Why Anger is (usually) Counter-productive

Good Tuesday morning, dear friends!

Over the past week or so, I have been reflecting on the feeling of anger that we, as parents, can so often feel towards our children. Perhaps we feel angry when they repeatedly disobey our instructions, forget their simple chores, act uncharitably towards their siblings, or make a big mess when we’ve just cleaned the house. All of these scenarios are frustrating, and because we are human we are often prone to feelings of anger.

However, I’d like to propose to you this morning that showing this anger to our children is most often counter-productive. The reason is quite simple: When we show anger towards our children by raising our voice and using exaggerated words, our children will immediately focus on our intense emotions and will react defensively to those emotions. In an instant, the focus has shifted from what they have done wrong to the anger that we are expressing, and they will put up barriers to defend themselves against our attack. All rational thought goes out the window, and any hope we may have had of our children learning a lesson from their mistake has vanished as well. Suddenly, mom is the bad guy and the wrong has been forgotten in the child’s mind. “I won’t let her hurt me” or “She’s so mean!” are the words that the child is thinking, not “What did I just do wrong?” or “Oh, I feel really badly that I made mom so mad.”

On the other hand, if we act firmly but calmly, keeping the focus on what our child has done wrong rather than on our reaction to what our child has done wrong, we have a fighting chance of letting our children learn from their mistakes. They will not be able to latch on to our emotions or words, but rather will be forced to focus on their own actions. We can no longer be the “bad guy,” and hopefully, with the proper consequences that are consistent and fair, the child’s behavior will begin to shift.

So, while anger will sometimes be warranted (remember Jesus in the temple), it should be the exception rather than the rule in our families. What are your thoughts on this subject? We’d love to hear from you!