholic culture, need to do a better job at educating young couples in this area.  The family is obviously a great start, but not everyone can rely upon their mother or mother-in-law.  I’m not sure there is an easy answer, but maybe discussing basic parenting realities in pre-cana is a good start.  After all, these couples are about to get married, and a simple reminder that they are starting a new family, and their wedding celebration should reflect that fact, would be a great start.

I’m sure despite our best efforts as a Church, we will not defeat all the bridezillas.  Sadly, there will continue to be weddings that are unfriendly towards guests, especially guests with babies and families.  But we can celebrate those weddings that do not adopt the modern mindset–weddings where everyone is at ease, the guests are treated with respect and love, and the bride and groom throw a party that captures their personalities and highlights their love.  And that’s the type of wedding we attended Saturday night.  Praise God for this great couple, and for a wonderful evening!

I’m hoping B-Mama will add some pictures as I forgot to replace my camera battery.  In honor of the absent JM, I did get this one shot on our walk to the ceremony.