Frequently Searched Questions: I’m so Afraid of a Romney Presidency

The following are actual search terms people typed into Google (Yahoo?) which directed them to CaPC. In most cases they didn’t find the answer they were looking for on our site. FSQ is an attempt to remedy this problem by answering some of the most (de)pressing questions sent to us through search terms.

This week, the theme is Sex, and it is rated SoS (Song of Solomon, or Song of Songs if you’re one of those people) for figurative and possibly irrelevant references to vaguely sexual acts.

Q 1. “Should christians play minecraft?”

Not if they can help it. Mindcraft? Witchcraft? Christians should not practice witchcraft. Best play it safe.

Q 2. “What does John MacArthur say about Tattoos?”

Tat’s cool, bro.

Q 3. “Christian sex games”

If you need to play a game, you’re doing it wrong. But if you insist: Eat the Mandrakes, Climbing the Ivory Tower, Chasing the Two Fawns, Heaping the Wheat, Shearing the Flock of Freshly Washed Ewes, Catching the Foxes (HT: Solomon). I’d explain what these images refer to, but if the Bible meant for these sex games to be explicit they would have been explicit in the original text; in any case, it’s possible these are all images of Christ’s relationship to the Church, so, yeah. Still interested in sex? Me neither.

Q 4.  “Feeling scared on my own at Halloween.”

Good for you. I bet last year you needed other people to get scared, and now look at you. Getting scared on your own. My, you have grown.

Q 5. “p90x Jesus”

I’m really not sure what you want here. Paul Ryan? I recommend looking at 1 Timothy 4:8: “For bodily exercise profiteth little” Something to consider.

Q 6. “civil war concert review”

In five words: Folksy, Beautiful, Slaves were Freed.

Q 7. “Reformation day jokes”

Here’s one: “Reformation day jokes.”

Q 8. “Porn sexy”

Judging from your sytax, you appear to be a cro-magnon man who has travelled to the future by Science and who has just heard about this thing called, “porn.” Yes, Crog, porn is “sexy,” allegedly. However, in the future, internet magazines that explore Pop Culture and Christianity don’t have these “sexy” “porns.”

Q 9. “Truth or fiction John Adams?”

Fiction.

Q 10. “I’m so afraid of a Romney Presidency.”

*hug* it’ll be okay. He’s promised to continue drone strikes, so we’ll always have that to remember Obama by. Every time we read a report of innocent children getting blown up in Pakistan, we can close our eyes and imagine Barack ordered the drone strike. We’ll get through this, together.