The Secret That Might Be Destroying Your Marriage

[Title Photo Attribution: Original Photo Source: CC 2.0]

A few days ago (October 6th, 2014) the United States Supreme Court decided not hear a number of appeals on the banning of gay marriage. Many view this as a strategic move for the legalization of same-sex marriage. This decision to do nothing, basically, lifts the ban on gay marriage in 11 more states and (if nothing changes), in time, sets things up for it to become legal in all states.

Understandably, this has many conservatives upset and has some Christians feeling that the Godly institution of marriage, is under fire like never before. In many ways they are right.  The institution of marriage is being challenged and constantly redefined, at least in a legal sense. But, despite the evolving conversation, same-sex marriage is not the biggest threat to your marriage or even the institution of marriage in general. The biggest threat is something more secret and more much damaging.

Dr. James Dobson, founder of Focus on the Family, once said that, gay marriage will “destroy the earth.” But if you ask me he should have said that about sexual addictions. Pornography is significantly more dangerous to society, Christianity, and the institution of marriage. It’s silently undermining and destroying the foundations of marriages all around us. It’s happening right now behind the doors of your church and, sadly, few are having real conversations about it.

If the stats are true, and I think they are, then approximately half of the men in your church are addicted to pornography. Notice, I didn’t say struggle. I said addicted.  That is a massive number! And with the boldness of the pornography industry growing, why would think that the fight is going to get easier? Consider the giant adthe porn industry recently put in Time Square. The battle is not getting easier, it’s intensifying.

Once of the big problems in this fight, is that the church has made sexual discussion, like pornography, a difficult subject to talk about. Its awkward and, often, embarrassing. Perhaps, this is because it hits too close to home for many. Church leaders need to be more open and honest in the pulpit about sexual addictions. We need more than just casual references from time-to-time. We need some serious, and honest, engagement.

Pornography, a form of adultery, it’s often a secret sin. It festers below the surface, like a cancer. Its black nature spreads its roots deep into the heart of the user. It causes all kinds of sexuality warping and confusion. The ebbs and flows of sexual addictions are eroding the pillars of our marriages and too often we don’t recognize it.

As a father, it terrifies me to think what the world will be like when my 3 year old son becomes a teenager. He is going to have to face a battle like I never did. Sex is everywhere and it’s relentless. We, as a church, have get smarter in how we attack this.

To be clear, this is not just a conversation for men. The same study, referenced above, says that 20 percent of Christian women are are addicted to pornography and 50% struggle with it. The numbers should be staggering to you.

The church needs to pray hard, and often, about how we lovingly engage with each other about pornography and the changing culture around us. I think historically Christians have done a poor job at this. We were completely unprepared for what the internet age would throw at us.

Perhaps, we can start by asking better questions to one another. For example, instead of  something silly and cheesy like, “How is your walk going?” Instead try something direct like, “Have you viewed pornography this week?” or “Are you lying about pornography usage?”

That being said, we need to remember this is a VERY sensitive issue to a lot of people. There are marriages falling apart around us right now. We need to be aware of those people and find ways to love them. A brash conversation about pornography, while often good, can be hurtful depending on the circumstances. Point these people towards Jesus. There is healing.

Thankfully, there are number of ministries that have popped up on the years to help people overcome addiction. There are tools and content out there to help people recover from pornography and other sexual addictions.  I would encourage to visit one of the following sites and, at least, be aware of whats out there. Many offer internet filters, apps, and browsers that send a report to accountability partners.

www.covenanteyes.com
www.xxxchurch.com
www.celebraterecovery.com

I know there someone reading this that is thinking something like, “I don’t need that, I just won’t look at it again”. If this is you; stop lying to yourself. You do need it.  Has that plan ever worked before? No, it hasn’t. You wouldn’t be having that conversation in your head if it had.

There might be someone else who is embarrassed about having a porn filter. Don’t be. This is your marriage. This is the spouse God has given for you to die for. it’s worth the sacrifice. That goes for single people too; starting fight now so it’s not problem when you do get married.

Often, when Christians engage in conversations about subjects like gay marriage they will quote Romans 1 as a place where the bible describes the impending wrath on homosexuals. The problem with that is that the passage is not just about homosexuals; it’s about humanity as a whole. We are all spiritually starting out from the same place, dead. If the statistics on pornography mean anything, it means that we are all in desperate need of grace and forgiveness. Sexual addictions are real and dangerous. This is true regardless of our sexual preferences.

You are in a war. Don’t be another statistic. Start talking.